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Old 08-30-2007, 09:27 PM
 
73 posts, read 293,272 times
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My husband and I will not be able to have biological children on our own without the help of IVF. Wondering if anyone has been faced with this, and if it was of primary importantance to have a biological child (say rather than having a child through adoption)?

Friends have said to me that "You should do whatever it takes", (meaning fertility treatments), but my husband and I just aren't so sure. We've been on the fence with this information that we won't be able to conceive on our own and feel like that means we either adopt or don't have children... (childfree). The whole thing has made us question if we even want children. This makes me feel some sort of guilt , like, if I wanted a child, shouldn't I just know that??? Shouldn't that be definitive? The fertility issue has raised doubts and I wonder if anyone else has had this experience and doubts about where to go from here?

We have been exploring adoption over the past year and a half, and right now it comes down to getting our finances in order, but the longer we wait, the more I question.... Anyone?
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Old 08-30-2007, 10:38 PM
 
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Well we did not face the same thing you are. We had 3 bio children, 4 lost pregnancies and adopted 1 daughter. I have worked in adoption and most couples obviously (but not always) adopt because of infertility. I did suffer from infertility starting about 5 years before we adopted. I took Clomid, didn't work. My point really is that I have seen many couples that have no children and are infertile, making the same decision you are. Some chose to try the fertility treatment route. Some got pregnant, many did not. Some said they didn't want to spend all their money doing infertility treatments with no guarantee's of a baby. As I am sure you know infertility treatment, especially IVF is VERY expensive. You can easily spend what it would cost to adopt doing IVF. I think it is a very personal choice. If you feel having a biological child is more important to you than just being a parent that is one consideration. Then there is money. Can you afford to go on and still adopt (if you even want to) if the IVF doesn't work? Can you handle going through IVF physically and can you emotionally handle it if it doesn't work or if you get pregnant without a good outcome? Then there is the choice, are you ready to parent now or maybe at all? A lot to think about...
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Old 08-30-2007, 10:49 PM
 
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Exactly. I read your responses to my adoption post the other day, so you kind of know that my hubby and I have been exploring that. (Thanks for all the info). It's just, I wonder if we have really dealt with the infertility --and the loss. Both of us, I think for the most part, feel that to go through the IVF without a guarantee of a baby --not to mention all the risks involved (multiples, miscarriage0, isn't the right choice. We aren't made of money, and to spend in upwards of $15K on something without guarantee and then the emotional stress of the process... well, it just seems that spending the money on adoption makes more sense. I think we've decided we'll either adopt or be child free, but I think lately, I've been having more and more doubts about whether or not we want to even have children. Before the fertility became an issue, it wasn't an issue. I wanted kids. Or at least I thought so. Now... well it's a different story.
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Old 08-31-2007, 01:53 PM
 
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I did. Because of religious reasons, IVF was not an option to us. Sorry, I just don't believe in it. It costs so much, (isn't it like $15,00 per TRY)
It is not guaranteed to work, physically demanding, and there are so many unwanted children to be adopted out there (mostly from foreign countries though).
Fortunately after several years of trying with regular infertility pills, we conceived.
Many companies give you $$ towards your adoption fees should you go that route. Check that out.
A childless couple I know are into the whole dog show scene. Those doggies are their babies. You can always be a "spoil them rotten" aunt/uncle to nieces and nephews too. My unmarried sister is.
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Old 08-31-2007, 03:20 PM
 
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I have a book recommendation for you: "Adopting after Infertility" by Pat Johnston. The first few chapters discuss the infertility losses and it will help you determine if you and your spouse are ready to put closure to these losses and pursue adoption or remain childfree. I highly recommend reading it.
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Old 08-31-2007, 06:20 PM
 
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I agree. It's a very personal decision whether or not to have children, or pursue adoption or IVF treatments. And there is A LOT to consider. So first, take as much time as you need. You didn't mention your age. If you're relatively young (late twenties/early thirties), you have time to try the 'childfree' lifestyle and mentality. In two, three or four years, you may gradually change your mind and know in your heart you want to raise a child.

Another thought, since you've somewhat decided not to pursue IVF and have bio children, perhaps the feelings of not wanting children at all is because you won't be having your own biological children? Just a thought....

Go to the bookstores and browse all the infertility/adoption/childfree. That's helped me in the past.

BTW, we did three IVF treatments. On the 3rd, we said it would be our last and we would adopt if we didn't get pregnant. I did get pregnant that last time. That was 10 years ago. IVF technology has improved a lot since then. You can save extra embryos from the first procedure and have them implanted when you're ready to try for baby #2. It's not as expensive and less emotional upheaval. Having said that, I knew a couple still in their twenties that didn't want to go the fertility drug route first, but went straight for adoption.

Best wishes in your decision.
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Old 08-31-2007, 07:13 PM
 
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I just have a queasy feeling about the IVF. If the child came with any sort of handicap or deficiency, I would always wonder if it was my fault because of the treatment. That's the way my mind works.

I had babies, but I know that if I didn't, we would still have a good marriage. Getting pregnant isn't all that big deal in my humble opinion.

If you have any doubts, don't do it. Adopt, if you want to raise children.
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Old 08-31-2007, 08:19 PM
 
Location: Hillsborough
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We dealt with infertility. We had a plan that if we didn't get pregnant by a certain deadline, we would adopt. We knew that child-free was not an option for us. We would go as far as IUI, but not IVF because we wanted to use our money for the "sure thing" if it came to that. We ended up getting pregnant after 2 years of TTC just the old-fashioned way. The doc had said we had about a 5% chance every month, and it took 23 months, so we figured we were due by then!
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Old 08-31-2007, 10:50 PM
 
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Another option not brought up here is surrogacy. That is choosing a fertile surrogate to be artifically inseminated with your husband's sperm (assuming his sperm count is fine). She carries the baby and since the baby is biologically your husband's it makes the legal adoption paperwork on your end less complicated than a regular adoption. Just make sure you use an attorney from the beginning, choose an experienced surrogate and have legal paperwork drawn up at the beginning to protect both parties. Some people have friends or family members that volunteer but there are also women who do surrogacy as a way to make extra money. There are websites such as surromomsonline.com that have surrogates that advertise there.
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Old 09-01-2007, 11:23 AM
 
73 posts, read 293,272 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gardener34 View Post
I did. Because of religious reasons, IVF was not an option to us. Sorry, I just don't believe in it. It costs so much, (isn't it like $15,00 per TRY)
It is not guaranteed to work, physically demanding, and there are so many unwanted children to be adopted out there (mostly from foreign countries though).
Fortunately after several years of trying with regular infertility pills, we conceived.
Many companies give you $$ towards your adoption fees should you go that route. Check that out.
A childless couple I know are into the whole dog show scene. Those doggies are their babies. You can always be a "spoil them rotten" aunt/uncle to nieces and nephews too. My unmarried sister is.
Yes, see, even though for us it's not a religious reason, I agree with much of what you are saying about the IVF, the cost, the lack of guarantees, the emotional strain... and there are so many babies that do need homes! Thank you for your response.
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