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Old 05-22-2011, 04:18 PM
 
Location: Geneva, IL
12,975 posts, read 11,515,992 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LeavingMassachusetts View Post
The fact that you even refer to her as your "adopted cousin" not just just your "cousin" speaks volumes.
I noticed that. Yuk!
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Old 05-22-2011, 04:34 PM
 
1,302 posts, read 1,499,917 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zimbochick View Post
I noticed that. Yuk!
And she really wonders why an adopted kids pulls out the "I was picked card"
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Old 05-22-2011, 07:31 PM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,090 posts, read 13,852,059 times
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Jasper, I made no personal attack and I'm sorry you misinterpreted my words. You DID jump on the OP when you told her to MYOB which she had already clearly stated she intended to continue to do. She did not hneed to be told to MYOB.

I am sorry you were hurt as a child by your cousin (adopted or bio is irrelevant).
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Old 05-22-2011, 07:36 PM
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
83,490 posts, read 96,490,687 times
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From the OP:

Quote:
When I first met this woman I casually asked what adoption agency they used. This is a common topic among international adoption parents. She kind of whispered "We haven't told Baby X about that yet." She was 3 at the time. Ok i didn't say anything further.

Baby X is now starting kindergarten in the fall. In a phone conversation recently I asked "How is the adoption talk going?" She told me "We decided there just hasn't been a good time to tell her, what with her changing baby sitters last year, her grandmother being sick bla bla bla."

I hope my voice didn't sound as shocked as I was but before I could catch myself I said "Surely she knows she doesn't look like everybody else in her family. You know kids talk in school and she's gonna have some questions real soon" .
So there was not one, but two conversations, the second of which was pretty pointed. It seems clear to me that the other mom does not want to address this issue. I think the second conversation was a tad on the intrusive side. If and when this mom brings it up with the OP, that's the time to talk to her about it. I certainly agree this talk should happen sooner rather than later, but it's not my decision nor the OP's to make.
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Old 05-22-2011, 07:56 PM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,360 posts, read 40,339,218 times
Reputation: 46645
Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post

I stated my personal experience as a child who spent time with an adopted child, maybe the OP needs to be mindful of telling her adopted kids that while they were "chosen" that is not better or worse than children whose Mothers have then naturally. That was a very painful personal experience I had as a child, that I shared. Don't negate that in your post.
WHOA----I never said I told my adopted children they were chosen. Nothing could be further from the truth. Some strangers a million miles away arbitrarily decided to match our children to us. We didn't have a thing to do with it.

Truth be told rarely is an adopted child "chosen". It really is the luck of the draw. And I have told our adopted children just that. That something called fate led us to be together, that we were all lucky and we should celebrate our differences and that there are many different ways to build or add to a family.
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Old 05-23-2011, 01:28 AM
 
Location: Australia
7,999 posts, read 2,652,735 times
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I agree with no kudzo and others who believe it's better to tell children they are adopted right from the start. However, it might just be that the other kindergarten kids may take a little time before they notice the adopted child is different from them and/or from her parents.

When my daughter started school, just before turning five, she had a classmate who had been adopted from Fiji, of Indian descent. She had extremely dark skin and a shock of black curly hair. I'll call her Jane. She was the only non-white child in my daughter's class - in fact at the time there were only two or three black children in the whole K-12 school.

Over the first week or so of school, Jane's mother (who was blonde and blue-eyed) and I had started to chat while we waited at the gate, so my daughter had seen Jane being greeted by her mum and heading off hand in hand.

One day, Jane's mother and I decided a weekend play-date might be in order, so on the way home in the car I tested the waters with my daughter, by asking her how she got along with Jane.

'Which one's Jane?'

Mindful of being PC, I replied, 'She's the girl with all the curly hair.'

'I don't know which one you mean Mummy.'

Okay, PC-ness out the window. 'Jane's the girl with black skin.'

'I haven't seen any girls with black skin, Mummy.'

