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Sexual Identity + Religion = ?

Posted 06-15-2008 at 09:16 PM by Hoosier
Updated 06-15-2008 at 10:49 PM by Hoosier

Many years ago I began a search for my sexual identity. Who was I? I had figured out who I was spiritually, but still confused about my sexual identity. While I had feelings and desires for the same sex, I wasn’t sure how that belief fit in alignment with my faith.

My Search Begins
I ran the gamut when it came to trying out religions. I was raised Catholic, but left the church when I was 21. I was at a crossroads spiritually. I found myself searching for who I was—not who my parents wanted me to be. I attended Assemblies of God churches, Charismatic, Baptist, Lutheran, I talked to people about the Mormon faith, Jehovah’s witnesses; I even looked deep into whether God existed or not. I could not deny that God did not exist, no matter how hard I tried. He was always there. I knew it.

During this entire time of searching for my faith, I was also searching for my sexual identity. Why did I have sexual feelings for other men?

______________________________________

I’ve had gay people insist I’m straight and

straight people insist I’m gay.
______________________________________

I had my first experience with a guy while in college at Ball State in Muncie, Indiana. I was fully freaked out and completely drunk, but yet I remember it clear as day. Many of my encounters with men were not all under the influence, but I will say that the alcohol allowed me to do the things I deeply wanted to do.

I’ve shared my search with many friends along this path of life. I’ve had gay people insist I’m straight and straight people insist I’m gay. You talk about confusing! I was listening to everyone and mixing myself up even more. It wasn’t until I started listening within and stopped listening to friends that I slowly began to understand me. And I emphasize slowly!

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Comments

1. 	What an amazing man you are Hoosier. I know it takes courage to say these things.
   	Posted 06-15-2008 at 09:31 PM by I LOVE NORTH CAROLINA

2. Hoosier, I have an uncle that is gay and he said the Catholic priest where he has joined told him it is ok to be gay that God is a God of love and didn't look at the love between him and his partner any different than me and my husband. I also have a nephew in college that is toying with the idea of a gay life style and I'm afraid he has already had some encounters and is afraid to admit it. We are all Baptist and believe it is against what the Bible teaches. But that doesn't stop me from loving them. Do you have any suggestions on how I can witness to them with out offending? What do you mean that you began to understand yourself?

   Posted 06-15-2008 at 09:53 PM by thefer Updated 06-16-2008 at 02:10 PM by Hoosier (formatting and personal comments directed to me)

3. Cool blog, Hoosier! I had no idea about the blog feature. What a journey you've been on! I've tried to imagine being attracted to the same sex at times just to try to relate to homosexuality, but I can't do it. Either it's there or it isn't, I guess. I have no words of wisdom because I have absolutely no experience with it, personally or otherwise. I do hope and pray that you get responses from those who can relate and you can discuss this more in depth. God bless. DOTL

   Posted 06-15-2008 at 09:54 PM by Ilene Wright Updated 06-16-2008 at 02:10 PM by Hoosier (formatting and personal comments directed to me)

4. 	Hoosier, I definitely agree with ILNC. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there and let others know that you've also had struggles in your life. You are an amazing person and I'm glad our paths have crossed.
   	Posted 06-15-2008 at 09:58 PM by Jammie

5. 	Quote: Do you have any suggestions on how I can witness to them with out offending? Thefer, Befriend them. Love them as a friend and family member. Accept them into your home. Gay people have been slapped across the face by Christians too many times to trust. Only speak when you felt you are being led by the Spirit.
   	Posted 06-15-2008 at 10:52 PM by Hoosier

6. If you truly love your partner, then your love is no different than mine to a girl, after all, Corinthians 13 4-7 says: 4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. God himself is love, so when you truly love you are blessed by God

   Posted 06-15-2008 at 10:54 PM by Go Ne

7. 	I agree with ILNC you are quite an amazing man and have a lot of courage to open up your life and heart to everyone. Thank you for telling me about the blog and for your dear sweet answer. I will take your advice and only try if the Holy Spirit leads. Blessings to you Hoosier.
   	Posted 06-15-2008 at 11:11 PM by thefer

8. 	How interesting this Blog is. First, you are so brave Hoosier to post all this "out there" for the world to see. Second, it's interesting to see how God is using you already to help others who have been going through, or know someone going through, the same thing you did. I pray that God will continue to use you for His glory!
   	Posted 06-15-2008 at 11:13 PM by Jazzedforhim

