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Old 11-15-2009, 09:54 PM
 
11,678 posts, read 14,371,208 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SoHoVe View Post
Adoption isn't like a marriage...you can't just take a chance and hope for the best knowing that for a couple hundred bucks and alot of paperwork you can dissolve it if the relationship fails to meet your expectations. Also partners in a marriage BOTH made a choice. Babies obviously don't have any say in the decisions that are made on their behalf. With some things in life its acceptable to take chances but when the chance involves someone elses life and long term happiness I think its a wee bit on the selfish side.
My reply was not intended to state that the unwilling should adopt. I only read that foma said she did not think she could love a child not her own. I think that's a difficult position to state because you just don't know that until you're deep in it.

I'm sorry that your situation was not what you wanted or deserved, but it shouldn't color everyone else's experience.
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Old 11-15-2009, 10:21 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
3,566 posts, read 5,707,191 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spinx View Post
My reply was not intended to state that the unwilling should adopt. I only read that foma said she did not think she could love a child not her own. I think that's a difficult position to state because you just don't know that until you're deep in it.

I'm sorry that your situation was not what you wanted or deserved, but it shouldn't color everyone else's experience.
I am in NO WAY trying to 'color" everyone else's experience. I've seen wonderful adoptive parents infact I would say that maybe even greater percentage of them better fulfill their childrens needs when compared to biological families but I think that is in part because so many biological parents find themselves in the position of having a child unexpectedly when maybe they weren't prepared.

Interesting that in your opinion my opinion is trying to "color everyone else's experience" while your opinion is not. I am sorry that you see it that way.
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Old 11-16-2009, 01:53 PM
 
2,779 posts, read 4,654,059 times
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I'm an adoptive parent, I knew without a doubt that I could love an adopted child as much as I could a biological one, it was never a question in my mind. Honestly, to me its a little strange people who think that blood is so important...I don't get it. My adoptive daughter is very much like me, my friend's biological daughter in just like her MIL, drives my friend nuts...biology isn't a guarantee of anything.
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Old 11-18-2009, 09:09 PM
 
Location: S. Florida
1,100 posts, read 2,654,836 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hml1976 View Post
I'm an adoptive parent, I knew without a doubt that I could love an adopted child as much as I could a biological one, it was never a question in my mind. Honestly, to me its a little strange people who think that blood is so important...I don't get it. My adoptive daughter is very much like me, my friend's biological daughter in just like her MIL, drives my friend nuts...biology isn't a guarantee of anything.
I am a mom with both a bio and adopted child. I love and adore them BOTH equally. They are BOTH special to me in their unique ways. I agree, blood isn't everything.

Aside from the fact that my daughter and I don't look like one another (she has blonde hair and blue eyes. I have brown hair and brown eyes) we are VERY much alike in every other way. Besides, love doesn't discriminate.
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Old 11-19-2009, 06:53 AM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
1,820 posts, read 3,990,674 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hml1976 View Post
I'm an adoptive parent, I knew without a doubt that I could love an adopted child as much as I could a biological one, it was never a question in my mind. Honestly, to me its a little strange people who think that blood is so important...I don't get it. My adoptive daughter is very much like me, my friend's biological daughter in just like her MIL, drives my friend nuts...biology isn't a guarantee of anything.

I agree! I really never understood or do I understand, one's "need" to have a biological child. Biology doesn't guarantee anything.
While going through our infertility issues many years ago, of course, it was a difficult time but considering adoption was never a difficult part for us.
We just kind of picked ourselves up and said "okay,if this isn't going to work naturally, then we adopt!" and so we did, twice!
Of course you must understand the adoption process and we took our time researching agencies,etc....
In the end, you must be a parent.
You must love,guide,nurture,discipline and accept your child, no matter what. Biological or not.
My children are my OWN children, giving birth is not something I put any importance on and I am sorry if that is offensive to some.
Giving birth certainly doesn't make anyone a better parent to a child.

