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serenity now!!!

Posted 10-22-2016 at 08:23 AM by trickydawn

It is really the gift that keeps on giving, this divorce thing. I can't think of anything outside my Mom taking the trip to Wonderland that isn't directly because of it. I finally got the Qdro paper filed, I think anyways-I may have done something wrong before handing it in. So Matt had to meet me there to also sign, and in all his crazy out of control bearded glory, was needing me to also sign a paper for him down in parking lot. He stated that it was so he could take money from Jc's college fund as a loan, (I had no idea I was on this account, or even what exists in this account) because he couldn't take any more loans out of his 401K till he closed up his current ones. I was fine with it, and followed him down. He points out in text before we meet, as well as upstairs and downstairs the fact that I will be getting $10000. more than him from the 401, as if I was so ****ing lucky, as well as he took the responsibility for the loans HE TOOK OUT WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE, as if he is a saint. So I don't point out that this was also my retirement, nor the fact that I supported him through college with all I had financially and emotionally. If I were him, I would have also pointed out the fact that if it werent for me, he wouldn't be even working for IGT in the first place, nor that he would be doubling the current amount in the 401 at the least before he retires, on top of whatever is willed from his family. Nope, I just know he will never see things like I do, and I am not even convinced he sees things the way he says he does. ANYWAYSSSSS, he hands me this piece of paper with one typed sentence at the top of it. Thats it. What it says shouldn't surprise me, as I called it months ago and he of course said no way, but it hits me like a punch from the hulk.
It reads that I am giving him permission to borrow from JC's college fund for the reason of making a down payment on a house. Yep, just like that, less than a year after he began his game, he is asking the woman that was his wife for 21 years, who willl never be able to buy a house in her life, has no medical insurance, lost the future I had planned and worked for with him, lost my son in many ways, can't even rent a house due to his lies about 4 damn medical bills equalling less than $500 that ruined my credit, and the same woman he loves to tell how poor he is because she took all his money in the divorce HE WANTED WHILE HAVING A STAGED RELATIONSHIP WITH THE FIRST AND ONLY PERSON HE COULD, as well as ****ing up so many aspects of his own child, and can't seem to understand why my reaction was to crumple up the paper and say **** you while shoving it in his hands. Seriously, wtf is wrong with this guy??? He then tells me, once again, how he just wants to be alone and not have B-Dog live with him, and hopes to leave her at the apt when he and Jc move out to their new house. HA HA MOTHER****ING HA! He is so full of himself, I don't think he really even comprehends what a douche bag he sounds like. He's once again acting like some victim that she forced herself on when he got his apt, moved her in (just in the last month I may add) and now hopes she won't bully her way into the home that she had planned on getting with him from the beginning! Oh, poor little Matt brings a family aquaintance into his marriage home, uses her to get an out of his marriage, pretends to be so brutalized by me while continuing to want sex from me and doing his (UNINTENTIONAL) constant cruel destruction of me while jacking off in her own house to pics of me, lying to all and disregarding any and all feeling but his own, but he is abused by me and controlled by her, to the point that he may not be able to now keep her from his new home? To the point that he is texting his son and also me in the same week asking if it would be better for us if he dumped her? So he can put it on one of us? GIVE ME A ****ING BREAK MATT!!! How stupid do think I am, and do you really convince yourself of this bull****? un****ingbelievable. I am actually feeling, once again, a bit protective over her and all his manipulation and using that I knew was the case all along. I did try to warn her more than once, but like the physical proof of his cheating and lying to her, as well as disrespecting her on top of ****ing with everyones head, she doesn't seem to care, so I brush off that silly protective feeling every time it pops up. After faking that I have an interview, I leave with another feeling of just being raped and hurt by him. But I get to deal with all that alone, because Matthew is pissed off at me as usual, and without asking how I am or how it went, he jumps into whatever he is needing to be angry at me for, reeks of vodka and that plastic chimical smell from his insides after he has been hitting the bottle several days in a row, and has zero interest in anything but getting himself to bed and telling me how I don't want to sleep with him and sneak out every night after he falls asleep between 7pm-9pm constantly. This continues into the next night, which is tonight, because 7 months after my Mom has been in this facility, I still cannot get the time to empty her house and have her affairs taken care of. I am too busy being a girlfriend that bends over backwards to make him happy, finishing up my divorce ****, working till recently, falling apart, going in the hospital, paying all the bills while accomadating the household and all the people that seem to think this is a free place to crash, build something with Jc again, have a bit of me time, sleep, take care of dogs, and clean up after whoever is living off me at the time. Basically I am going in circles getting nowhere, feeling used, alone, exhausted, defeated, invisible, becoming more and more hopeless, while getting older by the minute. I love and adore Matthew as a one on one boyfriend and guy. He is amusing, careless, a dreamer, smart, protective, sexy, sweet, and when we are alone and I am only focused on him and relaxed, damn....we are so good. The relaxing thing is so ****ing hard for me generally tho. I have to be away from the house or buzzed pretty much to accomplish that, because there just isn't any help from him most of the time outside of words promising to help. And he makes more mess, chaos, and plans than I can keep up with on top of everything else. I really think he means it when he says he will help, or we will do something together, or he will start saving toward his many many needs and dreams. He just simply forgets or gets lazy about them when the time comes. It is def more expensive to have him living here than otherwise. And his relationship with everyone else in this house stresses me out to no end. I am always in the middle. I'm even in the middle of his and my relationship a lot of the time! I know he gets offended with the use of the word, but he really acts entitled to pretty much everything. At the same time, he is NOT willing to compromise for others, What hurts the most tho, is his lack of interest in Jc, as well as his criticisms of him. This alone is the single most important thing he coud do to solidify my undying love and loyalty to him and this relationship. Not that I have any plans to leave Matthew, but I really wish I could see the future and the possibilites with him. I just see empty images when I try to visualize a future beyond the day to day here and now. It terrifies me. I want to see it with him. I want to HAVE it with him. I also know that the drinking, the daily bottle drinking, brings out this rude, crude, pushy, closed minded, mean person that hurts me to be around. I have a very hard time with his forgetfullness as well. Feels all to familiar. l am falling out here, bur I will I will try to pick this up later.
Posted in Get it right
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