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Bright morning,Back to black and the inner voice

Posted 10-06-2017 at 03:06 PM by Katiethegreat
Updated 10-06-2017 at 04:18 PM by Katiethegreat

Well I started with such a joyous day yesterday,I was on some manic high (I get those) and was thinking of Bohemia,poets and red and every good thing.I was in a whirl,I was thinking of spiritual heights,asylums,running mad,passion - everything I've been floating on for days.It was a good day the day before too,I had plans to start my blog.My old bohemian self of years gone by was kind of returning.But in the morning yesterday I ate a bag of chips,a simple bag of chips,that my inner voice told me several times not to eat but I ignored and ended up in such discomfort (still am), so uncomfortable I couldn't eat the rest of the day,and now I think my illness(ibs -caused by the meds) is going to come back just because I had these chips.The very last thing I could bear right now when I'm going through so much.I am barely coping as it is.I told myself to just eat fruit and vegtables which I normally do,I'm very healthy, so why I ignored my inner voice I'll never know.These were health chips too, so I think I'm just cursed that they made me ill.I just spent the whole afternoon in devastation,regret and worry.

I felt my whole great high I was on just leave it was as if everything evaporated and fell away,I'll never understand why that happens, its alot like having bipolar and it devastates you when everything just goes.I just had a terrible day and this morning was much the same,regret is anchoring me badly, why did I have those chips and bring on all this despair and worry,why didn't I listen to my inner voice..... this is what my life is.Other people eat nothing but junk all day and nothing happens to them,me everything I do some great breakdown is caused,months of trouble ensue.Its honestly karmic and the first thing in my Pinterest feed today was about karma.Or do I just make poor decisions,I really don't know,I don't think so.If anyone wants to write me a message telling me this is not something I should beat myself up over feel free.

At the moment it feels like my fault,but I learnt some important things - nothing is more important than listening to your little inner voice at first prompting,you will avoid so much peril and despair if you do,it is your souls compass.If I had I wouldn't have spent yesterday in hell and I might not be looking at future problems.But I always discover this and then continue to ignore that inner voice.The other thing was that regret serves nothing it won't alter what happened whether this or the damage,your only choice is to go forward and keep building a life.Its so hard,all the things I was dreaming on...articles I wanted to write,my blog,red,poetry I was reading,everything I was absorbed in just feels gone and all I feel is worry.I forgot how when I have the illness all I do is worry and can't enjoy life.It was nice for months now not to worry about it,though I was dealing with brain damage and sleep issues instead.Now I might be looking at brain damage,the illness again,sleep issues altogether,more than anyone can bear and I wonder why I'm so suicidal.And every single one of these problems was brought on by the meds.Honestly I wanted there to be a red button I could push that exstinguishes everything yesterday.I was in such grief.

I don't think I'm going to blame myself,other people do all the things I do and nothing happens to them at all.I must forgive myself.I am in some way fated for this awful life that I have,and I do know my past lives from my dreams so I know much of it is karmic.I know the karmic debts I have, but how to live through it all is the question.How to learn something from it all or pass through it,I just want yesterday morning back bright like it was so much.I just want to float off to the otherworld and never see this world and its troubles ever again.

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