One must go into adoption with an open mind and heart and understand that sure, there will probably be struggles,questions but really? when isn't there?
YOU have to know in your heart that you are going to accept that child as you would accept them if having given birth to them...
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Old 11-21-2009, 04:57 PM
 
371 posts, read 1,115,403 times
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the only point I'd want to touch on is the 'not loving the child like your own'. My first sort of instinct is to hastily say " you have no clue about what a parent feels like, then!" but I take a deep breath, and say...it just doesn't cross my mind that you won't fall madly in love with this child. When you see them reach for you, smile at you, when you see you can make them laugh and feel safe, when they're growing and reaching milestones- believe me you love them. My only concern is the sad fact of some children not functioning well emotionally from being abused or abondoned. I did know someone who tried hard, but was completely consumed by a child that had enormous problems ( not his fault ) and still does. She still loves him, but definitely questions the decision. I'm thinking of it myself ( adoption) and know I will love it the same as my own!
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Old 11-21-2009, 06:58 PM
 
3,007 posts, read 3,353,333 times
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I would table this discussion since it's a hot button issue and it may not even be a factor in your life at all. Wait until you learn whether you are infertile before you deal with this. Infertility, if that ends up being your fate, is a life changing experience and if you choose to do treatments, it might be a long journey, and both of these things can change your perspective drastically. It's really too soon to be thinking about this now.

Secondly, I know that adoption is a warm fuzzy topic for many, but it also has a very, very dark side. You need to do your research (when the time comes) and learn what some of the down sides of adoption can be. Then you can share these issues with your husband. He sounds like he has a bit of a Pollyanna attitude toward adoption (like many people do) so it might expand his horizons a bit to be exposed to the realities of adoption.

Lastly, realize that there are other options besides adoption. If you do have infertility, you will undergo diagnosis to find out what the problem is. If the problem is your husband's sperm, most problems can be easily treated by surgical extraction of sperm and if not, there is always donor sperm. If the problem is your eggs, there is donor eggs. If the problem is your uterus, there is surrogacy. All of these alternative methods to family building can be very satisfying, especially because each allows you to maintain at least one genetic connection.
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Old 11-21-2009, 08:05 PM
 
2,779 posts, read 4,654,059 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chattypatty View Post
Secondly, I know that adoption is a warm fuzzy topic for many, but it also has a very, very dark side. You need to do your research (when the time comes) and learn what some of the down sides of adoption can be. Then you can share these issues with your husband. He sounds like he has a bit of a Pollyanna attitude toward adoption (like many people do) so it might expand his horizons a bit to be exposed to the realities of adoption.

Lastly, realize that there are other options besides adoption. If you do have infertility, you will undergo diagnosis to find out what the problem is. If the problem is your husband's sperm, most problems can be easily treated by surgical extraction of sperm and if not, there is always donor sperm. If the problem is your eggs, there is donor eggs. If the problem is your uterus, there is surrogacy. All of these alternative methods to family building can be very satisfying, especially because each allows you to maintain at least one genetic connection.
Oh the "dark side" argument, all known as the "all adopted kids are screwed up" argument. Well, my kids were both adopted...totally normal, my husband adopted...normal, my sister adopted...normal too. I'm part of an adoptive families playgroup...all normal kids. Yes, adoption comes out of tragedy, it isn't a happy beginning, but please, we love our kids as much as you do and find it just as "satisfying" to be their parents.

On the other hand, I do have some biological relatives that are total nut jobs
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Old 11-22-2009, 09:56 AM
 
3,007 posts, read 3,353,333 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hml1976 View Post
Oh the "dark side" argument, all known as the "all adopted kids are screwed up" argument. Well, my kids were both adopted...totally normal, my husband adopted...normal, my sister adopted...normal too. I'm part of an adoptive families playgroup...all normal kids. Yes, adoption comes out of tragedy, it isn't a happy beginning, but please, we love our kids as much as you do and find it just as "satisfying" to be their parents.

On the other hand, I do have some biological relatives that are total nut jobs
I also know some happy "adoption" families, and I'm glad that yours is one of them. That doesn't change the facts. No need to get defensive. There are multiple issues with adoption and many children DO have problems that last a lifetime. Not to mention that it is virtually impossible to find a caucasian newborn to adopt these days, so many couples are turning to foreign adoptions, which are RIFE with serious problems. I have some extensive experience with this and I know what I'm talking about.

Additionally, a friend of mine is a teen social worker and she said that 80% of her caseload is adopted kids. Coincidence? I don't think so.

It's not fair to mislead infertile couples that all is rainbows and lollipops; they have been through enough already.
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