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Old 07-07-2007, 12:08 AM
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Okay, the situation isn't immediate but DH and I are talking about whether or not to adopt if for some reason we can't bare our own children. He says he's totally open to adopt. My attitude is, "I want to create a baby with you or not at all."

Please don't judge me or admonish my choice. It is my choice and does not affect any of you so I would rather you not post any comments regarding my opinion about adoption.

If (*knock on wood*) for some reason we can't have our own kids, should I submit to DH's openmindedness about adoption? I'm afraid I won't love the child as "my own". I'm afraid the adopted child would be a constant reminder that I can't bare children. I'm afraid I can't give him/her the additional love/attention that I feel adopted kids need. I'm afraid that we'd adopt and then suddenly get pregnant and treat the adopted kid "differently" (which I hvae seen happen and it's not a pretty picture).

Again, I appreciate honest, objective advice. Guilt trips or making me feel like crap won't work on me. My concern is that I just won't love the kid as much as I would my own. With that thought, maybe I shouldn't even bare children.

I totaly empathize and care about the kids who are abandoned. I would actually like to volunteer/donate money if it turned out that we couldn't have kids. I would do it even if we did have kids but that's not the point.

Okay, let them roll ...
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Old 07-07-2007, 12:47 AM
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Well, your thread is CONVINCE ME to adopt. If one has to be convinced, one probably doesn't want to do the deal. I don't think anyone should take on something so significant as adoption, unless there is a genuine desire to do so that comes from within one's heart.
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Old 07-07-2007, 01:05 AM
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I absolutely agree but this conversation has escalated into arguments between DH and me. We usually go to our separate corners before it really gets bad and we're totally not even at that 'stage' but he really wants a kid so badly that he wants to adopt if that turned out to be our only option.

Yes, we did talk about this before we got married and at the time (I was young and optimistic) I knew I couldn't rule out the adoption option. As you get older, your viewpoints change, you know?
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Old 07-07-2007, 01:07 AM
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I agree, just the fact that you state you need to be convinced has convinced me you shouldn't adopt. First of all most regular domestic adoptions today are not babies that are abandoned generally. They are birthmothers who choose during their pregnancy to place their baby for adoption at birth and during their pregnancy choose a couple or a single to adopt their baby after the birth. We do not have orphanages anymore in the US. Then there is adoption through the fostercare system which is a whole different thing. I have 3 biological children, have lost 4 babies and adopted one child at birth. I love my adopted daughter just as much as my bio sons. I have been with her since the day she was born and she feels like a part of me. I could and would not love her even one ounce more if she was mine biologically. I could never love any child "less" because they are adopted.
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Old 07-07-2007, 01:12 AM
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Okay, another question: How can I get my husband to see my point of view? I absolutely agree with you guys that I'm probably not cut out for adoption but I don't know how to relate this to DH without getting into a fight for some reason. It's like we go around in circles. He sees what he wants but not what I want.
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Old 07-07-2007, 06:11 AM
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One thing to consider is that I think your feelings are perfectly normal. I also think that once you have a child a lot of those feelings will disappear. Once you become responsible for the life of a child, things change.

One example I can give is when I was in college I was watching a story about a mom that kept going back into a burning building to get her kids and I couldn't understand how she could do that, risk her life like that. Now that I have my own kids, oh boy could I walk through fire for them. It is that sense of responsibility for a child that takes over whether they are your children biologically or adopted.

Maybe you could try being foster parents for a while and see how that goes. I think you will be surprised at how quickly you will form an attachment to the children in your care. If after having a few placements it doesn't seem to be something you will be able to do, then you and your husband will have at least tried it and can discuss the issue with more sound reasoning.

Adoption isn't for everyone and it may not be for you. The hard part is you can't really do a 'trial' adoption and if it doesn't work, give the child back.
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Old 07-07-2007, 10:07 AM
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Why don't you and your husband just agree to stop talking about this until it's obvious that you can't have children on your own?

It's pointless to waste time and energy arguing about something that may never come to pass. Or else just shut up and agree with him. It will make things a lot easier. Set a time limit of a certain number of years, I think five would do it, and maybe by then, he will change his mind about whether or not he wants to be a father bad enough to adopt.
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Old 07-07-2007, 10:41 AM
Location: Utah
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I suggest you pick up a copy of Adoptive Family magazine. It has articles that address all angles of adoption.

My husband was opposed to adoption...in his family history it was a secretive shameful thing. However, I grew up with a grandmother who had foster children and was socially conscience. I alway *knew* I would adopt, even when I was very young.

For ME, adoption is not a second rate option. As some say, it is not a "condolence prize". It is a different way to create a family.

I have 2 bio children, and next year will have an adopted child(ren). They will be MINE, no less so than the 2 perfect ones I already have.

My husband and I have been married for 15 years, the first 5 or so years he was very opposed...but we were far from being able to adopt anyway. Over the years he has heard me talk of it, has met families, basically been exposed to it. In the last 4-5 years he has been as excited about it as I am. My children are too, for that matter.
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Old 07-07-2007, 11:15 AM
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Or else just shut up and agree with him.
Well, I can't just agree with the guy now and then disagree later! That would be hypocritcal but you do have a point: talking about it right now is a moot point. Settling a "timeframe" is a great idea. Next time if things get heated (it won't be me bringing it up I promise!) I will definitely bring up a timeframe.

For ME, adoption is not a second rate option.
I totally don't see it that way. Well, maybe on a sub-conscious level I do but don't you think if that's how I feel that adoption isn't a right fit for me? I'm socially conscience but my take on it is I'd rather help the "masses" rather than just one or two kids by adopting. I don't see adoption as "shameful" and give kudos to any couple who adopts. It is, to me, such a selfless, loving act that take a lot of courage. All that time, effort, and money a couple needs to spend, it's overwhelming! I just think if it ended up that way, I think it's just too much "hassle". Man, that is such a shallow statement!

Anyway, I appreciate everybody's inputs. You guys have given great advice. Thank you again.
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Old 07-07-2007, 11:32 AM
Location: State College PA
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It was a mere 8 years ago that children were not on my mind, not what I wanted, not an ambition,...nothing.

I now have 2 children, and as most parents will tell you, they are everything (they are biological, just to note). My husband and I were lingering yesterday over the days of...if we had the extra money from day care, do you know the vacations we could take?!?! Would we want that life back? NO!!!

Point being....I wouldn't linger over it, yet. Your mind and body change so much in such a short time, that you could sit here saying that you will not adopt today, and in a year, you'll change your mind.

I couldn't imagine my life without my children...seeing them grow up, and have their own. And, if I couldn't conceive, without a doubt...I would've adopted.
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