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2008---A Year of Depression, Loneliness, Confusion, and Loss

Posted 01-01-2009 at 12:53 PM by ScranBarre
Updated 01-01-2009 at 12:54 PM by ScranBarre (Typographical Error)

As I reflect upon last year, tears often begin to well up in my eyes as I recall just how tumultuous and painful 2008 was. The year was marked by loss---we buried my childhood dog, our long-time church pastor, and my grandmother, who finally succumbed after a long and painful battle with cancer. I called off my long-term relationship with my partner, Cody, after being together for about fourteen months, simply because I had fallen out of love with him. I was rejected by all of my on-campus interviewers, leaving me worried that I'll be jobless as our recession worsens in 2009. I've just about completely lost my faith, and I feel spiritually drained.

More recently I've also been emotionally drained. As has been a curse with me my entire post-pubescent life I've once again begun to fall in love with a straight guy---this time a co-worker. He's recently out of a heart-breaking break-up himself with his girlfriend, and just last night at a New Year's Eve party he broke down into tears again after learning some bad medical news. A part of me just wanted to put my arms around him and hold him close to me, rocking him gently back and forth as his tears ebbed, but I know such an advance on my part would be irresponsible and selfish, as not only would I be trying to genuinely assuage his pain but also have the ulterior motive of trying to get him to look at me in a more favorable light as someone who could be there for him when life went awry.

I've also fallen out of love with my hometown of Scranton, PA. This city is going nowhere quickly, and regardless of how much I've tried pumping up its image here on City-Data for others to see it in a whole new perspective, I remain an "outcast" on our own NEPA sub-forum for my controversial beliefs, as evidenced by the recent rant I just posted to vent all that has been ailing me. Couple this with the fact that I'm afraid to get blood work done myself because I've been having gastro-intestinal pains and irregularities as of late, and I just don't find many reasons to be grateful for being alive right now.

It's just as if life truly does serve no purpose for me to be here anymore. All I do is irritate others and disappoint myself and those who may have at one point looked up to me.

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Comments

1. Paul, I know it's been a very rough year for you! When you are the age you are now, all these events hit you like an "emotional ton of bricks". As much as I wouldn't mind having a twenty-something body again, I wouldn't trade it for the "emotional maturity" I have at 56! The things I used to worry about when I was in my twenties and took them so much to heart, seem so minor and incredibly, almost laughable now! I'm not saying there won't be rough times ahead - most certainly, there will be more. At this stage in life, you have alot more of that intellectual maturity than the emotional kind, but trust me, the latter will grow in time! You have many gifts - that great intellect and more of a "sense of humor" than you might see in yourself at this time. I think there are more than a few posters who are "green with envy" as they read your posts and are exposed to your cogent thoughts. Times are tough for jobs, but this too will pass! Someone is going to see the inherent gifts you possess and be ever so glad they hired you! So hang in there kid - you've got a lot to offer the world! I don't think I've seen anyone on the CD forum with as many listings of "friend of ScranBarre" as you have! (I still haven't figured out how to add myself to your fan base!LOL)You've got a lot of people around the country "rooting" for you! Who knows - 2009 may be inversely better for you than 2008 was bad! As for all those NEPA naysayers here's a little something to lift your spirits: George Gershwin - They All Laughed lyrics Play that little video at the bottom of the page! Happy New Year Paul! TheEmissary

   Posted 01-01-2009 at 03:20 PM by TheEmissary

2. Paul, You can't give up, you can never give in, sure there will always be people who don't like you, but if you remain you, 10 times more people will always like you. Your funny, kind, generous, caring, benevolent, which is why you can't give up, just look at your friend count, all of those 141 people care about you. I think the Devil himself wants you away from this world, which is why you must become even closer to God, through God, you will find what you seek.

