All for nothing, again........

And just like that, he is gone. No warning, aside from his past behavior and comments, but that is his norm. In three and a half years, he was gone at least a third of it Back and forth between her and I. This was the longest stretch by far he stayed in one place, which I'm sure was due to the distance. It was also, I felt, the most positive time we spent together, with a few blow ups, but much more good than bad this time. I felt we had made some progress, and it's the idleness that started getting to head. Well, that and his never ending need to stay in Lisa's contact, although he denies it. We were learning the city together, adjusting to living in a very different environment than we wer both used to. We took a lot of walks, spent the day at the exploration place, thrift store shopping, rode electric scooters, hiked and went shooting, and did a lot of dreaming about what we wanted to do here. I always had the pit in my stomach feeling that he would take off, hard not to with his history and his constant comments about why he needs to go, but it was the most secure I have felt with him staying since the first time he left on Knoblock. But the day he took off, and how he did it, and how he left me without any explanation and not taking care of his obligations. It was a harsh reminder that when he is done, for whatever reason, I cease to have any concern to him. The position he leaves me in financially and emotionally every time, hasn't been something he ever ackonwledges. He does the same to Lisa. It's not ok for anyone to do to another, much less someone he claims to love. Thats what really boggles my mind. After he is so distraught when we split for whatever, usually the same **** every time, and asking to take him back and give him one more chance, he will express how he doesn't feel whole without me, needs me like he needs breath, is so in love with me and has been since we were teenagers, spent the last few decades just waiting until he could get me back, I was always on his mind and tho he learned to love Lisa, it was me he wanted and it was only because she got pregnant and he would never leave until the kids were raised that kept them married. He adamently states that he NEVER wants to go without me again, needs to sleep next to me, needs to smell my smell, and promises to spend every day for the rest of our lives making it up to me, proving he will be faithful and that I can count on him being there by my side, and will do anythng, whatever it takes because he never wants to be without me again. I am THE most important thing and person in the world to him besides his grandkids. He will insist he is going to marry me again, and that I am the best woman he knows and he is a better man with me. Than one day, he will start accusing me of talking to other guys, meeting up with them, will start going through everything I own, recording me, doing **** to my phone, deleting personal and OLD things from it, sometimes messaging and doing backgrounds on people in my contacts, breaking my phone or taking it from me, and this type of behavior has happened throughout the decades and times together, and he has never had anything that he discovered to solidify his suspicions, beyond **** he convinced himself, but was never accurate. This is because it never existed. I have never done any of that and if I wanted to be involved with anyone else EVER, I simply wouldnt be in a relationship with him. That simple, but for some reason, from our first time together, through our marriage, and this time together, he is still determined to catch me cheating and prove it, like he wants me to be doing something just so he can catch me. I don't get it, if he thinks that's who I am with such conviction, why does he even want to be with me. Than he will later say, he knows Im not a cheater, but than again, he will try to find me cheating and look at every scrap of paper, go through every personal item of mine even reading my personal journal, go through every one of my drawers or boxes, everything and feels that is ok. Then his head will tell him some random item, doesn't matter what it really is or where it came from or that I DON'T OWE HIM an explanation for my personal belongings that have nothing to do with whatever completely ridiculous story he has come up with, and I am forced to defend something not only makes no sense, but is literally blowing my mind to hear him yelling what it is and where it came from and how I was trying to hide it. It is so far fetched and from left field, I can't understand how he not only comes up with this stuff, but how he could even believe it. And the more I am yelled at, and he is raging that I am a liar and cheater, and even ***** a few times, the more I feel like a caged animal. I just want to understand why his head tells him things that aren't real, why he knows this, but won't listen to me when I try to calm him and get him to see that it is his head, and just like every time, once everything is calm, he will see everything for what it is and than apologizes, and talks about what his head was telling him. But I can never get through to him until after the fight, things getting broke, me getting terrified and almost always feeling like I am on the brink of losing my mind permanatly with all the ptsd it triggers.
