Open Adoptions now the norm (African American, cost, baby, birth)

[ohiogirl22]

Originally Posted by Butterfly4u

I personally feel that open adoptions are the way to go.
Children aren't stupid, they know who loves them and takes
care of them in their life.
Love should be freely given, and if you love someone
you want the best for them, even if it's not what you want.
It's not about what the parents want, it never is.
It's all about what the child wants and what it best for them.
Just a note, you can NEVER cut the embilical cord.
Just a note for all you adopted moms and dads.
Trust me, the biological parents will always be a part of
your adopted child. Your adopted child IS THEM.
When a closed adoption happens, the whole life of that child
could be ideal, but in the back of their minds they know
that their biological mother gave them away to strangers.
Even if they don't express it to you, they still know that.
That always makes them feel "less then", because after all,
if your mother didn't want you, who really will?
This is never spoken from an adopted childs mouth.
That is why I really feel that open adoptions are a good
alternative for the CHILD'S Sake.

My best friend in high school was adopted and I once asked her if she ever wanted to meet her birth mother. She told me she would never care to meet her. Her mother was 16 when she had her and she spent a little bit of time at the orphanage before she was placed. She has no anger or resentment about being adopted, she just doesn't care about her birth mom. It's almost an indifference.

Are you by any chance adopted and resentful?

[no kudzu]

We too tried with the "culture of origin" awareness and it was a complete wash. We had Korean flags, dolls, clothes, books, all that stuff but in the end she asked us to remove it all before she started having friends over. Absolutely no interest at all. She was after all a typical American kid who happened to look Asian.

When she was in college and walking with a friend on campus ,an Asian boy came up to her and gave her a flyer about Asian Social on campus. Daughter looked at the paper and said out loud "Wonder why he thought I would be interested in this?" Her friend said "Hello? Have you looked in the mirror lately?"

Daughter said "Oh, I completely forgot!"

Most adopted children from foreign lands are so americanized and have no desire for anything else.

[lkb0714]

Originally Posted by no kudzu

We too tried with the "culture of origin" awareness and it was a complete wash. We had Korean flags, dolls, clothes, books, all that stuff but in the end she asked us to remove it all before she started having friends over. Absolutely no interest at all. She was after all a typical American kid who happened to look Asian.

When she was in college and walking with a friend on campus ,an Asian boy came up to her and gave her a flyer about Asian Social on campus. Daughter looked at the paper and said out loud "Wonder why he thought I would be interested in this?" Her friend said "Hello? Have you looked in the mirror lately?"

Daughter said "Oh, I completely forgot!"

Most adopted children from foreign lands are so americanized and have no desire for anything else.

While I do not doubt your daughters experience I have to question the very last line.

That has REALLY not been my experience.

Most of my family is part Asian to one degree or another. It isn't something we work at but it is just part of all of us (and I am not even Asian though I did live there for a large chunk of my formative years). I know two adopted Asian girls (one Chinese and one Korean) who are close friends with my sister (who is half Asian). Both were entranced by the "asian-ness" of our family.

One, Gina, expressed that she did not feel like a "real" Asian American. The other actually called herself a twinkie. Obviously all the kids are american, but exploring the Asian only ADDS to ones sense of self, at least according to my part asian daughter.

Just some food for thought for some of the white people with relatives who are Asian American. There is a REAL DISTINCT difference between Asian and Asian American. Many adoptive parents do not understand that and try to push "asian-ness" on their children rather than teaching them about being an Asian American.

[ohiogirl22]

Originally Posted by no kudzu

We too tried with the "culture of origin" awareness and it was a complete wash. We had Korean flags, dolls, clothes, books, all that stuff but in the end she asked us to remove it all before she started having friends over. Absolutely no interest at all. She was after all a typical American kid who happened to look Asian.

When she was in college and walking with a friend on campus ,an Asian boy came up to her and gave her a flyer about Asian Social on campus. Daughter looked at the paper and said out loud "Wonder why he thought I would be interested in this?" Her friend said "Hello? Have you looked in the mirror lately?"

Daughter said "Oh, I completely forgot!"

Most adopted children from foreign lands are so americanized and have no desire for anything else.

