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Old 12-26-2010, 01:17 PM
Location: Tennessee
16,225 posts, read 22,611,053 times
Reputation: 24023


My 12 yr. old son has a full blooded brother out there.
His adoption was an open adoption, until the Birthmom decided to stop contact, after she gave birth after placing him.
We have told him that he is adopted and told him that he has a half sister out there, but never told him about the brother.
We were looking at old pics today, and we saw the pic that the Birthmom sent me of the brother, which is a yr. and a half younger than he is.
We both (husband and I) were curious and looked up the Birthmom on facebook. We was hoping to find some pics of the brother, but all it showed was her and herself.
I have never told my son about his brother because I`m afraid he will say..."Why did she give me away, and keep him?"
Tell me CD friends...when is the right time to tell him. He needs to know, but....
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Old 12-26-2010, 01:35 PM
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,485 posts, read 43,795,280 times
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I am the Mom of three adopted girls from Asia. We know very little about birth family but it seems reasonable to assume they all 3 have full blooded siblings. I have never even mentioned it. Of course the chance of them ever running into them is nill.

Still I wonder why you think this boy needs to know he has full blooded sibling? Are you hoping they will have a relationship? Do they live close to each other? Are you hoping the birthmother will want back into his life?

You don't even know if this boy is still with his mother do you? I just kinda feel at the very vulnerable age of 12 it could do alot of damage for him to know because of the very fear you have. How could you explain such a thing to him. If you think he must know then I wouldn't tell him until he has the maturity to understand unplanned pregnancy , birth control and adoption in general.

I have told my girls their mothers made adoption plans for them because it was the best thing for every body involved. And that is was before they were even somebody they knew. So it was not the little girl we know now who was placed for adoption but a tiny baby who represented another mouth to feed when times were very tough.

good luck.
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Old 12-26-2010, 01:41 PM
25,630 posts, read 30,448,242 times
Reputation: 23112
Wow what a whopper of a life issue. I think it all depends on the type of relationship you have with your son and if he is mature enough mentally and emotionally to deal with this type of news. I would seek council from a professional that has experience dealing with adoption related issues such as this. I have two uncles and one aunt that were adopted by my Grandparents. They wait until all the kids were 18 and gave them full disclosure of their previous families. One uncle reunited with his birth family and everything between families is fantastic. One uncle made no effort to track down his blood relatives. My aunt made contact with her birth mother and nothing worked out.

It's all up to you but I would wait until your son is at least 18 or really starts asking for the information. Then you can have a great conversation on what some of the outcomes might be and how that might affect him mentally and emotionally.

However it works out it sounds like you are great people and parents no matter what.

Definitely harder than stopping the smoking habit!

Good luck.
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Old 12-26-2010, 01:47 PM
Location: Tennessee
16,225 posts, read 22,611,053 times
Reputation: 24023
With the internet, facebook, etc..this is the time of yr. I fear when I or even he will get a call, email, text..from his sister, who is 19 now.
I always figured she would try to reach out to him when she got of age.
His birthday is coming up, along with Christmas, and its just a vunerable time for them, or at least in my thoughts, it would be?
We were curious, and secretly looked them up on facebook to find a pic of his brother, but found his birthmom, and sister, instead.
I always figured it would be easier to be upfront with him about the past, etc..versus` waiting until one day he comes to me and says.."Mom? Why didn`t you tell me?"

Last edited by yankeegirl313; 12-26-2010 at 03:57 PM..
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Old 12-26-2010, 02:02 PM
25,630 posts, read 30,448,242 times
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Tough stuff but you sound like you have the life skills to handle it. I would definitely ensure your sons self esteem is at a high level when you decide to deal him this card. Don't second guess your self once you make the decision one way or the other. This is not a black and white decision. Their is no manual to deal with the intricacies of your relationship with him and what will be his reaction. However it goes don't beat yourself up. You are great people for sharing your life with him and giving him the stable life all children deserve.
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Old 12-26-2010, 02:36 PM
Location: maryland
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I don't see why he needs to even know...you are his family not them.
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Old 12-26-2010, 03:10 PM
852 posts, read 1,173,354 times
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I'd suggest that you talk to a family counselor about it. This situation sounds like one that might need some professional insight. Social media does change things, and you're right. You never know if his sibling might come looking for him.
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Old 12-26-2010, 05:36 PM
2,060 posts, read 5,067,552 times
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My parents gave up their first child. She found out that they stayed together and had 5 more kids when she started looking for them and she said it was quite heartbreaking and confusing (we're 'reunited' now).

I imagine there is a good chance your son is going to find out eventually, is there any way you can find out any more information to give him? Things may not be as they seem, especially going by what you saw on Facebook.
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Old 12-26-2010, 06:18 PM
Location: NYC/Orlando
1,969 posts, read 3,581,604 times
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I don't know if this helps, but my best friend was adopted and knows that he has two (or three?) biological brothers. He was the youngest and put up for adoption because the father didn't want another kid, I believe. My friend has known about this for years (he's 20), and is fine with it. I know it's caused him a little bit of pain.. the "Why me?" sort of thing. But overall, it hasn't affected him badly.
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Old 12-26-2010, 07:38 PM
32,532 posts, read 30,676,091 times
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Personally, I'd tell him ASAP. In today's world he could be at some buddy's house, they could spend 45 minutes on the computer and voila! Your son discovers he has a brother. Then two things could happen: 1) He comes home and grills you and you are floundering for words because he caught you before you were ready or 2) He never says a word but starts "acting out" because his whole world has changed and he doesn't know how to process it.

I'd sit him down and tell him. And answer every question he has as honestly as possible.
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