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Originally Posted by brokencrayola
I think children need to know they are adopted at a relatively young age, not in the 20's. That doesn't mean that all adoption should be really open. Like everywhere in life there are people that are toxic. If a birthmother or birthfather makes life more difficult for the adopted child or that family then it shouldn't happen. Only the adoptive parents and child (if old enough) can judge whether an truly open adoption will work for them. In our case I speak with my daughter's birthmother by phone a couple of times a year and send photos 2-3 times a year plus we email now and then. I have no contact with the birthfather at all. I am comfortable with this situation, but there could be circumstances in the future that I may not feel that way. If there was drug/alcohol abuse, or I felt threatened in any way I would not want any contact.
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Telling a child they're adopted doesn't mean having to expose them to toxic people. My parents told me from day 1 that I was adopted. They also told me from day 1 that they love just as much as if I were biological. I am glad for their openness and honesty. I would have been really angry at them if I had found out just now, at 22, that I'm adopted. Not because there's anything wrong with being adopted--but because they would have lied to me and added all kinds of stigma and shame to adoption. I don't think there is any shame in adoption--in fact I think it's something people should be proud of. So I don't understand the need to keep that a secret. As long as you are clear with your child that you love them just as much as you would a biological child, then there is no reason to keep that from them, IMO.
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I do think there are many ignorant people out there that assume when they hear a child is adopted that they were not loved or wanted by their birthmother and that is not necessarily the truth. They also assume it was a one-night stand or she was a drug dealer or user etc. Each situation is different. I have heard of very intelligent healthy and clean young girls that place because they want to finish college and had an unplanned pregnancy. There is a lot of ignorance regarding adoption. I have had a few people make comments like "I could NEVER give my baby up for adoption". Well ok fine, but if there were not women out there that did (for whatever reason) then people like myself would not have our child/children.
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I believe my birthmother gave me up
because she loved me and she wanted better for me than she could give.
I also think this is one of those things where you can't ever know what you would do till it happens to you. It's easy to
say you would never have an abortion, or never give your child up for adoption, or never put your child in the foster care system, etc., but it actually
happening to you is completely different. I reserve my judgment because I don't know what it's like to be in that situation. It's not my place to judge or preach, and I do believe that birthmothers sincerely try to make what they feel is the best decision, no matter what that decision.
It's a very hard decision to make--it seems like no matter what decision a birthmother comes up with, someone else is going to find a problem with it. If she keeps the baby: "You're not ready to be a mother!" If she aborts a pregnancy: "You're a murderer!" If she gives the baby up for adoption: "You didn't love the baby enough!" Etc. Really, all of those are judgments that can only be flung around by someone who inherently doesn't know what it feels like to be in that situation. Birthmothers are human beings, just like anyone else, put into a really tough situation. We all have to make decisions sometimes that we wish we didn't have to make, but it's a part of life, and none of us has the right to judge others for the decisions they make. We can only judge ourselves, because there will always be parts of the story we are missing when it comes to other people, that will make our judgments inaccurate and unfair. I truly believe that with other people, the only thing we can do is offer compassion and be grateful that we don't have make such a tough decision.
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