I have friends from completely Asian families who are like this!

[no kudzu]

Originally Posted by lkb0714

While I do not doubt your daughters experience I have to question the very last line.

That has REALLY not been my experience.

Most of my family is part Asian to one degree or another. It isn't something we work at but it is just part of all of us (and I am not even Asian though I did live there for a large chunk of my formative years). I know two adopted Asian girls (one Chinese and one Korean) who are close friends with my sister (who is half Asian). Both were entranced by the "asian-ness" of our family.

One, Gina, expressed that she did not feel like a "real" Asian American. The other actually called herself a twinkie. Obviously all the kids are american, but exploring the Asian only ADDS to ones sense of self, at least according to my part asian daughter.

Just some food for thought for some of the white people with relatives who are Asian American. There is a REAL DISTINCT difference between Asian and Asian American. Many adoptive parents do not understand that and try to push "asian-ness" on their children rather than teaching them about being an Asian American.

I have talked to other adoptive parents at culture camps. Many will admit they are doing everything they can to give their kids a sense of the CULTURE they came from but if the culture they live in has nothing to do with the Asian culture it just doesn't take.

The basic information is great. I think everybody should learn about different cultures around the world but unless the kid has a daily experience with this culture it is just another academic experience. And how can I teach my daughters about being an Asian American? What do I know about it? If they want to travel or study language or become involved as young adults then I will definitely support them but they have no desire to identify as Asian.

One is 28 and the other 2 are 9.5 and 10. They all have many friends of every race under the sun. We moved to an area where there are many Asians in our community and in their schools. They fit in beautifully. Where we lived before (south of Atlanta) our family was stared at and questioned on a very personal level. Here we are just another family. Their race is definitely Asian but their culture is 100% American and they are very happy. Other Asian adoptees tell me similar stories.

[nana053]

My dil is Asian Indian, born in the US, but her Indian culture is something she has imbibed since childhood from her parents and other relatives. She is, of course, American. She was born here, has gone to school here, etc. Still she has a connection to India through her parents and other relatives and friends. She knows and loves the traditions.

Perhaps if you are not interested in the culture and don't know as much about it except on an academic level, the children lose interest too.

[sheena12]

Originally Posted by lkb0714

While I do not doubt your daughters experience I have to question the very last line.

That has REALLY not been my experience.

Most of my family is part Asian to one degree or another. It isn't something we work at but it is just part of all of us (and I am not even Asian though I did live there for a large chunk of my formative years). I know two adopted Asian girls (one Chinese and one Korean) who are close friends with my sister (who is half Asian). Both were entranced by the "asian-ness" of our family.

One, Gina, expressed that she did not feel like a "real" Asian American. The other actually called herself a twinkie. Obviously all the kids are american, but exploring the Asian only ADDS to ones sense of self, at least according to my part asian daughter.

Just some food for thought for some of the white people with relatives who are Asian American. There is a REAL DISTINCT difference between Asian and Asian American. Many adoptive parents do not understand that and try to push "asian-ness" on their children rather than teaching them about being an Asian American.

I GET that, My daughter is a Asian American who has been adopted by Caucasian parents.

Asian girls g to her school, but they are culturally Asian, first generation.
They are raised very differently, and she really does not have much in common with them.

[karen_in_nh_2012]

I know about adoption personally from a couple of angles. Years ago, I was planning to adopt (I never had a burning desire to give birth, but I did want to be a mom). I was told by agencies that it was very unlikely that I would be chosen by a U.S. birth mother because I was single. I understood that on some level (although just because a couple is married NOW doesn't mean they will stay married forever) and started looking internationally. Unfortunately, the rules kept changing and countries that I was interested in (Cambodia, Guatemala, Vietnam, China, India, some more I'm forgetting) kept closing or changing their rules (e.g., singles OK, then no singles, then 2 trips from 1, then the adoption credit went up so adoption prices went up accordingly, etc.) and other countries were insanely expensive. By the time I was in a financial position where I would never have to worry about money again (if I am smart about it), it was basically too late. I still have some regrets although life goes on (and many of the childfree-by-choice people I know are happier, at least most of the time, than are people I know with kids).