'She's the girl whose Mummy I've been chatting to at the gate.'

'Oh HER!!! Yes, I really like her, I sit next to her! She's my best friend!'

Fifteen minutes later, nearly home, and she pipes up, 'Has Jane really got black skin, Mummy?'.


Last edited by Kobber; 05-23-2011 at 02:25 AM..
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Old 05-23-2011, 06:04 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,360 posts, read 40,339,218 times
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Yes little kids usually are color blind but by being in school, she will be exposed to so many more children and their families. Adults sometimes assume things and make innocent remarks which will let the child know something is "different". Besides being an adoptive Mom, I have another reason for being sensitive about this.

Years ago I lived next door to a teenager who got pregnant, got married and shortly after the baby was born got divorced. When her little daughter was about 2 she remarried and moved away.

Skip about 13 years ahead. I was visiting the old neighborhood and saw this child , now a young lady. Alot of family was around - it was the holidays- and I casually said "Oh you have turned into such a beautiful young lady. I remember playing with you when you were a baby before your Mom married Mr. X and you moved away."

The most innocent statement ever but suddenly the room went dead until the grandmother jumped up and said "Oh come in the other room I want to show you some old photos."

I found out the couple never told the girl her father was her step father who adopted her. Here she was 16 years old finding out from a complete stranger she was adopted. I understand this caused her to not trust her parents and a lot of other grief.

Obviously I never knew she didn't know.
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Old 05-23-2011, 11:10 AM
Status: "I miss Rod Serling" (set 19 days ago)
 
48,509 posts, read 48,253,142 times
Reputation: 55148
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
Yes little kids usually are color blind but by being in school, she will be exposed to so many more children and their families. Adults sometimes assume things and make innocent remarks which will let the child know something is "different". Besides being an adoptive Mom, I have another reason for being sensitive about this.

Years ago I lived next door to a teenager who got pregnant, got married and shortly after the baby was born got divorced. When her little daughter was about 2 she remarried and moved away.

Skip about 13 years ahead. I was visiting the old neighborhood and saw this child , now a young lady. Alot of family was around - it was the holidays- and I casually said "Oh you have turned into such a beautiful young lady. I remember playing with you when you were a baby before your Mom married Mr. X and you moved away."

The most innocent statement ever but suddenly the room went dead until the grandmother jumped up and said "Oh come in the other room I want to show you some old photos."

I found out the couple never told the girl her father was her step father who adopted her. Here she was 16 years old finding out from a complete stranger she was adopted. I understand this caused her to not trust her parents and a lot of other grief.

Obviously I never knew she didn't know.
Awkward! I did something similar once. I became friends with a woman who had a teenaged daughter she'd given birth to when she was 16 in a home for unwed mothers. My friend briefly lived with the father after the daughter's birth, but he had a drug habit and brought a gun home to mug people with so she'd left him when the girl was an infant.

Meanwhile, my sister had also had a daughter as a teenager and raised her alone. I was chatting with my friend's daughter one day and mentioned my sister and somewhere along the line I said, "My sister raised her daughter alone like your mother did. She never married her child's father either." The girl said to me, "Oh my parents were married. They got divorced when I was a baby." I realized then that this girl hadn't been told the truth, and I'd better keep my mouth shut. Later on I remember her asking her mother to show her the hospital in New York where she'd been born, and her mother stuttering for a minute before finally saying it had been closed.
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Old 05-23-2011, 11:33 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,360 posts, read 40,339,218 times
Reputation: 46645
sad story. that girl will find out sometime and will be devastated. not by the fact she was born out of wedlock but because she had been lied to.
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Old 05-23-2011, 11:56 AM
 
Location: Geneva, IL
12,975 posts, read 11,515,992 times
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It is true that kids don't really notice the physical characteristics of other kids, but I think they notice in themselves. My kids are biracial, and they do comment on their features, and compare them to the other kids, and to mine and my DH. To assume they are not going to notice is a bit naive.
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