Damn I always stray from my intended writing. My mind get so overwhelmed with all the racing thoughts, I dont write anything that I was intending. I'll try again later. Either way, the man that needs me like his breath, and all the other things he says he feels about me, said many of the same sentiments several times throughout the day, the day before he bought a plane ticket, left me in broken glasses that messed with my depth perception, gave me tunnel vision, and were SO NOT OK or safe for me to drive with, stuck me with paying for the phone he broke, the eye doctor, no food, unpaid internet bill, unable to get my gun only he could pick up, and no explanation.
Just left, and it has only been since he has left, I have heard different things. He was just going to visit, without a round trip ticket mind you and everything he brought when he moved here, minus a few things he didn't are about. Even if this had been the case, it's SO NOT OK, and that is NOT how relationships work. Louie can and does take off whenever he wants, blows off the bills, has no discussion prior to leaving, takes what is supposed to OUR budget he wanted and we agreed was to be used together like adult couples, and just goes. This is not new, the distance is the big difference, but leaving me to cover his part of **** and to pick up the pieces, just walking out not caring how it affects me or if I even have what I need to be ok. This time takes everything he owns pretty much, obviously is not planning on returning, says he will leave keys but doesn't, tells me nothing but to give him his food card, than just cancels it when I don't, again not caring I have NOBODY here and we have no food and all my money is gone because he was supposed to reimburse me for my phone and glasses, I paid rent and my other bills, and left my to blindly drive on my own. Than, altho he isn't planning on coming back, calls once there to say he loves and misses me and will see in about a week or so, never saying where he will be, or anything else. OF COURSE A BLIND DEAF 3 YEAR OLD knows where he will be and with who, BECAUSE AT LEAST A HUNDRED TIMES HE HAS SWORN NOT TO GO THERE AGAIN WITH HER, LIKE HE SAYS HE DOESN'T TALK TO HER ALL THE TIME, AND HE KNOWS IT ISN'T OK AND THAT IT IS WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS AND IS SORRY AND WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN BECAUSE HE KNOWS IT ****S WITH ME AND THEIR WHOLE CHEATING **** AND HE WOULD NEVER ALLOW THE SAME, HELL I CAN;T EVEN HAVE A FRIENDSHIP THAT IS PHONE ONLY AND WAS NEVER INNAPROPRIATE BUT HE CAN LIVE WITH HER FOR WEEKS ON END ITS ****ING INSANE HOW HE JUSTIFIES HIS BULL****. And I hear nothing else from him for about 10 days, and than it's i love you and miss you, than nothing, than it's random 3 word sentences on messenger, still no answers, still no location, than he is trying to find a way home, because again, he took his whole months pay, didn't help with anything here, and spent it with his wife and acts like I even believe he is doing anything to get back here, I don't even believe he has any intention to come back at all, and certainly no time soon. He left there with the intention to stay, so the call when he got there and taking the keys was his way to **** with me, or his head was confusing him. He surely told Lisa he had left me again, and is there with and for her, if they hadnt had this planned already before he left, as he is always in contact with her. Oh, he took me off his facebook as well, and knowing Mothers day was the next day, I was already upset about JC being gone already a month when he has a baby coming and I was living here while he was there, Louie didnt think twice about abandoning me and spending mothers day with his wife. No thoughts or cares that the woman he wants to marry and loves more than anything and will do whatever it takes to prove I can count on him, will spend Mothers Day, and every day after that, alone with ZERO CLUE as to why he left or what the **** happened. I just know, of course, who he is with and WHO HE REALLY MISSES, since the grandkids he is missing so much he HAS to go see them asap and are the reason he gets sad, didn[t see him for over two weeks, and than him and his wife had a short visit. You didn't even say Happy mothers day to Tierra, and certainly didn't say it to me, because you had to spend it eating the ass of the woman you don't want to be around, and you have always given silent permission to spew her trailer trash mouth at me, joining in even a few times, and wanting only to stay away from her. OMG, I am getting so disgusted, pissed, chest is hurting, heart is racing, stomach is in knots. YOU ARE SO WARPED AND the most disloyal, lying, shady, dirty ****ed up man, and have no idea what real love is or what you want aside from doing whatever the **** you want whenever you want and enjoying the damage you cause to others.