9. Hoosier, Sexual Identity + Religion = looking to God for strength and answers. It would be very confusing to seek answers from "friends" especially when "friends" misquote God. Job is a good example of that. Corinthians 2:4 My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, Gods word is says much about this. (All NIV quotes). Romans 1:24 Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. Romans 1:27 In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion. Romans 13:13 Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. 1 Corinthians 6:9 Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders 1 Corinthians 6:13 "Food for the stomach and the stomach for food"—but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 1 Corinthians 6:18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. 1 Corinthians 10:8 We should not commit sexual immorality, as some of them did—and in one day twenty-three thousand of them died. 2 Corinthians 12:21 ....I will be grieved over many who have sinned earlier and have not repented of the impurity, sexual sin and debauchery in which they have indulged. Galatians 5:19 The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; Ephesians 5:3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. Colossians 3:5 Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. 1 Thessalonians 4:3 It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality Hebrews 12:16 See that no one is sexually immoral.... Hebrews 13:4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. This would be discouraging if it ended here, but it doesn't.... The Gospel! Our Lord faced every temptation - and won Hebrews 4:15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. The Gospel Romans 5:6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:10 For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! 1 Corinthians 6:12 "Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything. 1 Corinthians 6:11 And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. 1 Corinthians 6:20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. When we pray, lead us not into temptation, but deliever us from evil, we are asking God for the strength to fight our sins, our doubts of forgiveness and give us the resolve to fight the good fight of faith. May this be of some encouragement. I'll keep your in my thoughts and prayers. Twin

   Posted 06-16-2008 at 11:49 AM by twin.spin

10. Hoosier you said something very important today, if you hear something over and over you begin to believe it. I have heard parents call their children stupid and say they'll never amount to anything, if a child hears that often enough or even an adult they will begin to believe it. I used call myself stupid, no one else called me stupid but me and I begin to believe it even though my parents always told me I could do anything. So it's VERY important what we say to people, especially children and it's important what we say to ourselves too.

    Posted 06-16-2008 at 04:26 PM by I LOVE NORTH CAROLINA

11. Hoosier, I can very easily empathize with you. As a 21-year-old currently questioning both my faith and my sexual orientation I am truly living every aspect of your blog right now. I've been conducting research on various different religious denominations, but in the end I've chosen to remain steadfast to the Lutheran (Protestant) faith I was raised in. Another thing I've come to realize is that no matter how much I may wish to deny the harsh reality there is no way to overcome it---I, ScranBarre, am a gay American. Along the path to this realization I've hurt the hearts of at least two girls by leading them on into loveless relationships that were selfishly devised for me to try to "de-gay" myself. I also dashed the hopes of another girl who was courting me just before I came out of the closet during my senior year of high school---a relatively conservative and upscale one at that. Thankfully nobody other than my very own parents turned their backs on me, and even now three years later the strained relationship between my parents and I has healed itself. Hoosier, don't deny who you really are. I, too, have researched VERY heavily into saving money to attend one of those Southern Christian conversion camps as I feel as if I'm letting God down daily by violating the Biblical verse that essentially says "man shall not lay with man as he lays with woman; it is an abomination." However, from watching televised documentaries on the so-called "success" stories it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that these are merely gay men pretending to be straight. You can alter one's sexual activities temporarily, but their sexual orientation remains constant. I could offer a straight guy $1,000 to let me perform a sexual act upon him, and even though most that I know would probably accept the offer, that makes them no less "straight" than anyone else. That would just be someone who is straight stepping out of their comfort zone and engaging in a homosexual act. In similar fashion if someone offered to pay my last year of tuition if I had sex with their daughter, I'd do it. Such rare circumstances do not dictate one's sexual orientations by any means. If you had several experiences in college that felt "normal" to you, then why fight these feelings? Do you really want to become the next Larry Craig, Jim McGreevey, Mark Foley, Ted Haggard, etc.---being "outted" in a very, very humiliating fashion? Hoosier, I love you as a fellow Christian man who I've come to admire and respect over the years I've been on this forum, and as such I am concerned by your continued struggles with your identity. At some point you just have to come to terms with who you really are and hope God will love you for what good you do to improve the lives of others around you instead of dwelling upon the "sin" you supposedly commit by loving someone of the same gender.

    Posted 06-16-2008 at 09:00 PM by ScranBarre

12. Hoosier, you give me hope. How long have you been married to your wife and do you ever struggle with the idea of returning to the gay lifestyle? Do you feel sexually attracted to your wife at all? Would you still be married to her if you were not a Christian? I've been married 5 years to my husband and our sex life isn't the best. Part of it is because I am overweight and don't feel good about myself, but sometimes I wonder if he'd even be attracted to a beautiful woman. He swears he loves me and I believe it--really I do. But I think he may love me like a sister or a really close friend. I'm not so sure he is "in love" with me. He struggled with gay issues all of his life but is a strong Christian and believes homosexuality is a sin. He usually acts like he is happy, but my husband has a long history of acting all content one day and completely abandoning something the next--jobs, friends, etc. I don't feel secure in our marriage and I know if it were not for his strong Christian beliefs, he would return to being gay. Goodness, I have so many questions. I hope you will return to this page soon. Please tell me more about your history, or post a link in which I can learn more about you.

