Settling suffering,suicide and sitting under a tree
Suffering immensely,suffering too great to condense into paragraphs.The hardest period of my life.Everything is hazy from the brain damage and semi sleep,no real sleep that I'm getting now.My hopes of restoration and healing my brain seem gone with this poor fragmented and no deep sleep I suddenly have.Its so very unfair.
I study my misfortune and my suffering I look for bad karma,bad luck,bad spirits and try and see what is being settled.It helps to know why,I read in my pinterest feed "the soul is whole though the mind is wounded." I know my soul still soars on everything and everyone though I'm lost in this broken haze.I don't feel melancholic, I feel like a woman with dementia trying to remember everything things evoked and meant to me.I stare at the prints on my wall trying to remember their affect,their beauty,anything but it's all vague.Weeks ago I could still feel beauty.
I talk to suicidal people of which there are so many,on the suicide forum at any minute there are 500 people looking for help.I was there because I too wanted to put stones in my pocket and go down the river like Virginia Woolf.It just felt like with my sleep so bad now that my hope of healing this and coping had died, and I couldn't handle that.I was shocked by the number of suicidal people,I think of tribal cultures with zero depression and zero suicide and know there is something profoundly wrong with our culture.
I got dressed up even though I could barely function from everything, and sat under a tree,walked around trying to get clarity but couldn't think as I wished too.Writing my blog might help I think,maybe I should write more often as my mind allows.But right now I can't do much of anything like study books,or go on flights of fancy,or feel beauty or all the things I love.I am too tired mostly and it makes my mind worse.Getting loving support,my gosh I never realised till now the great need of others in our life.
I study my misfortune and my suffering I look for bad karma,bad luck,bad spirits and try and see what is being settled.It helps to know why,I read in my pinterest feed "the soul is whole though the mind is wounded." I know my soul still soars on everything and everyone though I'm lost in this broken haze.I don't feel melancholic, I feel like a woman with dementia trying to remember everything things evoked and meant to me.I stare at the prints on my wall trying to remember their affect,their beauty,anything but it's all vague.Weeks ago I could still feel beauty.
I talk to suicidal people of which there are so many,on the suicide forum at any minute there are 500 people looking for help.I was there because I too wanted to put stones in my pocket and go down the river like Virginia Woolf.It just felt like with my sleep so bad now that my hope of healing this and coping had died, and I couldn't handle that.I was shocked by the number of suicidal people,I think of tribal cultures with zero depression and zero suicide and know there is something profoundly wrong with our culture.
I got dressed up even though I could barely function from everything, and sat under a tree,walked around trying to get clarity but couldn't think as I wished too.Writing my blog might help I think,maybe I should write more often as my mind allows.But right now I can't do much of anything like study books,or go on flights of fancy,or feel beauty or all the things I love.I am too tired mostly and it makes my mind worse.Getting loving support,my gosh I never realised till now the great need of others in our life.
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