Welcome to City-Data.com forum! Make sure to 
2008---A Year of Depression, Loneliness, Confusion, and Loss
Posted 01-01-2009 at 12:53 PM by ScranBarre
Updated 01-01-2009 at 12:54 PM by ScranBarre (Typographical Error)
Updated 01-01-2009 at 12:54 PM by ScranBarre (Typographical Error)
As I reflect upon last year, tears often begin to well up in my eyes as I recall just how tumultuous and painful 2008 was. The year was marked by loss---we buried my childhood dog, our long-time church pastor, and my grandmother, who finally succumbed after a long and painful battle with cancer. I called off my long-term relationship with my partner, Cody, after being together for about fourteen months, simply because I had fallen out of love with him. I was rejected by all of my on-campus interviewers, leaving me worried that I'll be jobless as our recession worsens in 2009. I've just about completely lost my faith, and I feel spiritually drained.
More recently I've also been emotionally drained. As has been a curse with me my entire post-pubescent life I've once again begun to fall in love with a straight guy---this time a co-worker. He's recently out of a heart-breaking break-up himself with his girlfriend, and just last night at a New Year's Eve party he broke down into tears again after learning some bad medical news. A part of me just wanted to put my arms around him and hold him close to me, rocking him gently back and forth as his tears ebbed, but I know such an advance on my part would be irresponsible and selfish, as not only would I be trying to genuinely assuage his pain but also have the ulterior motive of trying to get him to look at me in a more favorable light as someone who could be there for him when life went awry.
I've also fallen out of love with my hometown of Scranton, PA. This city is going nowhere quickly, and regardless of how much I've tried pumping up its image here on City-Data for others to see it in a whole new perspective, I remain an "outcast" on our own NEPA sub-forum for my controversial beliefs, as evidenced by the recent rant I just posted to vent all that has been ailing me. Couple this with the fact that I'm afraid to get blood work done myself because I've been having gastro-intestinal pains and irregularities as of late, and I just don't find many reasons to be grateful for being alive right now.
It's just as if life truly does serve no purpose for me to be here anymore. All I do is irritate others and disappoint myself and those who may have at one point looked up to me.
More recently I've also been emotionally drained. As has been a curse with me my entire post-pubescent life I've once again begun to fall in love with a straight guy---this time a co-worker. He's recently out of a heart-breaking break-up himself with his girlfriend, and just last night at a New Year's Eve party he broke down into tears again after learning some bad medical news. A part of me just wanted to put my arms around him and hold him close to me, rocking him gently back and forth as his tears ebbed, but I know such an advance on my part would be irresponsible and selfish, as not only would I be trying to genuinely assuage his pain but also have the ulterior motive of trying to get him to look at me in a more favorable light as someone who could be there for him when life went awry.
I've also fallen out of love with my hometown of Scranton, PA. This city is going nowhere quickly, and regardless of how much I've tried pumping up its image here on City-Data for others to see it in a whole new perspective, I remain an "outcast" on our own NEPA sub-forum for my controversial beliefs, as evidenced by the recent rant I just posted to vent all that has been ailing me. Couple this with the fact that I'm afraid to get blood work done myself because I've been having gastro-intestinal pains and irregularities as of late, and I just don't find many reasons to be grateful for being alive right now.
It's just as if life truly does serve no purpose for me to be here anymore. All I do is irritate others and disappoint myself and those who may have at one point looked up to me.
Total Comments 24
Comments
-
Hi! ScranBarre:
Something to think about. The Good Book, The Bible, Says, That when God created everything. "That it was good". Now, I go with what God said,and so should you. His love is not based upon who or how we love another person or even if we love both gender equally as well, and He, God, only requires that we love each other within those relationships. Just look at the Animal world where homosexuality is the norm, not the exception, and they too being a part of God's wonderful creation,Well, God finds no fault with their homosexual behavior, and in his love for all mankind He won't be faulting you sexual Preference either. There is only one sexual preference as I see it, and that is "Bisexuality". And here is why. Self-Love, Masturbation, is the loving of same gender, "Yourself". Most people conveniently don't see it that way, and tag themselves with many sexual lables.that just don't hold water. And someday bisexuality will be the social and religious shoe that fits both you an me, where we then choose who and what our sexuality should be.Posted 07-30-2009 at 09:14 PM by Toldman
-
Hi, Paul. I hope that over the past months, your discouragement has changed. Spirituality, I've learned, goes up and down with our emotions and life experiences. I trust that you've taken steps to regain your faith in your loving heavenly father. My take on New Years is that hugging would have been very much the right thing to do. Touch is a significant factor in mental (and spiritual) health. I know, in the US, men as a rule only shake hands or at most give sideways hugs, but when I'm depressed (which is all the time for ten years now) a body hug is restorative. It tells me that I'm loved and cared for. We need to lose our hugphobia. In the past three years, I've had several serious, potentially fatal, gastro-intestinal surgeries. Removal of 42" of small intestine, a couple of sessions with NG tube to try to get my stomach muscles going again, and then removal of 80% of my colon. So, I know something about stomach pain and fear of blood tests. Unfortunately, all of this is concurrent with suicidal ideation, which gives me mixed feelings about being pulled back from death. I've been married for 37 years to one woman, at the same time living with ssa. Keeping it secret has been an integral part of my mental and physical ill-health. I don't know what I'd do if I could go back 37 years and do a second take. I do know that if I were to do that, and had the understanding that I now have of various life issues, I would certainly do things quite differently. Good old, "What If". Rather, we just move ahead with the understandings and feelings that we do have.Posted 08-07-2009 at 03:34 PM by tenacresandfree
-
God bless you Paul. I know what loss is and I can empathize with you completely. I lost my mother to cancer ten years ago and the world became a much darker and colder place since. About two years after that I lost a terrific job.It was the best paying and the most enjoyable job I'd ever had and I developed many great friendships there. I've never found a job of that par since. I have gone through two divorces since then; the first being to my wife of almost twenty years and with whom I have my son. (He is sometimes my sole reason for not just calling it quits completely); and the second to a woman who left me financially ruined. My joy and optimism died when my mother died and it seems my life spiraled downward ever since. I don't have any advice to offer you on how to get on with life because if I did, I would have taken it myself. All I can say is I know where you are and you are not alone. That in itself may help a bit.Posted 08-19-2009 at 09:28 AM by Consent Withdrawn