    Posted 06-20-2008 at 12:32 PM by surfergirl2007

13. 	Good Luck Hoosier; from a much older man who has "been there"; after one brief same sex love when I was 21, I married and totally repressed who I was....and who I was meant to be until I was 60. At that point my life situation changed and I was able to claim my gay identity. I am in a committed relationship now and have learned what love is; I have never been so happy or at peace.
    	Posted 09-12-2008 at 08:20 AM by elston

14. I have a dear friend who has a terrific son. He had the cutest girlfriends. He went on a Mission and tried to live the part of liking girls. However, after his mission and dating a girl for a coupld of years, he still couldn't shake his desire for other men. It has been really difficult as my friend has been taught about consequences of his "choices", but she still loves her son so much. She has since left the Mormon church because of the hurt of people frequently reminding her that her son is something other than a great man that deserves to love and be loved. He has been the target of some very unkind actions. He has also told his mom that he would rather die than live the life of being gay because people are so mean. I believe that real Christians will love others, leave any judging to God, and realize that gay people want to be loved just as much as straight people. Good luck, keep the people who love you close and realize that you keep the mean people at a distance.

    Posted 10-19-2008 at 03:18 PM by starborn

15. Posted by Hoosier: Gods word is says much about this. (All NIV quotes). Romans 1:24 Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. Yes, God did give them over to their sin. The people wouldnt listen and God had to give them over because of free will. We make our choices not God. We are accountable for our sins. This world belongs to Satan and he controls it. God gave us Jesus to free us of our bondage to him. God cant save you because He wants to. He saves us through our free will to accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior and part of that is repentance. To turn away from our sins and the bible clearly says that homosexuality is a sin. Yes God loves us BUT He hates the sin. Please seek council with good preacher who uses the scriptures to guide him and not his own feelings. Feelings will only lead you to death.

    Posted 01-04-2009 at 09:45 PM by solascripta

16. Hoosier thank you for putting your struggle (strength) out there for me (and others) to appreciate. I struggled deeply with my sexuality when I was in my early 30's. It was a journey (for the most part) that ended with peace with my sexuality and something I did not see coming. This was how others reacted to my open questions and self disclosure. I was treated to the extremes. Many people treated me like I was from another planet (clearly there own homophobic issues) yet others were more open. Oddly enough it was a gay man I worked with that helped me more then anyone. Not sexual experience but intimate sharing. For me and I can only speak for me. I realized that I have a strong sensitive side to my nature and in our culture male sensitivity is neither honored or respected in heterosexual males. As a whole our male population does not, resists, there inner work. In this case dealing head on with their sexuality. So thank you again for not only doing your work at individuation but also for sharing it openly. Jung is one of my mentors. He believed that true change could only take place through osmosis. When a person takes on their personal work and path of individuation their transformational energies will effect the people they have contact with through osmosis. I think he has a wonderful point.

    Posted 02-16-2009 at 03:14 PM by itnanoigi Updated 02-16-2009 at 03:16 PM by itnanoigi (I'm a poor speller and wanted to check it out after a published reread.)

17. Oh my Hoosier I did not comment on religion. Oh my I will try to be civil here. Oh my, oh my, oh my ... . when I comes to being human and a person trying to make sense of it religion is the last place I would look for help. I can only speak for myself. I looked to people and listened to my gut after the shared. I also slept with new information and let my dreams and imagination in on the process. When the day is done my conscious with make the decision. For me this process is one of legitimate suffering and the ultimate reliance of god's love. It is only in the dark that god exists (again for me.) I have only found any real sense of meaning from suffering with my own life issues until it is clear. Granted there are times that I have heard things that quickly made sense and light came from my darkness. I was bitterly disappointed with the Detroit Lions at mid season until I heard Tim Stout's philosophy about the Lion's. He believed that the Lions are very interesting losing so many games. It's not easy to pull of loss after loss like that. And how it would be amazing if they could actually loose 16 our of 16 games. He was right. I then found them interesting. They pulled it off!! Wow. Doing anything perfect is amazing. As humans we look too much, at times to what is good and bad.

