U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting > Adoption
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 02-19-2013, 12:30 PM
 
1,024 posts, read 984,965 times
Reputation: 834

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Caa View Post
you have some great points, we are just guessing, but prettty sure that her reaction will be"when can I get to know or see my brother" and John has no contact with Nicholas whatsoever and we are not sure that when what John will say to our child...he feel she may think her will leave her too I guess.
great input thanks so much!
If someone in your family dies, as hard as it might be for you to explain that to a child, it is their responsibility to help the child cope with that loss. This really should be treated no different. Tell her the truth & help her cope with the loss.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 02-19-2013, 12:54 PM
 
10,405 posts, read 8,377,418 times
Reputation: 19134
Looking at it from a different standpoint: most 21 year old men would not be very interested in getting to know or spend time with a nine year old girl, sister or not. However, I think they'd want to know that they had a little sister, regardless of any immediate significant interest in her. As the years pass and little sister grows up, that interest is likely to increase considerably.

Not suggesting a course of action (other than honesty, good timing, and compassion for all concerned), but perhaps something to take into account. Would your daughter be terribly upset by a possible lack of interest in her on the part of her newfound brother?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-19-2013, 02:24 PM
 
1,024 posts, read 984,965 times
Reputation: 834
Quote:
Originally Posted by CraigCreek View Post
Looking at it from a different standpoint: most 21 year old men would not be very interested in getting to know or spend time with a nine year old girl, sister or not. However, I think they'd want to know that they had a little sister, regardless of any immediate significant interest in her. As the years pass and little sister grows up, that interest is likely to increase considerably.
You never know until you ask someone. Despite being adopted & very close with my adoptive family, I was very concerned with the family I was separated from (siblings, cousins, nephews & nieces included).

Quote:
Not suggesting a course of action (other than honesty, good timing, and compassion for all concerned), but perhaps something to take into account. Would your daughter be terribly upset by a possible lack of interest in her on the part of her newfound brother?
Why does this matter? Even if it would matter to her greatly, it is her parent's responsibility to help her cope with that rather than neglect it all-together in the hope that she or no one else will care. Do not shirk your responsibility as a parent.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-19-2013, 03:29 PM
 
10,405 posts, read 8,377,418 times
Reputation: 19134
Quote:
Originally Posted by thethreefoldme View Post
You never know until you ask someone. Despite being adopted & very close with my adoptive family, I was very concerned with the family I was separated from (siblings, cousins, nephews & nieces included).

Right, that's why I said "most twenty-one year old men...", not all.

Why does this matter? Even if it would matter to her greatly, it is her parent's responsibility to help her cope with that rather than neglect it all-together in the hope that she or no one else will care. Do not shirk your responsibility as a parent.

Did I say it wouldn't matter? No, just pointing out that it's a consideration and that the situation should be handled compassionately for all concerned, including that perhaps tender-hearted little nine year old, who matters considerably to her mom. No one is advising anyone to shirk their parental duty - in fact, most here have urged just the opposite upon the head-in-the-sand father.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-20-2013, 08:32 AM
Caa Caa started this thread
 
936 posts, read 2,212,203 times
Reputation: 258
Quote:
Originally Posted by CraigCreek View Post
Looking at it from a different standpoint: most 21 year old men would not be very interested in getting to know or spend time with a nine year old girl, sister or not. However, I think they'd want to know that they had a little sister, regardless of any immediate significant interest in her. As the years pass and little sister grows up, that interest is likely to increase considerably.

Not suggesting a course of action (other than honesty, good timing, and compassion for all concerned), but perhaps something to take into account. Would your daughter be terribly upset by a possible lack of interest in her on the part of her newfound brother?
yes, Nicholas does know about our daughter as he still is in contact with my husband's parents and they show him pictures of her. Nicholas also did invite my husband and I and our child to his graduation from High School, but my husband did not want to go due to the fact hat all of his ex wifes family would be there "staring at him" wondering how could he give Nichoals up oh so long ago. I had to push him to even sign the graduation card. it is like he is mad at the son for his own choice to give him up, even though I know he is not, it is complicated.....
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-20-2013, 08:41 AM
 