   Posted 01-02-2009 at 02:02 AM by Go Ne

3. 	How the heck did you get rejected by PWC? King's is a feeder school to those guys. Were your grades just average or something?
   	Posted 01-03-2009 at 01:47 AM by The Commish

4. Another old fart chimin' in here! Paul, life is a roller coaster ride....every single day. Sometimes we need to lead with our heads rather than react to our hearts. That's a tough gig for those of us who feel things very deeply, but I've learned from experience that you need to stop feeling and turn on the 'head button' from time to time. Our lives don't always get easier, but they do get different. Each day is a new adventure. Perhaps tomorrow's adventure will be easier. Perhaps you will learn something new from the experience that will serve you or other people in your life later on. In every tragedy there is a positive. It may be small. It may be difficult to discover. Small positives, when realized cognitively, can have a huge effect in our lives.......if we allow them....if we remain aware of them. Look for them. It's amazing!!!! Grasp the small wonders in life. They are what are truly important. A warm hearth, food to sustain, and intellectual stimulation, service to others....oh, and a laugh now and again. It keeps your motor runnin'! The rest of it is just what some other people think you need....probably because they want to sell it to you. Always be open to the next challenge. You never know what may come of it.

   Posted 01-03-2009 at 06:30 AM by rockky

5. 	PAUL, YOU HAVE A GIFT FOR WRITING! - please don't stop posting here - and maybe find a writers' course or club to broaden your abilities - poetry group? Short stories? The talent is there - go for it - it'll open up a new world of adventure......
   	Posted 01-03-2009 at 09:33 AM by cotterpin

6. 	no one said life would be easy...only that it would be worth it... 'Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another, Even Though Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway' This too shall pass...this too shall pass...
   	Posted 01-03-2009 at 09:52 AM by Retired Law 08

7. Paul, don't let temporary situations rule your life. Every day is a clean slate, with a new chance to start again, but you have to accept that there will be many unhappy moments as well as many happy ones. We have all been, or will be, where you are: losing loved ones, failed relationships, job worries. These things are all a part of life. It's easier to get through the sad times if you can just step back and realize this moment is not forever. When you feel sad, talk to a friend, or your parents--they love you even when you think they don't. And don't take to heart what strangers on a message board say. They may also be having a bad day, or maybe they're just jerks. The older you get, the tougher your skin, the easier it will be to handle your 'down' moments You're a good person,start believing it.

   Posted 01-03-2009 at 10:41 AM by mgb

8. Don't let these things in life get you so down. Life is a challenge everyday. Just like there is a dark cloud over your life right now, there will be better days ahead. You're are young, and can do anything you put your mind to. You are college educated, and can apply your trade anywhere in the country. You, more then anyone else on this web page, are the leader. These are traits that very few people have. You could be a mayor, or congressman ect. if you put your mind and natural talent and ability to lead to it, and most of all you're not a pretender. You have a genuine love and desire to change this region for the better when most other people can care less about it. What I'm saying is that you more then anyone else on this web page that I've seen have real potential to change this backwards area. You need to apply this to real life though, and not just type about it on the computer. Life is full of challenges. We've all been through hard times. It's how you keep your head high and find your way through them that makes you a strong resilient leader that you are destined to become.

   Posted 01-03-2009 at 11:11 AM by W-B proud

9. Paul, The title of your blog entry caught my eye. I'm new on the board and have no idea how I got here. But here I am. I can identify with the depression you express. You have experienced a lot in a short period of time - this can lead to overload. But understand this is a part of life, these experiences will serve you well as you go through life. I am an older person but still very much young at heart, I'm not lecturing you. I just want to share with you as you have shared with us. It sounds like you are thinking with your heart. Rather it may be better to feel and experience with your heart but think with your head. Feel free to experience what you are going through - it will make you stronger. You are young, there will be time for deep emotional attachments to another person, now is the time to learn and grow. You haven't mentioned anything about your family. I do not know your situation, but often the family can provide you strength. Take a look at the poem at the link below. I draw much strength and solice from those words. There is a lot of wisdom expressed. I agree with the poster rockky he has the experience and wisdom that comes with age. Above all - remember you are you. You will change as you grow over the years, welcome new things but do not forget the old. Desiderata I wish you the best. Brian

   Posted 01-03-2009 at 11:37 AM by bkyhi

10. Hang in there Buddy, I don't know how many times I have dusted off my keester and kept moving forward. Just remember every time you fall, someone slipped in that same ice patch before you and they simply got up and kept walking. You will do the same, just remember to keep getting up no matter how many times you get knocked down. In the end you will find you are in a far better place than you currently imagine. Keep the chin up.

