Open Adoptions now the norm (infant, birth mother, parents, orphanage)

[jasper12]

The problem with open adoption, is that many birth Mothers are not very mature. I have seen it both ways..and think it is easier on the birth Mother to move forward with her life. Open adoption just keeps pouring alcohol on an open cut, and rubbing salt in it.

[hml1976]

So we adopted internationally too. I don't have a problem really with open adoption but the cases I know haven't usually worked out all that well. In two families I know the open adoption started off well enough but then the birth mother "got on" with her life and dropped all contact, another couple I know and the birth mother is currently in prison for dealing drugs. In my husband's case contact with his birth father made him uncomfortable as he got older...in our 30s now we try to avoid him.

If my kids want to trudge through the steppe in Central Asia to find their birth mothers I'm all for it, once they're 18. We even have a name and address for one of our children's birth mother's and I'm happy to let him have contact with her when he's an adult if he wants to. Our daughter's story is a sadder one and there isn't any information to give her but we speak in a positive light about their birth families, my kids are healthy and part of that came from their birth mothers taking care of themselves during pregnancy and for that I'm especially grateful.

[nimchimpsky]

My adoption was a closed one but my parents always said that when I feel old enough and ready, I can begin on the search for my birth mother. So when I was fifteen, we went and visited my orphanage and different places in Russia. I didn't find my mother but I have a photo of her in my wallet, and people tell me we look just alike! I am glad that my parents went by when I was emotionally ready and didn't put a specific number on when we would start the process. I have since sort of let it go but I would love to meet my birth mother someday (if she is still alive), just to tell her that she made the right choice and if she has any guilt, to not feel it anymore because I know she put me up for adoption out of love and cause she wanted better for me than she could give. I want to let her know I am so happy with the life I have now and am hoping her circumstances are better than they were at the time she gave me up.

[Lucidkitty]

Originally Posted by jasper12

The problem with open adoption, is that many birth Mothers are not very mature. I have seen it both ways..and think it is easier on the birth Mother to move forward with her life. Open adoption just keeps pouring alcohol on an open cut, and rubbing salt in it.

I imagine it depends on the level of open. I've never encountered anyone who has actually done this, but i know a lot of the time the contact is limited to letters and photos. Open does not always mean you will have direct contact with the child i think.

[yankeegirl313]

Originally Posted by Lucidkitty

I imagine it depends on the level of open. I've never encountered anyone who has actually done this, but i know a lot of the time the contact is limited to letters and photos. Open does not always mean you will have direct contact with the child i think.

Exactly. We went through open adoption and it worked out well for us!! He just turned 13.

[no kudzu]

My young friend just adopted a baby a year ago and it was supposed to be open but the birth mother has had no contact with them since the day the child was born. My friend is unhappy about that as she was hoping there had been a level of trust established and she feels the child will suffer as a result. The baby turns 1 tomorrow and she is hoping the b mother contacts her. Some feel it is just as well but my friend is a physician and she feels it is not healthy for her child not to know anything about her family of origin.

On the other hand I have 3 adopted daughters and we know zilch about family health and I'm not sure anything would change if we did. So I guess it depends on your attitude.

[hml1976]

Originally Posted by Lucidkitty

I imagine it depends on the level of open. I've never encountered anyone who has actually done this, but i know a lot of the time the contact is limited to letters and photos. Open does not always mean you will have direct contact with the child i think.

You're absolutely right. I think many people hear open adoption and think visits at thanksgiving, which would be very unusual. But again my experience has been with the open adoptions I'm familiar with, that the birth mother is generally the one who doesn't keep up contact. Obviously this isn't always the case but I think it happens often.

[markg91359]

Let me give you all some idea what open adoption has meant for us.

When my son graduated from high school, he received presents from people including his birth grandmother.

Both my daughter's birthmother and birthfather communicate with us. We speak frequently on Face Book. Every year we send a Christmas Calendar with family pictures to both.

We have a relationship with my daughter's maternal birthgrandmother. She frequently sends birthday presents to both our children.

When my daughter turns thirteen, I am going to let her birthfather talk to her on the chat feature that exists on Face Book. I will, of course, supervise.

Maybe its not for everyone. I think our arrangement has worked very well for all the people involved. Birthparents may not want to be involved after they relinquish for adoption, but it is their choice to make.

[hml1976]

Originally Posted by markg91359

Let me give you all some idea what open adoption has meant for us.

When my son graduated from high school, he received presents from people including his birth grandmother.

Both my daughter's birthmother and birthfather communicate with us. We speak frequently on Face Book. Every year we send a Christmas Calendar with family pictures to both.

We have a relationship with my daughter's maternal birthgrandmother. She frequently sends birthday presents to both our children.

When my daughter turns thirteen, I am going to let her birthfather talk to her on the chat feature that exists on Face Book. I will, of course, supervise.

Maybe its not for everyone. I think our arrangement has worked very well for all the people involved. Birthparents may not want to be involved after they relinquish for adoption, but it is their choice to make.

I think it is so wonderful that you have a good relationship with your child's birth parents. In a perfect world I would love to have that for my kids as well. I guess my issue is with your last sentence because it turns the focus on to the birth parents and away from the child.

I know a couple whose child's birth mother was in their lives until she was about 7. Until then she would visit the family occasionally, send gifts etc. At 7 she disappeared completely and any contact they attempted was rebuffed (the child is now a teenager). Turns out she met a new guy who didn't know about the adoption. So yes, its her right to drop out of her child's life but after losing her biological mother at birth is it fair to the child to lose her again at 7? Unfortunately I think this is the case in many open adoptions (at least it is in many that I know of). Depending on the level of openness I think it can be heartbreaking for the child, who after all should be the focus of our concern.

[sheena12]

Originally Posted by hml1976

So we adopted internationally too. I don't have a problem really with open adoption but the cases I know haven't usually worked out all that well. In two families I know the open adoption started off well enough but then the birth mother "got on" with her life and dropped all contact, another couple I know and the birth mother is currently in prison for dealing drugs. In my husband's case contact with his birth father made him uncomfortable as he got older...in our 30s now we try to avoid him.

If my kids want to trudge through the steppe in Central Asia to find their birth mothers I'm all for it, once they're 18. We even have a name and address for one of our children's birth mother's and I'm happy to let him have contact with her when he's an adult if he wants to. Our daughter's story is a sadder one and there isn't any information to give her but we speak in a positive light about their birth families, my kids are healthy and part of that came from their birth mothers taking care of themselves during pregnancy and for that I'm especially grateful.

I agree at 18 it is up to them. However at 18 I want my kids adopted and birth in college.

I know nothing negative about the birth parents. I know that the mother wants privacy and so do I.

My daughter wants no contact. She wants to see a picture - but not to meet.

The picture is more out of curiosity. She is grateful that she was offered for adoption.