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Anxiety Revisited

Posted 04-30-2012 at 12:27 AM by soliloquyenlightened

I experience anxiety for reasons I no longer understand, but I've found that I can beat myself into anxiety whenever I am not that loud, emphatic, talkative person I often associate with enthusiasm and passion in my head. I'm very quiet and laid back. And experience has taken me down a course that makes me calmer, more observant, slower to speak, more even tempered and in the moments when i catch myself and remember the idea I have of enthusiasm in my head, I can begin to try and force that reaction out of fear that others are not feeling it and that I am not doing a good enough job of showing my passion; hence, triggering an anxiety attack.

At this moment, this is the speculation I have of a potential trigger of my anxiety. As I stated earlier, I have no idea what my trigger is as I've gone through all of my presentations at this point without so much as a shiver; I've slept in my room in the dark, in absolute silence and no longer fear doing so and have even done so after watching horror movies. I've also found myself incredibly calm natured in the hospital and have gotten good reviews without any "negative" feedback from my instructor. She simply encouraged me to keep it up. But the anxiety remains and so I don't know anymore.

Anxiety is worrying about something that could happen or has not yet happened. What this is for me I don't know and I continue to soul search for an answer. But I feel like I've run out of possibilities and I'm ready to just forget myself and trying to fix my anxiety and just accept that this is where I am right now. It's not crippling, it's just really uncomfortable and annoying and in the moments I feel it, I find it harder to concentrate. I am able to forge forward and do very well under these conditions, but I just wish the process were easier for me. I wish I were anxiety-free.

I understand that I am being tested for growth purposes. But I don't know what there is for me to learn from anxiety and so my question at this point is, "Why anxiety?" What can I learn from it? Have I allowed myself to forget my past and engrossed myself too much in the future that I've lost balance? Am I afraid that I'll fail in my endeavors and never succeed in a way I want to? Am I concerned about time and whether or not I have time to do all I want to do? Can I do all I want to do?

I joined C-D to learn about certain states worth moving to. I stayed as I figured this would be a good place to explore my anxiety. And while I feel here has been beneficial to me in more ways than one (I've met people who have allowed me to utilize what I had learned in the years prior, allowing the information to further digest and process. I've also been able to deal with certain experiences like anticipatory/performance anxiety. I've also dropped my desperate urge to understand social dynamics as well as learned to see people and friends from new eyes), I still have anxiety and all of her symptoms.

I don't want to come back to this site anymore as I feel I've run my course. I keep coming back out of habit but hopefully this will be it. I'm exhausted.
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