Wild energies,ordinaryness,hig h spirits and low
Feel so flat today,it started in the evening,I was really happy all day yesterday despite everything and finally feeling enthused about things.The day just felt bright but then last night it all just left.It happens to me so often ; this soaring on things only for it to all just evaporate,that I'm starting to feel bipolar and this at least gives me an excuse to keep reading on "mental illness" - so called,but what I see as an almost constant flux of spirits,dragging you down,or lifting you up.I don't doubt there is some physiological aspect at times (diet etc) but to me the whole thing seems a case of high and low spirits.We even use to say a person was in 'high spirits' or 'low spirits' till psychiatry and the whole concept of mental disorders and excess reason completely took over the vocabulary of our lives.
Because of the brain damage too, my range of feeling is so poor,it has affected that,things don't evoke much for me.But when I get 'flooded' in the spirtual sense I don't feel it all as badly.Im happy,I'm lit from within,I soar on whatever I'm drawn too,those are good days,but when it goes I just sit there flat.And my gosh with the meds it's so much worse I feel made very ordinary and typical,when I was exceptional unusual,and spirited.It seems what psychiatry is about, making these people with these wild energies and spirits as conforming,ordinary and efficient as possible and being afraid of it all, so suppressing the spirits and the soul.I think it's the saddest thing in the world.But I also know how hard it is to live with and that sometimes psychiatrists are just surveying the damage and looking for a quick fix.
Anyway I feel bored and not beloved and sick of things coming and going.I feel bored by the ordinary life people live,I thought I wanted it so much but I don't feel it was ever meant for me and now I long for more.I want to be a keeper of visions,a wise woman of the forest,on some manic wild rush,talking to trees.Ive been talking to a DNA match I found, learning about my paternal great grandfather,and his parents and their parents.All Dutch descent that I'm learning about, I use to wear little silver clog earrings in my twenties back when I was more interested in my Dutch heritage,it sort of fell by the wayside.Oh I really miss him I felt so tied to everything yesterday,but now it's all sort of gone.With the meds,psychiatry and societal pressure I just feel I've become an ordinary person and I hate it very much I want to find all that I truly am,more wild,more free rather than this suppression of everything.
Because of the brain damage too, my range of feeling is so poor,it has affected that,things don't evoke much for me.But when I get 'flooded' in the spirtual sense I don't feel it all as badly.Im happy,I'm lit from within,I soar on whatever I'm drawn too,those are good days,but when it goes I just sit there flat.And my gosh with the meds it's so much worse I feel made very ordinary and typical,when I was exceptional unusual,and spirited.It seems what psychiatry is about, making these people with these wild energies and spirits as conforming,ordinary and efficient as possible and being afraid of it all, so suppressing the spirits and the soul.I think it's the saddest thing in the world.But I also know how hard it is to live with and that sometimes psychiatrists are just surveying the damage and looking for a quick fix.
Anyway I feel bored and not beloved and sick of things coming and going.I feel bored by the ordinary life people live,I thought I wanted it so much but I don't feel it was ever meant for me and now I long for more.I want to be a keeper of visions,a wise woman of the forest,on some manic wild rush,talking to trees.Ive been talking to a DNA match I found, learning about my paternal great grandfather,and his parents and their parents.All Dutch descent that I'm learning about, I use to wear little silver clog earrings in my twenties back when I was more interested in my Dutch heritage,it sort of fell by the wayside.Oh I really miss him I felt so tied to everything yesterday,but now it's all sort of gone.With the meds,psychiatry and societal pressure I just feel I've become an ordinary person and I hate it very much I want to find all that I truly am,more wild,more free rather than this suppression of everything.
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