Things fall apart,will and fate,to hope or not to hope
Well things are falling apart,it seems my illness has come back and I'm blaming myself.Everything just seems to be coming apart,and I get no relief not even a nights rest, just awful semi sleep that feels like I was awake,and nightmares all night so it's like life is currently just one hellish ride.I just didn't need this now and all I keep thinking is if you just had some fruit for breakfast instead,none of this disaster would have happened.But really no with my sleep going awful,and now this I think I just had a turn of ill luck and it's not my fault at all.I don't know when it will end and you just see no way to live the days.The problem with it is constipation,if you can't go you can't eat,and if you can't eat you can't exist.So right now I'm getting no real sleep,battling brain damage that desperately needs real restoring rest, and the universe thought it would stop me going to the loo too.I say it was the universe but really it was the meds that caused every bit of this.But the way it has worsened and the sorts of things that went wrong I do think it's karmic or cursing.I want to be hopeful and positive but when things continually befall you,when you wake up to a horrible darkness after hoping all night how can you keep telling yourself that dawn is on the way.
I tell myself it's because I did not train as a shamaness,I dreamt that was a calling,that it was the cure to my woes.I knew that people who have visions and walk worlds like me have a duty to be shamans and healers.I had read that in my own tribe if you don't answer the call (which I had) the ringing would get louder and nothing but disaster will befall you till you die should you not answer.I knew who to see and what to do but I was afraid and unsure.The spirits that call you to it will continue to tear apart your life till you accept your calling.I am polluted by enough dark spirits, I didn't want to go into that world of betwixt and between and shamanising,now I truly wish I had.
How I do I spare myself the worry? It won't help me,worrying means you suffer twice.All I can do is bear the days I feel strange,dizzy and in such a death cycle that feels utterly beyond repair.Just wanting to lie in the grass and vanish that's all I felt yesterday.Since this morning everything seems drifted from me and I want it all back.No to be honest I want oblivion and to never return to this god awful earth,that save from poetry,passion and donuts I think is not worth the grief.Really I have had the most beautiful and terrible six years that I do not know how to hope anymore I do not believe that one hopes and then life lights up.I think the days are arranged from our beginning and we bear them as fate.But I think of people meant for someone but they do nothing,they don't try,they sit around they never meet them but if they hoped and went out and took off they would,certainly life does require our will and our belief.But life has been so futile this year that I suppose this time will require all my will to believe again and shine through maybe it will make a difference.But God how I feel like death and beyond resurrection just wanting to fade out and into a new life.
I tell myself it's because I did not train as a shamaness,I dreamt that was a calling,that it was the cure to my woes.I knew that people who have visions and walk worlds like me have a duty to be shamans and healers.I had read that in my own tribe if you don't answer the call (which I had) the ringing would get louder and nothing but disaster will befall you till you die should you not answer.I knew who to see and what to do but I was afraid and unsure.The spirits that call you to it will continue to tear apart your life till you accept your calling.I am polluted by enough dark spirits, I didn't want to go into that world of betwixt and between and shamanising,now I truly wish I had.
How I do I spare myself the worry? It won't help me,worrying means you suffer twice.All I can do is bear the days I feel strange,dizzy and in such a death cycle that feels utterly beyond repair.Just wanting to lie in the grass and vanish that's all I felt yesterday.Since this morning everything seems drifted from me and I want it all back.No to be honest I want oblivion and to never return to this god awful earth,that save from poetry,passion and donuts I think is not worth the grief.Really I have had the most beautiful and terrible six years that I do not know how to hope anymore I do not believe that one hopes and then life lights up.I think the days are arranged from our beginning and we bear them as fate.But I think of people meant for someone but they do nothing,they don't try,they sit around they never meet them but if they hoped and went out and took off they would,certainly life does require our will and our belief.But life has been so futile this year that I suppose this time will require all my will to believe again and shine through maybe it will make a difference.But God how I feel like death and beyond resurrection just wanting to fade out and into a new life.
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