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Old 08-29-2007, 12:01 AM
 
16,487 posts, read 21,035,057 times
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Agencies vary so much in how they do things. Some actually require that you meet the birthmom before a match can happen. Most however do not do that, and if anything, you speak by phone once or twice. A "match" is when both the birthmom and you and your husband agree to an adoption plan and that she chooses you to adopt her baby. As you probably know, any birthmother in any state can change her mind at anytime between the match and the time the baby is born and the birthmom signs termination of parental rights and they are irrevokable. She can be matched with you for many months, have the baby and change her mind, match or no match. The bottom line is the baby is hers, even if you have provided total financial support for 9 mos. until she has signed termination of rights paperwork and it is irrevokable (which vaies from state to state as to how long that is, and it goes by the laws in the birthmother's state). It is true that having a relationship with the birthmother during her pregnancy is really nice because you can both get to know each other and if you live close to her you could even go to appointments with her at the doctor if she is ok with that. It gives you both time to have a real relationship grow. Most agencies however will not allow you to really develop much of a relationship before there needs to either be a match or not be a match. They can't and won't risk you developing a relationship with her and then her not want anyone but you, and possibly leaving their agency. Usually you are not even given any identifying info such as her phone number, address etc. That is one of the things good about private adoption (which is what we had), where you find your own birthmother. You can develop whatever kind of relationship you want without the restrictions and rules that all agencies have.
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Old 08-29-2007, 12:50 PM
 
Location: gilbert az "move me to Boise"
341 posts, read 1,539,766 times
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In regards to Brokencrayola comment that medical records are not available in closed adoptions - they are in fact available and and both birthparents have to fill out a complete family history questionaire going back a couple of generations - they also furnish the birth parents recent medical information, education, family education , family health issues - even relationship issues with their parents.etc
We were a closed private adoption - however the state does still get involved and an agency - in our case it was the Catholic SOcial Services - and all of this information and the birth parents had to sign off.
Make sure anyone going through an adoption you use legal assistance -
As for history of drugs, alcohol - we would all like the world to be perfect and we want our children to be perfect and healthy - but we can not call that - even if we give birth to the children - you are being a blessed person to adopt a child to enrich your life; to enrich their life - there are no guarantees - even if you carry the child -
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Old 08-29-2007, 04:55 PM
 
16,487 posts, read 21,035,057 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LVGAZ View Post
In regards to Brokencrayola comment that medical records are not available in closed adoptions - they are in fact available and and both birthparents have to fill out a complete family history questionaire going back a couple of generations - they also furnish the birth parents recent medical information, education, family education , family health issues - even relationship issues with their parents.etc
We were a closed private adoption - however the state does still get involved and an agency - in our case it was the Catholic SOcial Services - and all of this information and the birth parents had to sign off.
Make sure anyone going through an adoption you use legal assistance -
As for history of drugs, alcohol - we would all like the world to be perfect and we want our children to be perfect and healthy - but we can not call that - even if we give birth to the children - you are being a blessed person to adopt a child to enrich your life; to enrich their life - there are no guarantees - even if you carry the child -
I didn't say medical records were not available in closed adoptions period. I said not ALL agencies, and many facilitators do not provide that information and in international adoption there simply isn't always information like that as many of these children were abandoned as newborns or babies. Obviously in a closed adoption you are not going to find out anymore than what you do get during your match and after paperwork is signed as there is no contact. I will give you an example. Our daughter last year had an ear infection and was on antibiotics. She finished the medicine and I noticed her scratching all over one night. The next morning she had whelts all over her from head to toe. I rushed her to the doctor and guess what? She is allergic to Penecillin. News to me. I called her birthmom and she said, oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, I and my son are also allergic. Would have been good news to know before she got the ear infection! If it had been a closed adoption I would have known nothing before or after the incident. I then found out some more things to watch out for as far as allergies with her. Also, even when medical and other history is provided it is not always accurate, complete or truthful. Many birthmother's simply do not know who the birthfather is or know him on such a casual level that they guess at the info they provide. Again, they are always not completely complete or occasionally truthful with any info they provide. The bottom line is adoption is a wonderful thing, but as many things in life, it has its risks.
As far as drugs and/or alcohol and its affects on the baby or babies/children with attachment disorders etc., that is not a question anyone can just answer. How much a baby is affected by any drugs and/or alcohol depends on what drugs, how often it was used, time of pregnancy used etc. With alcohol it is very similar, except the affects of alcohol on a unborn baby in general are more serious than with drugs. Also each child is affected differently and to different degrees. Consult a pediatrician if you know your birthmother is using and inquire. Many times the affects do not show up until the child is older, so you do not always know at birth. Attachment disorders tend to be seen more with older adopted children, like from the fostercare system or children adopted overseas that have been in orphanages.
I know for people that do not know much about adoption this can all scare them. One thing to keep in mind is you can have a baby biologically and it can be born with problems or you find problems later. We are a perfect example of that. We have 3 biological sons and all 3 have Asperger's Syndrome (which is a higher level functioning for of Autism). There is no family history, and I used zero drugs or alcohol during my pregnancies. You just never know in life...
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Old 08-29-2007, 05:30 PM
 
Location: gilbert az "move me to Boise"
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You are a good person to have all these children brokencrayola - he has bigger plans for you - for not everyone is that blessed
have fun with your children and enjoy them everyday.....
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Old 08-29-2007, 05:57 PM
 
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Thank you both for the information.
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Old 09-04-2007, 05:04 AM
 
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Oh what an interesting question. Especially since we just came back from a visit overseas to meet my husbands birth family for the first time. We just came back yesterday. After 44 years he was finally able to meet his bio mum, his sister and brother and also his nieces. We spent a week with them.

