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Rating: 2 votes, 5.00 average.

A Change Gon' Come

Posted 04-22-2012 at 07:44 AM by soliloquyenlightened

I had a presentation yesterday and I thought that I would have a panic attack beforehand. Turns out, I didn't. I didn't have one before, I didn't have one during, and I didn't have one after and I was in the first group to present, was the first person to present, and presented the longest piece of information. I'm so proud of myself! Our professor cut our presentation short (because she figured we ran out of time) and even then I didn't panic. I admit I felt guilty because I thought that I had somehow contributed to the loss of time with my over-presenting and my group members looked disappointed, but I shook it off and just continued on with my day. Turns out, it wasn't me. The other professor approached our group members and explained that it wasn't our fault and to not worry about the time factor at all. We handled ourselves well in that situation and our information was great.

Today I went to the hospital for my clinicals. While on the way there, I didn't have any visions of what might or could happen to me. Not when I met my patients or walked into their rooms, not when I spoke to my clinical instructor, not when I spoke to the nurses, or had to take a medication quiz. I noticed in the earlier part of the day when I became aware of myself that I was neither clenching my shoulders nor gripping my pen. I even gave my patients a full body assessment and asked them about their lives something which I use to be so apprehensive about.

A part of me just wants to shed tears of joy, just hug myself and cry because I'm so proud of myself. lol I have many more presentations to go before my finals but I'm okay with this and I feel like I'm definitely on the right track. I've begun to see that much the same way my regret, longing, and remorse over the past contributed to my depression, apprehension over what others might or will say or do to me while in the "public eye" really did put a damper on my enjoyment of the present. I understand that I won't have "immediate results" and that life won't be all easy breezy as a result of these, I'm not even going to begin visualizing life remaining on this complete uphill course with no obstacles to becoming anxiety free because I just don't see that as realistic. But I'm still very much an optimist and I'm going to keep walking until I'm out of this tunnel and in the light.
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