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It seems to work for most folks but I'm sure it takes a lot of give and take. I'm just so glad the shame and secrecy which dominated adoption for so long seems to be out the window. I also think more young mothers would be more willing to make adoption plans for their children if they can be assured they will know how their children are doing or at least get pictures from time to time.
I know it is the norm but I can't think of a worse situation. No one ever feels like the full and real parents. The kids can get confused, the parents giving up a child need to get on with their lives and teens have enough problems without having 2 sets of parents.
I agree at 18 it is up to them. However at 18 I want my kids adopted and birth in college.
I know nothing negative about the birth parents. I know that the mother wants privacy and so do I.
My daughter wants no contact. She wants to see a picture - but not to meet.
The picture is more out of curiosity. She is grateful that she was offered for adoption.
Our two are middle aged now and neither want to know much about their biological family. They do have the information provided by the Los Angeles county so they know a little. Our daughter thought she would find her natural mom at some point, but decided, after witnessing a few friends who had she would just let well enough be. All she really wanted to do was re-assure the young women she made the right choice and she wanted to let her know what a wonderful set of adopted parents she had. Our son is a little bitter and has no desire to find his biological mother. the only thing that might be nice would be an occassional pic as the kids are growning up to let the mother and even the father know her/his child is safe and happy.
I will not speak on some of the posts I have seen because honestly I got quite a bit pissed. For those who have experienced any part of an adoption..it's understood; but for those speaking from what they have read heard or otherwise..it bugs me.
Here's a brief look at my journey...
I was a very informed adult when I made the CHOICE to go through the adoption process. Mine is open and I receive cards, letters, videos etc. Before giving birth the parents and I met multiple times. I actually asked them to be present during the birth. The father cut the cord and all. I wanted this process to be as amazing for them as it was for me.
At one point we even had the "Will you tell her talk?" I did not urge for secrecy but told them I would fully SUPPORT them NOT telling her. The point of the adoption was really for me to do what was best for the baby..In my opinion at the time.
Fast forward two years and the parents divorced, now I will admit I feel some kind of way about that but I am STILL happy with the choice I made. I get anxious when I hear from them and will have to deal with the backlash from both sides when the children are older. (I had another baby AND my children don't know about the adoption)
There have been ups and downs but this has been and will continue on as one incredible journey that no one involved will ever forget!
I know it is the norm but I can't think of a worse situation. No one ever feels like the full and real parents. The kids can get confused, the parents giving up a child need to get on with their lives and teens have enough problems without having 2 sets of parents.
Even if I had an open adoption with my birth mother, it would be a no-brainer to me who my real parents are--my adoptive parents.
I think is many open adoptions it is definitely understood that the child has only 1 set of Real parents and that is the adoptive family not the birth family. Obviously the relinquishing people did not want to parent and the adopting ones did.
AnnaMous gave great advice I see a lot of intercultural adoption and I always wonder if the parents are surrounding the kids with people who look like them or who could give them insight on their race.
AnnaMous gave great advice I see a lot of intercultural adoption and I always wonder if the parents are surrounding the kids with people who look like them or who could give them insight on their race.
I do think it's important for adoptive parents to give their children the option to align themselves with their birth culture alongside their adoptive culture. For example, while my parents didn't adopt interracially, they exposed me to Russian language and culture so that I could have the choice to identify as both Russian and American. I actually called myself Russian-American for a long time, until I visited Russia several times and realized just how American I really am. I've since chosen to identify as solely American, but that's a decision I came to on my own, that wasn't forced by my parents. I really appreciate the fact they didn't try to suppress my birth culture and think that it is important for adoptive parents to at least give their adoptive children the choice to explore the culture associated with their birth place or birth family (it could also be a religion for example, if their birth parents were Jewish). If the child is uninterested, that's fine, but at least they have the option to acknowledge both cultural ancestries.
I'm not sure how someone can "teach" a culture if you haven't lived it. We tried with flags, dolls, books, clothes and to find as many Asian people to be around our Asian daughters but that is not really teaching culture. I have a Vietnamese hairstylist, we always stood in the line of the Korean postal worker, etc but we never knew any Asian families or visited in their homes, especially in South Georgia.
Our grown Korean daughter has friends of every race possible but she does not identify as Asian American at all. she has been with us since she was 3 months old. As she once said when she was a student at Georgia Tech "I'm just a Georgia cracker who looks Asian" . Doesn't bother her one bit. We have no reason to doubt our Vietnamese girls will be equally as well adjusted.
I'm not sure how someone can "teach" a culture if you haven't lived it. We tried with flags, dolls, books, clothes and to find as many Asian people to be around our Asian daughters but that is not really teaching culture. I have a Vietnamese hairstylist, we always stood in the line of the Korean postal worker, etc but we never knew any Asian families or visited in their homes, especially in South Georgia.
Our grown Korean daughter has friends of every race possible but she does not identify as Asian American at all. she has been with us since she was 3 months old. As she once said when she was a student at Georgia Tech "I'm just a Georgia cracker who looks Asian" . Doesn't bother her one bit. We have no reason to doubt our Vietnamese girls will be equally as well adjusted.
Since you can't teach a culture you haven't lived, instead, you could expose your child to people who have lived it. My parents introduced me to Russian people in my life, just so I could choose to have that connection if I wanted. I chose not to have much of a Russian connection. Now, pretty much the only connection I have is knowing Russian and helping Russian tourists on the metro find their way, lol. I am not involved in any Russian cultural activities, but I did go through a few years where I explored my Russian heritage, searched for my biological mom, and even visited my orphanage--where the caretakers remembered me by full name! I am glad to have had that experience but at the end of the day, I'm American. Like your daughter, I don't really identify as Russian-American.
I have worked with a lot of orphans who did identify with their first culture because they grew up to be 12 or 16 in Russia before being adopted to the U.S., and so I think in that case they would identify more with birth culture, and in that case I think it's important not to deny them that part of their identity if they want to keep it going. Generally, someone who was adopted at birth or at 3 is going to identify more with their adoptive culture.
Since your daughter's not interested, it's a non-issue. As a general suggestion to other people, if they wanted to create some kind of connection and there wasn't really a culture to get connected to, I guess the next best thing to do for an adopted child who expresses interest in their birth culture would be to set up a pen-pal or watch movies from that country.
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Every situation is different....
For those who have experienced any part of an adoption..it's understood; but for those speaking from what they have read heard or otherwise..it bugs me.
I did not urge for secrecy but told them I would fully SUPPORT them NOT telling her. The point of the adoption was really for me to do what was best for the baby..In my opinion at the time.
about that but I am STILL happy with the choice I made. I get anxious when I hear from them and will have to deal with the backlash from both sides when the children are older. (I had another baby AND my children don't know about the adoption) 