    Posted 02-16-2009 at 03:28 PM by itnanoigi Updated 02-16-2009 at 03:28 PM by itnanoigi (I wanted to reread it after making it public to chech the spelling)

18. Cool blog hossier. God bless you. I too have had the same struggle. And I have... I have given up on the fight. The internal struggle is far too much and depressing for me. I want to be happy. So I have not been to church in more than a year. It's better that way. I still love Jesus. But I feel like such a failure when I am there, and I do fail so so much. Its hard. I never asked for this. Its not fair. Me fighting me. Anyway I was curious, do you ever fail, in some small way? How do you deal with the guilt? My failures feel so amplified. Just because of their nature. That somehow my sins are worse. And yet their are so natural to me and easy to be commited. The guilt that comes with my mere thoughts is like the red wine stain on my shirt that will never come off. Did you deal with the guilt? Do you still deal with it? Insignificance of being. Fighting every day. World war three in your head. So I stopped. I just wanted to live and not fight. And love God to the best of my abilities. I am single and 27. I will more than likely never get married. Never love. Man or woman. I give what ever love I have to family and friends and those who need help. I love life. The universe. Sometimes I think or I worry that I should be a true christian, like you. That is one of the reason I am holding back from leading a gay life. And anyway it also has its own problems. But I worry. Not about hell, fear is a short term stimulus. I worry that I am not fulfilling His purpose for me here. That is what hell really is to me. Being lost. I don't know man. I don't know. So thats me. Lol. But thank you for sharing hossier. Thanks.

    Posted 03-18-2009 at 12:39 PM by Timothylogan3

19. 	Hoosier I think you awesome man and dont let the nay sayers slow you down. Being open about this is what God wants of you because He doesnt want any sin hidden. If more men like you would speak out then the strain to walk the narrow path would not be such a struggle.
    	Posted 04-10-2009 at 03:24 PM by RobinD69

20. I love how you explain that is was your interests or lack of traditional interests, and sensitivity and the comments and actions of others that pushed you into needing to decide if the labels were true. It is so good to hear truth told. I wish I had known more about life and personalities when I was younger. I too went to Ball State, and was exactly like you - except I am female. I was a tom boy forever, loved cars & tools, working with my hands, hanging out in the country, shooting guns, I was rejected by my father, and learned to fear/hate men and love/trust women. So it was the saftey and love desires that drew me to investigate. I went clubbing and I was in the Lambda club and elected president. I was very disappointed with the unethical behavior I saw there. I thought it should be a place where people wanted to be. Instead I saw some extreme recruitment going on. Confused/open guys were being heavily seduced and I thought manipulated into becoming partners of members. These had been previously straight folks. I was very disappointed. A part of me wanted to be with guys. I had several dating relationships with guys that were horrible and that pushed me more. In the end I realized many college students like myself wee trying to find themselves, trying to be cool, trying to be studs, trying to be popular, trying to be anything but their real selves. I started searching for a church and saw everything from Pentecostals to Bahai to Mormons, I was raised Baptist and Methodist. I married a guy with questions about his sexuality and some experiementation. It did not work out, he would not open up and trust me. In reality our issues were about trust and fear of being hurt, not sex..which we rarely had. After our divorse he said he should have trusted me but probably could never let anyone into his heart. We are 50 now and he never did allow himself toturst anyone. I did. After joining a chruch, the Mormon church, I took about 6 years to heal and feel Gods love and really hear what he wanted from me. And, I learned to trust HIM. I never dated those 6 years. Then one day I felt prompted to be ready to meet someone and withing a week I met my husband. He was perfect for me. A quiet steady gentle man who would never say an unkind word, was always supportive and I could trust completely. My friends tried to say he was weird, not manly enough, not physically built enough, etc. But I knew he was everything I wanted and needed. He was and is perfect for me. I believe we need to be careful not to listen to the values of the world. Not even the definitions of sex and behavior. We need to listen to what God is saying to our hearts. I believe God made there be a way for every man and every woman to follow God's laws and be blessed. I was looking for a guy who could easily have thought he must be gay, and the world would have thought so too. I might have thought I was, but neigher of use were! We are so happy and love each other so much. There is unbelievlbe joy and hapiness in knowing we do not have to listen to the world's judgements, but only follow God. My husband has helped heal my hurts and I have done the same for him. And the sex? Awesome. Attraction? Definitly Do I ever think of the past? Ocassionally. Miss it, no I was lost, looking in the wrong places. My scriptures say "Man is, that he might have joy". God created us to have joy, and he has told us how to find it. Commandments are not a burden, they are a gift. Hoosier, you are right on.

    Posted 05-30-2009 at 09:23 AM by sheshopsalot

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