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True self,false things and fairy lights

Posted 01-30-2018 at 01:46 PM by Katiethegreat
Updated 01-30-2018 at 08:07 PM by Katiethegreat

Well things are still dire,finding it very hard to go on.I still thought though last night what a beautiful time this was,somehow facing death has brought everything that matters into focus,I feel more authentic and true than I've ever felt,like all the superfluous and false lives have passed away.I thought too the other day how I wanted to be like the girl with the harp dressed in flowing clothes,painting and poetry,the mystic arts just completely devoted to an authentic life away from our false society.I could no longer tolerate false things.But I ask myself why did I go on this journey toward my true self if I could not live it.If none of the things it contains are possible for me,I can't paint anymore though I was once a good painter,I can't write poetry anymore,or novels,I can't do anything.What was the point of becoming myself only to lose all I am.I don't know and I still wish I could undo it all.

Right now I am having severe sleep problems and am going through the process of coming off the med,but all I really want is a vial of poison,I think it's all beyond me now.I am amazed that a little white pill could destroy my life like this,all I was,all I am,all my hopes and put me on the path of death.I sit with the fairy lights drinking my tea,wondering how to go on,everything I was forgotten because of what psychiatry did to me.I thought I am not different to all those patients lying in the asylum with lobotomies in ages past,with nothing to do but stare at the ceiling.I had vague notions of painting and music,but now I can no longer get much pleasure out of music I seen no point,and painting which I always loved stirs nothing,and no imagination.That romantic notion would have lasted one day.If anyone knows what a person does without thoughts or feelings feel free to message me.

I think of the quote I keep on my wall "there is a voice inside you that whispers all day long,I feel this is right for me,I know this is wrong" how wrong the drug always felt and if I stuck to that feeling none of this would be happening.I would still be in the land of the living,writing my novels,in love and immersed in my passions.I felt I wanted to live a thousand years.Higher thoughts are completely impossible someone asked the question what is love I just felt puzzled couldn't process what the question meant,whereas before the damage I would have had a hundred philosophies on it.I see only three paths,go to the hospital collapse in overwhelm,see a healer like the woman who saw the ngangkari and hope for miraculous cures and a new life,suicide.Those feel like my only options.Gosh I had so much to do today when all I wanted to do was fall into a heap from tiredness have bought a host of sleep aids and am going to try everything.
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