    Posted 01-03-2009 at 05:16 PM by Chefkey

11. I'm so glad I'm almost 40. LOL. I would not want to relive my teens and early 20's ever again; what a time of ups and downs and anxiety. I lost my own dog when I was 22, had her since I was 9, found and lost the love of my life (and found him again several years later & married him.) I got fired from a job where I thought I was indispensible. I spent most of my late teens and early adulthood years depressed, thinking I'd never get married or do anything worthwhile. I watched my friends get married and "build lives" and there I was, still wondering what the heck I wanted to do. I saw guys I had crushes on fall in love with girls who WEREN'T me...I couldn't even go out drinking due to a seizure disorder that kept me from consuming alcohol. LOL Eventually though it all "worked together." I reconnected with my love, got married, had kids, buried both parents, and now have the career I love, though I never would have thought of it way back when. And I no longer have the seizure disorder and can enjoy a glass or two (or three) of wine at the end of a long day of trying to sell houses in the Poconos... I now just roll with the flow. Whatever will be will be...I've learned to just take the daily lumps and start out fresh tomorrow. Paul. You just gotta hang in there. Things may get tougher, but I think they'll get easier to handle, if that makes sense.

    Posted 01-03-2009 at 05:36 PM by KarenRice

12. Doesn't the New Year always bring these kind of thoughts up. Gosh, Me.......it is a given. ScranB, we all have lost people we LOVE, grandparents, and Moms and Dads, our wonderful pets, our boyfriends we adored ( or thought so then).......It is the "most difficult" experiences of our lives...........As time goes on you learn to accept the ups and downs of life. The circle of life..... The good, the bad, and the ugly.......Then you put up your chin and rise above it. Because...........its as simple as 'thats life". I had to first learn this hard lesson when after 9 months , I had a stillborn baby......a little girl who for no reason known...did not live. I was 18...........My first hard, sad, lesson in life. There would be more lessons to learn down the road..........a long road of hills and valleys. The town you live in my change many times over. Your love life may change many times over. Jobs, homes, cars....... Those types of issues are forever rotating, round and round. You'll be fine and good things will come your way..... Kindness always goes full circle. You are a kind person... Things will be ok.......Time goes onward.......Life evolves.

    Posted 01-03-2009 at 07:23 PM by Summering

13. 	I'm late on reading this and commenting as I haven't been here for a little bit, but I do want to send a hug to ya from VA (yep, I'm still here..joy). I've gone through some rough years myself, and while I'm sure I can't relate to some of the things you're going through, I am pretty familiar with depression, loneliness, and loss. I hope everything gets better for you.
    	Posted 01-03-2009 at 07:41 PM by heathernichole

14. 	ScranB! Sorry to hear about the health issues, depression and loneliness. As others have said, hang in there. While things could get worse before getting better, it'll probably be a whole different world for you in a year, if not a month. Best wishes from your maybe future neighborhood!
    	Posted 01-03-2009 at 08:12 PM by blip

15. First of all, thanks everyone for the support, but it was really not necessary. Your words are empowering, but when I blog I should also specify that I only do so to vent. I don't expect a pity party or a hug-a-thon. Go Ne, your sentiments were very thoughtful, but I knew that since there's a strong "love me vs. hate me" contingent on this forum that your thread on the NEPA forum was just going to open up a can of worms that would dwarf a Pandora's Box. I'd appreciate if if everyone would please from this point onwards either not even bother to read what I have to post or just refrain from drawing too much attention to my blog. Yes, I was very suicidal last week around Christmas, but I'm always best off just trying to deal with my depression on my own.