It was a fanstastic week. Everyone was so happy, laughing so much, so nervous, so emotional.
He was adopted in Ireland in 1963 and found his bio mum after a 7 year search this year. Is he appy ; he is thrilled. It was a totally closed adoption which all were at that time. But the meeting opened up so many questions.

If you need/want any more info or just opinions, let me know
d
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Old 02-14-2008, 12:44 AM
 
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Default Been there. Now here.

I was an adoptee of a closed adoption. 32 years later found my birth family. I have never spoken with my birth mother however, my sister and I chat via email weekly.
My soon to be adoptive daughters have a 1/2 sister and paternal grandma that want contact. Their parents are not safe to be with so it is unlikely they will have contact with them - other than letters through a PO Box.
I would NEVER ever suggest a closed adoption. UGH what a struggle I went through growing up.
I wrote all about it at [url=http://www.adoptive-parenting.com]Adoptive Parenting the Joy of being a Family with your Adopted Infant or Child[/url]
growing up adopted and foster adopt have both sides of my story.
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Old 02-14-2008, 09:32 PM
 
16,487 posts, read 21,035,057 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mommyto4princesses View Post
I was an adoptee of a closed adoption. 32 years later found my birth family. I have never spoken with my birth mother however, my sister and I chat via email weekly.
My soon to be adoptive daughters have a 1/2 sister and paternal grandma that want contact. Their parents are not safe to be with so it is unlikely they will have contact with them - other than letters through a PO Box.
I would NEVER ever suggest a closed adoption. UGH what a struggle I went through growing up.
I wrote all about it at Adoptive Parenting the Joy of being a Family with your Adopted Infant or Child
growing up adopted and foster adopt have both sides of my story.
I agree that closed adoptions are not healthy. Many years ago it was just about always the case that the adoption was closed. Most of the time the adoptive parents didn't even have any info about the birthparents. Now days there is no need for this. I have a friend whose husband forced her to place her 3rd child (they seperated and she got pregnant around the same time and he swore it was not his baby). I listened to her cry and lament about this for many years. I decided when this child turned 18 I was going to try to find her. It took me 2 yrs. of searching but I found her when she was 20 and they reunited and it was a great reunion.
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Old 02-14-2008, 11:40 PM
 
Location: Camberville
11,988 posts, read 16,722,280 times
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Open adoptions can be just as unhealthy. It really 100% depends on the child. My best friend was adopted through a closed adoption and is very thankful for it- she wants nothing to do with her birth parents. She has many medical issues but the way she sees in- it would happen regardless of whether she knew her medical history or not and at least it can be taken care of.

I have have several other friends who were adopted through open adoptions. One has a great relationship with his birth mother. The other two wish they had closed adoptions. One of these was adopted by her grandmother and so her birth mother was always in the picture and she grew up very resentful of both her bio mother and her adopted mother. The other has no interest in his birth family but they do not respect his wishes and send him emails, cards, etc.

So I disagree that open adoptions are always better. However, sadly, you cannot tell how the child will feel when he or she grows up. When I adopt, it would ONLY be a closed adoption.
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Old 02-15-2008, 08:53 AM
 
3,646 posts, read 9,606,114 times
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I am a birthmom. I am so tired of the "past abortions, drugs and/or alcohol during the pregnancy, previous arrests or jail time" comments from very ignorant people. I was a young girl with no family support who didn't want to raise a child on welfare. Why is it acceptable to question a birthmom's honesty and character? If I didn't have a one night stand... you would not have a child to adopt! Why would abortion even come up? A birthmom goes through 9 months of pregnancy and then labor (26 hours!) and you accuse her of being an abortionist? Sick.

Okay, off my soapbox... I have a semi-open adoption. I get pictures from time to time, though not regularly. (Once a year for awhile, now we're about every 3 years or so) I don't think an open adoption would help a child or the birthmom. I wonder about my child almost daily, even after 15 1/2 years, but I still prefer things this way - for HER sake. Of course, I'm really hoping she'll want to meet me in 2 1/2 years and that her parents are secure enough to let that happen. My kids know about her. If I were contacted for information, I would hand it over right away without conditions. But like so many things, I'm sure there are some who would not respond or would place conditions on the exchange.

Good luck to you. I hope you have a peaceful and simple adoption.

(Read JinLA's last response and have to say more!)

Giving my child up for adoption when I was young did give me a chance to grow up and become a better mom... why does that threaten you? Are you the same person you were when you were a teenager? I do hear that many adoptive parents are afraid their child will want to go back to their "birth family" exclusively after they turn 18... that would depend on how the child was raised. I may have given her life, but other than choosing the adoptive parents, I have not had a hand in her character development - her character (or lack thereof) is on THEM!
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