My second story is very different. My mom gave up a newborn for adoption because she already had 3 kids under the age of 5 (she was married when she had those 3 -- I am one of them -- but her husband/my father died when all of us were under 3). A couple of years after my dad died, my mom was in a relationship with a man who was going to marry her (so he said). He changed his mind after she got pregnant. This was in the 1960s and there were fewer options. There was no such thing as "open adoption."

The stunning thing about this for me was that I never knew I had a half-sister until about 5 years ago, when she found my mom and wrote her a letter. That was when my mom told the rest of us this story. Overall it has been an amazing journey, at least for me and my new half-sister (whom I just think of as "my sister") -- we are alike in so many ways and are very close. She actually was adopted by an amazing family and had a great life. Honestly, sometimes I am annoyed at my mom for never telling us about this other child (I am sad sometimes that we missed growing up together), but I try to understand from my mom's perspective back then (this was the 1960s and there was much more of a stigma about out-of-wedlock birth). So today's open adoptions DO allow for contact between/among half-siblings, which can be a good thing.

Overall I have very positive feelings about adoption, but the way it works in the U.S. I do find problematic sometimes. The letters that potential adoptive parents write to birth mothers are so incredibly obsequious. They all sound alike so it's clear that they need to be written that way, but they often make me sad.

[AnywhereElse]

Originally Posted by sheena12

She is not young. She is sixteen. I tried the whole culture camp thing, lessons in the language that her forebears spoke, books about the subject etc. and she is disinterested.

Some people are in general more involved with their ethnicity than others.
We are not that interested in our countries of origin. Some countries interest us more than others. We have been here a long time, so when I travel, I go where it is interests me.

I don't think that I owe it to her more than I do to biological children, since we are not that into it.

I have suggested a trip to her country of origin, and she said flatly that if we were going to spend all of that money, she would prefer to go to Australia!

So, your daughter grew up in American and she wants to be an American like all of her friends. Gosh, you didn't mention she is a normal American girl! In my adult life, I have known many Asians that have came here from Asia and they were living as minorities where I was and they wanted to be "American". This is their country. I believe you cannot force the children to want to connect to the country where they were born and we all know that trying to force children to do things generally leads to rebellion anyway. You are just doing fine with this and if the children get interest in their country of origin, I am betting you would bend over backwards to help them in any way you could. I thought we all went through a period eventually of asking ourselves who we really are even when we are a birth child and that is the time we do whatever searching needs to be done.

[lkb0714]

Originally Posted by no kudzu

I have talked to other adoptive parents at culture camps. Many will admit they are doing everything they can to give their kids a sense of the CULTURE they came from but if the culture they live in has nothing to do with the Asian culture it just doesn't take.

The basic information is great. I think everybody should learn about different cultures around the world but unless the kid has a daily experience with this culture it is just another academic experience. And how can I teach my daughters about being an Asian American? What do I know about it? If they want to travel or study language or become involved as young adults then I will definitely support them but they have no desire to identify as Asian.

One is 28 and the other 2 are 9.5 and 10. They all have many friends of every race under the sun. We moved to an area where there are many Asians in our community and in their schools. They fit in beautifully. Where we lived before (south of Atlanta) our family was stared at and questioned on a very personal level. Here we are just another family. Their race is definitely Asian but their culture is 100% American and they are very happy. Other Asian adoptees tell me similar stories.

Stories from parents and those from adult adoptees quite another.

There is lots of research available about this specific issue and how it actually effects a majority of AA adoptees but I will readily admit most AA don't really have issues with this until they get to college. I am sincerely glad your daughter is the exception.

As for teaching AA vs just Asian I can send you a dm if you like. Because your daughters ARE Asian Americans no matter how they "identify".

The last thing I am going to say is most likely the most controversial. Asian American culture IS American. But as most AA even recognize when the vast majority of people say "American culture" they mean "WHITE culture". Being an honorary white is not something most second gen AA aspire too.

I do understand the colorblind approach to parenting a child of a different race. It comes from a place of love and acceptance but having seen and participated in both it and re acknowledgement approach. I know firsthand( as well as have read the research) that the acknowledgment approach may help children be non white adults in this society more.