    Posted 01-03-2009 at 10:14 PM by ScranBarre

16. F*** the Big Four firms! As one of my friends says, their new name is Toilette & Douche. I'm in the same exact boat as you. I had a bunch of on campus interviews but not a single job offer. Heck, I didn't even get a single in-house interview. Part of the problem is the second you tell recruiters you want to work in a different office than the one they represent, they throw your application straight in the garbage. And I sure as heck ain't gonna stay in LA and pay $1200 a month in rent just to take any old job. I say you should still live where you want-- you can't go through life being someone else's b*@tch living in a place you are unhappy. And guess what, if you and me were born one year earlier and were applying for these jobs exactly a year ago, chances are good you and me would already have a job offer by now! I say though there's always a Plan B! I think once you physically graduate from college and even start taking some of the CPA exams and are ready to start work at a moment's notice, it might be easier to get hired. Right now companies don't want to commit to hiring students they won't start working until another 5-8 months from now. Right now you couldn't work as a full time accountant even if you wanted to. But graduation will come soon, and things could be a tiny bit better by then. I wish Mitt Romney was going to be inaugurated as president soon, but alas.... Obama may surprise us! Not that that has anything to do with this... Main advice from me to you is, be your OWN man, make your OWN decisions. Don't go through life being made as someone else's bi@atch, whether that's a recruiter, an administrator, or what "society" tells you you're "supposed" to do. Look at the facts, then come to your OWN conclusions. And remember, there's ALWAYS, always, ALWAYS, a "Plan B." ~vegaspilgrim

    Posted 01-04-2009 at 01:59 AM by vegaspilgrim

17. Paul, I'm sorry that 2008 has been such a heartbreaking year for you. As a fellow sufferer of depression, I know these dark moods and how quickly they can spiral out of control. You need to smile, even when you don't feel like it. Make lists of things that make you happy. Do things you enjoy - read, write, hike in the cold, whatever. Being active and pretending to be happy will start to trick your body into thinking it really is happy. The upward spiral is harder to follow than the downward, one, but worth the effort. As to the intestinal problems, that could very well n be a side effect of the depression or just from the stress. A lot of people believe that depression is only a mental illness, but it's not. It affects your whole body. I get muscle aches, stomach problems and all sorts of other not fun things. I've helped the problems a bit by trying to eat as healthy as possible and including yogurt (which I don't like) in my diet. 2009 is out there before you waiting for you to take control and make yourself the person you always wanted to be. The job market sucks, but you're living at home (ok, not the greatest, but it beats being in a house that you can't afford and being foreclosed on), and you do have a job. You can ride it out. Just keep applying and working toward your goal. Perhaps you can volunteer at a nonprofit that needs some accounting help. That will keep you in the loop, while giving you the 'feel goods'. DM me if you want to talk. I'll give you my number. I've been right where you are and even worse (at least your ex didn't try to kill you when you left him) so maybe I can help. Maybe my new motto can help you. "In time, this too shall pass."

    Posted 01-04-2009 at 08:24 AM by lialleycat

18. 	Paul, Point taken. I'm a bit like you. Sometimes I just express myself just to do that - express myself. When I'm depressed I prefer to be left alone to work it out for myself. People who feel deeply, live deeply both joy and sadness. Keep on doing what you do, you're doing something right. Brian
    	Posted 01-14-2009 at 04:59 AM by bkyhi

19. 	You really do have quite a fan club, and deservedly so. You're social, smart, cute.... I wish the best for you, and I hope you find yourself in more supportive and uplifting circumstances very, very soon.
    	Posted 02-22-2009 at 10:40 PM by quijote

20. Honey, let me tell you you have the greatest gift of all - YOUTH! As I get older I appreciate what a precious commodity it is and you only get it once. No amt of money can buy it or bring it back. Enjoy it while ya got it. 3 things in life are guaranteed: death, taxes and rejection. If someone doesn't like you, **** EM! Don't waste your tiime or emotions on them. Putting your arm around someone's shoulder to comfort them isn't an advance and most people appreciate a kind gesture. Cut back on the twinkies. Blood sugar spikes can cause depression. Cheer up *****! Oh, and when are you going to realize you're a writer and not an accountant??? All my wisdom in a nutshell.

    Posted 02-28-2009 at 10:42 PM by geos

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