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Spiritual paths,a girlish girl and despairing days

Posted 09-25-2017 at 08:14 PM by Katiethegreat
Updated 09-25-2017 at 11:01 PM by Katiethegreat

Well thank god for my journaling,it's been a hard few days and my sleep as ever is impossible and I pretty much feel like a constant wreck.I became suicidal again, I guess because I can't find a way to overcome this brain injury and how I feel it limits my happiness now,and because I'm just so tired, I feel like the living dead.I have real life stresses too that I just can't manage with everything else.I long for a little lingering hope,even a slither of light.Most of all I'm longing for support,maybe jungian therapy or a close friend,just anyone to say you can build a new life from the wreckage,anything at all.To say you have my love and support through and out of this time.I can't bear psychologists and all their formality and theorems,that aren't wisdom,not a hint of wisdom but just stats,data and terminology and other such cold facts they rely on for living breathing soulful beings.I want someone to say to me that there are things to go on for and that my fate has profound purpose,because most of the time it just feels like I'm being cursed and punished.Not to say I haven't had an amazing life,everyday I think my life has been so hard but completely riveting and amazing,more interesting and deep than I ever could have imagined.But I know few who could endure my life.

Mostly today I miss being girly and fussy,spending my nights watching atonement completely lost in romance,picking out pretty powder jars and parfums,delighting in every fine and girlish thing around,and just being utterly lost in happy day dreams of lovely things and lovely lives.I miss all that keenly today,so very much.It made me so happy.But I have accepted that I'm on a spiritual path now and maybe always have been and that there are things I'm uncovering,there's definately so much more meaning to be had,a deeper comprehension of life.Sometimes I prefer the mysteries - especially when I think of red, or various soulmates,or my mythic fate,or folklore,or crossing worlds,when I'm dabbling in poetry or paint and the spirits are moving it all.I have felt the world of spirit was best for me and I was glad to know it.Today though I'd like to just go back to my girlish glee,there is spirit in that too in all my little fixes and favourites.

I have a girlish housewifey mode,a wild bohemian poet temper,keeper of the mysteries too, I am different people on different days,all sorts of things drive me and different people have different effects on me.I think I have no choice but to walk the woods to meet the old crone of darkness to see what wisdom she has,to dream my dreams.I dressed up still today and cooked and felt better.It was coming across a girl online today though, a girlish girl like me and feeling sad that I didn't feel like myself anymore and how fortunate her life was.Normally I peer into other lives and think my own has been more extrordinary and full of drama and heights.But today I was sad,I want to go home to some home that doesn't exist,I want to put on a sweet velvet dress in ivory,and a handmade silver necklace on,to beam and glow with rest,I want to recite Cummings or Tennyson in our bedroom and put the kettle on,to buy a new scarf from Liberty to match and a little box of lollies.I want to feel my majesty again,even this little phantasm I cannot feel much,I want to return to the land of the living.

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