This blog is written from my personal experiences on why and how I successfully left the gay life. Because I knew my relationship with Christ and my sexual desires for the same sex couldn't mix, I had to make a choice.
I made that tough choice more than 20 years ago and in my heart I know it was the right choice. If someone truly wants out, it IS possible. There are many naysayers out there who will bog you down with their opinions. My belief is, if you want it bad enough you CAN change. It IS possible.
I made that tough choice more than 20 years ago and in my heart I know it was the right choice. If someone truly wants out, it IS possible. There are many naysayers out there who will bog you down with their opinions. My belief is, if you want it bad enough you CAN change. It IS possible.
I don't want to be gay anymore
I'm challenged regularly when I make the statement, "I used to be gay". The majority of the people will tell me that is not possible and that I really never was gay. My reply to that is, "you didn't live my life and know the pornographic thoughts and sexual desires I'd have as a teen and young adult."
For most of my life I felt shunned by the 'straight' population and then also by the 'gay' population. I really had no idea where or if I fit in. I was so lost and had no idea where to turn. I didn't believe I could talk to my parents or siblings about this as I was mortified to have sexual desires toward the same sex. In addition I was raised by a father who tried to remove anything from my life that could possibly turn me gay.
My earliest memory is when I was playing "house" with my sister and younger brother. My sister was six years old, I was four and my brother was two. Why I remember this so vividly is that my father came home from work and saw us playing "house" in the car port. He was enraged at my mom for allowing this and that his sons should not be playing this girl's game. It would definitely 'turn us gay'. For the record, my younger brother is one of the most heterosexual men you'd ever meet. He's married and lives a good life.
My next memory is of my father flipping out on me and my mom because I had a poster hanging in my room that was a comic version of the popular song The Streak. I was 10 years old and it was cool because it was glow in the dark. My father was upset I had a poster of a naked man in my room (comic version, nothing showing). That poster would most definitely put me on the road to being a flaming homosexual.
The list is long of things that "would've made me gay" by my dad's standards. At the early ages I had no idea what he was talking about, but I figured it was not good. Over the years I slowly began to understand what he was afraid I'd become. When I did 'come out' my parents were not at all surprised. I hadn't remembered what I shared above so I was a bit confused when my mom said " we always knew you were this way". That was one of the most crushing statements she has ever made to me.
A few weeks after my 21st birthday I asked Jesus Christ to come into my life, make me new, and I would make Him the Lord of my life. My conversion was genuine and solid. My dedication to my new faith overtook my same sex attractions. Had God renewed me and healed my instantly of this demon in my life?
I would find out a few years later that my attractions were still there, under the surface but there trying to come out. And eventually the did win out. I began meeting other gay people, lived with a guy who I was in a short term relationship, after we parted I moved in with a lesbian couple.
From my new understanding of the Bible I knew I could not be gay and a Christian. They cannot be mixed. Many people including professional counselors told me I could be gay and a Christian. I prayed hard about it and concluded that the Holy Spirit was telling me you can't be both. You have to make a choice.
Although an extremely difficult decision I decided that a relationship with God was much more important than any relationship I could have with a guy. So I walked away and did my best to not turn around to look back. While I wouldn't be turned into a pillar of salt like Lot's wife when she turned to watch Sodom and Gomorrah destroyed, I understood the meaning behind it. If I looked back long enough I might turn around and run back. So I kept moving forward and all the while trying to figure out how to get rid of the feelings for other men and "become straight".
Later the disciples went to Jesus in private and asked him, “Why couldn’t we force out the demon?” Jesus replied: It is because you don’t have enough faith! But I can promise you this. If you had faith no larger than a mustard seed, you could tell this mountain to move from here to there. And it would. Everything would be possible for you.
For most of my life I felt shunned by the 'straight' population and then also by the 'gay' population. I really had no idea where or if I fit in. I was so lost and had no idea where to turn. I didn't believe I could talk to my parents or siblings about this as I was mortified to have sexual desires toward the same sex. In addition I was raised by a father who tried to remove anything from my life that could possibly turn me gay.
My earliest memory is when I was playing "house" with my sister and younger brother. My sister was six years old, I was four and my brother was two. Why I remember this so vividly is that my father came home from work and saw us playing "house" in the car port. He was enraged at my mom for allowing this and that his sons should not be playing this girl's game. It would definitely 'turn us gay'. For the record, my younger brother is one of the most heterosexual men you'd ever meet. He's married and lives a good life.
My next memory is of my father flipping out on me and my mom because I had a poster hanging in my room that was a comic version of the popular song The Streak. I was 10 years old and it was cool because it was glow in the dark. My father was upset I had a poster of a naked man in my room (comic version, nothing showing). That poster would most definitely put me on the road to being a flaming homosexual.
The list is long of things that "would've made me gay" by my dad's standards. At the early ages I had no idea what he was talking about, but I figured it was not good. Over the years I slowly began to understand what he was afraid I'd become. When I did 'come out' my parents were not at all surprised. I hadn't remembered what I shared above so I was a bit confused when my mom said " we always knew you were this way". That was one of the most crushing statements she has ever made to me.
A few weeks after my 21st birthday I asked Jesus Christ to come into my life, make me new, and I would make Him the Lord of my life. My conversion was genuine and solid. My dedication to my new faith overtook my same sex attractions. Had God renewed me and healed my instantly of this demon in my life?
I would find out a few years later that my attractions were still there, under the surface but there trying to come out. And eventually the did win out. I began meeting other gay people, lived with a guy who I was in a short term relationship, after we parted I moved in with a lesbian couple.
From my new understanding of the Bible I knew I could not be gay and a Christian. They cannot be mixed. Many people including professional counselors told me I could be gay and a Christian. I prayed hard about it and concluded that the Holy Spirit was telling me you can't be both. You have to make a choice.
Although an extremely difficult decision I decided that a relationship with God was much more important than any relationship I could have with a guy. So I walked away and did my best to not turn around to look back. While I wouldn't be turned into a pillar of salt like Lot's wife when she turned to watch Sodom and Gomorrah destroyed, I understood the meaning behind it. If I looked back long enough I might turn around and run back. So I kept moving forward and all the while trying to figure out how to get rid of the feelings for other men and "become straight".
Later the disciples went to Jesus in private and asked him, “Why couldn’t we force out the demon?” Jesus replied: It is because you don’t have enough faith! But I can promise you this. If you had faith no larger than a mustard seed, you could tell this mountain to move from here to there. And it would. Everything would be possible for you.
