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Moving Beyond Anxiety

Posted 04-20-2012 at 05:36 PM by soliloquyenlightened

I hold myself to incredibly high standards, higher than I hold anyone else; which, in a way, isn't all that bad. But I'm a borderline perfectionist if there ever was such a thing. I can look at my work and say, "It's good enough. I'm satisfied with what I've done." But there are many moments when I look at myself and wonder if I am good enough. I'm always striving for perfection, for congruency in thoughts, words, and deeds and I can be very privately self-deprecating when there is an inconsistency. I forgive myself more readily now, but I am hard on myself in trying to improve.

It's occurred to me that I have a fairly hard time accepting that I am human, that I err, that I can make a complete fool of myself in front of an audience, or mess up here and there, that I have the right to go at my own pace and do the things I feel are right like everyone else. I'm almost 21 years old and almost in my final year of getting my bachelors of science in nursing. I've had intense anxiety attacks over the possibility that I might not graduate in the 4 yr time frame I envision in my head, or know enough to pass the NCLEX-RN the first time around. I panic at the idea that my dreams might not be fulfilled in the immediate time frame I've set for myself. I feel like failure is always standing there, next to my vision of success and she's somewhat intimidating.

I guess what makes her especially intimidating to me is that everyone knows of my desire. They know I'm in Nursing school, that I want to be a nurse. So messing up wouldn't just be a personal, private thing. It's out there. I remember the first boyfriend I had. I was miserable in our relationship and I remember longing desperately to dump him and I never did because I didn't want "the world" to see me fail. So I sat silently and suffered through it instead while my soul slowly withered away. In a way, I still feel that. I still feel that fear that comes with the possibility that "the world" will see me mess up, that I will not become the person I want to become and that the rest of the world will go on and leave me, fulfilling their dreams or not, and I'll be left wading in the abyss of my dreams deferred.

But I'm doing everything that I know how to do. I'm doing the very best that I can to be the very best that I can be. And I feel that I need to pull away from all of what I've stated above now, to go at my very own pace, fast or slow, and trust myself more now, without question. It's just occurred to me that I have a friend who is 22 years old in the nursing program with me because she took a year off after high school to travel, despite possible disapproval. She did things her way. I have a right to do it my way too.
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