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Illuminating dreams,weighing options and beauty of chaos

Posted 01-16-2018 at 01:03 PM by Katiethegreat
Updated 01-17-2018 at 05:41 PM by Katiethegreat

Mark yon bright beauty, in her tragic airs,
How her clear white the mighty smother tinges!
Delicious chaos! that such beauty bares!-
And now those eyes outstretch their silken fringes,
Staring bewildered-and anon she tears
Her raven tresses ere the wide flame singes-
Oh! would she feel as I could do, and cherish
One wild forgetful rapture, ere all perish!-

- New Canto - Lady Caroline Lamb.

Well still struggling with new cognitive damage that I wish never happened,it's making me so sad,I'm at my most desolate,the most desolate I've ever been in my life.At the moment I'm weighing up coming off the meds,it's very worrying and stressful.At least Tuesday night I had a very illuminated and spiritual dream,in it I came across this young woman who was a healer or really her role was to guide people to their purpose or the wise woman tradition I can't remember everything it said.But I was overjoyed to find her,we had become friends before I knew what she did,and felt like she would bring me out completely and heal me,I felt relief in finding her.As I left her company everything was very heightened and prophetic,dim magic skies and a black women gave me a piece of paper I could barely read that said do you have hope? The neighbourhood we were in was full of alternative people normally I don't always like that,but it was full of this incredible vitality and energy,life everywhere and magic.Its hard to remember my dreams lately because of damage, so I can't really recall the details,wish I could.I also dreamt last night I was talking about the beauty of chaos infront of everyone.

I remember reading a quote that everyone who dreams is a little shaman and it's true,shamans travel to the otherworld to find knowledge,healing,wisdom etc.The world of dreams is a visitation to the otherworld,not unlike journey visions or trance visions that shamans have,or the walking worlds I do.So yes we are all a bit like shamans when we dream.I had gone to bed Tuesday night writing that I believed wholeheartedly that a shaman/healer could totally heal and transform me,I believed that they could heal my brain injury and my body that was ravaged by the meds and restore my soul.I guess the dream was confirmation of that.I still have no doubt they could but it's a matter of finding one and overcoming my fear of that world.I guess it's not fear at all but this intuitive feeling that that world of shamanism is a bit lawless and dangerous.But really I am never going to pull through unless I get help from the tradtional healing I believe in as opposed to the psychiatry that destroyed me.

But I am also trying to be realistic about this,if I come off the med I would be hospitalised within months and back on it so why even try to come off it.Its not because my illness is that bad it's because the drugs have changed your brain so much they cause withdrawl,psychosis etc.I don't want the severe instability of being hospitalised and moving every few months.This knowledge and a range of pro and cons list is putting me off coming off the meds.But staying on them means not going,severe sleep problems I can't win either way.Suicide is ever present because there seems no way out of my problems,may call lifeline today.

I'm listening to music alot still, mostly Hoziers 'from eden' which im in love with,but I wish he was more bare acoustic,his voice is closer to what I hear in my otherworld episodes,only that singing is 1000 times more magnificent.I am rake thin at the moment because I never have the slightest appetite.I desperately need advice and help,support but I think I would go my own way regardless.All the advice I've got has been idiotic and pitiful so far.I know the way deep in my heart but I'm not willing to risk it.I have seen a shaman once and I was just crying as we talked to the ancestors, I knew it was the sure way,we always know the way hidden in our hearts.But I have so much fear of life becoming unstable again,I couldn't take it with my life the way it is now.

I still feel such relief though that I never took the med for six whole years and whilst my life was a very wild ride that whole time,it was extraordinary and I was living close to my principles,I held fort over my spiritual power.I thought what type of intuitive knowledge I'd like to get on journeys/dreams/shamanic work - I'd love to know more about red (my red headed soulmate) and access to divine poetry.I have experienced both during my episodes.Think I will study poetry today,I ordered the two handmade Celtic journals I was longing for, one was a custom design with an ouroboros and Celtic triskele to symbolise red.Im going to put the poems I've written on him in it,quotes and notes on it all.It will be a sacred book.The other one I will use for various family history and important things.I can't say this all isn't bringing me closer to the core,to who I am,it truly does but my gosh what a journey, brought out of everyday life and forced to go down into the depths.
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