for that quick small moment in time, just from that one short snip out of my life I felt love. And I felt loved, and safe. I felt lucky and amazing. And it was one incredible bolt of lightening going through every single cell in my body and I was yours. That first night we were together. Damn it was unexpected. Especially cuz I hadnt even thought about it. Im still not sold 100% that you had, past the extent that you just like to imagine being with every female you talk to. It was something...

It's almost silly to even say that, since it is so damn long ago I wrote in it. Not that I haven't wanted to. So much as a matter of fact. But I can't seem to keep my computer out of the pawn shop long enough to be able to actually use it. And so I try to journal in a notebook, and even will record my thoughts here and there on my phone, but I can't even read my writing and I can't even come close to handwriting fast enough to keep up with my own thoughts. Yes, I am a typer, and that is that....

Nope, there just seems to be a spot lower and lower than what I thought was the lowest. I did just get my computer back today after 3 months and that is a relief, since it was going to be lost after today to the pawn shop, but I also lost my house a few days ago to eviction. This is how it goes for me lately. A little win, (getting my mac back) then a huge loss (losing my home.) The worst thing about being homeless and broke tho, isnt sleeping in car, being alone and lost, changing bags in public...

I will just spend the rest of my life crying and hurting because of my own stupid choices. I seem to have done everything in the last several years to make these remaining years as heart wrenching, painful, lonely, and just plain pathetic as I possibly can. The thing is , I don't know why. I thought that I was someone that I could be proud of for the most part. I was always trying to do right by others, and still do. I don't have many people to do right by anymore, but still, like I always...

That is the only explanation. I know my self esteem is pretty rock bottom, and I find it hard to think that I could be feeling real great about myself at this age with reality telling me how I have accomplished nothing that I set out to and had no back up plans for this scenario. I suppose I was overly confident before? Maybe, but many would say I was just stupid. Either or, at this pity party of mine, I am not feeling that even with my really bad moments, or stretches, I deserve the way I am...