297 posts, read 418,065 times
Reputation: 377
Quote:
Originally Posted by Caa View Post
yes, Nicholas does know about our daughter as he still is in contact with my husband's parents and they show him pictures of her. Nicholas also did invite my husband and I and our child to his graduation from High School, but my husband did not want to go due to the fact hat all of his ex wifes family would be there "staring at him" wondering how could he give Nichoals up oh so long ago. I had to push him to even sign the graduation card. it is like he is mad at the son for his own choice to give him up, even though I know he is not, it is complicated.....
Fear is often the underlying emotion behind the anger.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-20-2013, 08:51 AM
 
10,405 posts, read 8,377,418 times
Reputation: 19134
So it sounds as if Nicholas is very open to meeting his little sister and reconnecting with his father, as he's clearly reaching out. How disappointed he must have been to receive only a card for graduation. Perhaps pointing this out to your husband would help him see beyond himself and his own feelings.

It sounds more and more as if your husband's issues are the main complicating factor here. How very sad, for both of his children, as well as for him.

Is there anyone else - a sibling or cousin or family friend to whom your husband is close - who might be able to talk with him about his fears? Your clergyman or woman might also be able to reassure him and help him put his children's best interests above his current focus on his own feelings of fear, being threatened, guilt, and insecurity. Allowing the present situation to continue isn't going to do one positive thing for anyone.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-20-2013, 08:57 AM
 
10,405 posts, read 8,377,418 times
Reputation: 19134
Quote:
Originally Posted by Caa View Post
yes, Nicholas does know about our daughter as he still is in contact with my husband's parents and they show him pictures of her. Nicholas also did invite my husband and I and our child to his graduation from High School, but my husband did not want to go due to the fact hat all of his ex wifes family would be there "staring at him" wondering how could he give Nichoals up oh so long ago. I had to push him to even sign the graduation card. it is like he is mad at the son for his own choice to give him up, even though I know he is not, it is complicated.....


This (bolded) is termed "projection", in which an individual cannot accept or deal with their own negative emotions, so they "project" them onto the person they perceive as having caused them. Usually the victim of such projection is someone about whom the projector feels very strongly. Usually projectors are unable to comprehend that they are projecting in this fashion.

Perhaps you could talk to a counselor with knowledge of projection to aid yourself in understanding how it works and how you can cope with it. It's quite possible that as she matures, your daughter may also find her father projecting his own negative feelings onto her, just as he is currently doing with his son.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-23-2013, 01:19 AM
 
47,576 posts, read 60,526,045 times
Reputation: 22276
Quote:
Originally Posted by Caa View Post
yes, Nicholas does know about our daughter as he still is in contact with my husband's parents and they show him pictures of her. Nicholas also did invite my husband and I and our child to his graduation from High School, but my husband did not want to go due to the fact hat all of his ex wifes family would be there "staring at him" wondering how could he give Nichoals up oh so long ago. I had to push him to even sign the graduation card. it is like he is mad at the son for his own choice to give him up, even though I know he is not, it is complicated.....
Since Nicholas is now 21, I think it's time your husband start having some kind of relationship with him. He gave him up for adoption because that was the best thing at the time -- your husband allowed the adoptive father to raise Nicholas, he didn't interfere and all that -- but Nicholas is now raised.

I assume that Nicholas knows about his biological father so it's just time for your husband to move past the adoption now. In his case, Nicholas's mother probably also wanted no interference from your husband while she was raising her son but he's raised now. Now Nicholas isn't a child and your husband can have an adult bond or relationship of some kind. He can explain that he lived up to his end of an agreement which was to let the other father be the father while Nicholas was growing up.

Then you can explain it that way to your daughter, your husband and Nicholas' mother were young, not ready for marriage, and Nicholas got a different dad to raise him, in part because his mother wanted it that way. Your husband of course has to get beyond it and he needs to realize that secrets don't stay secrets.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-26-2013, 07:30 PM
Caa Caa started this thread
 
936 posts, read 2,212,203 times
Reputation: 258
Default update on this thread

I wish to thank each and every one of you who listened to my issues! Thanks so much. Today, my daughter told me that her daddy and her had a talk today and he told her that she has a half brother ad is she thrilled beyond belief. All of the advice abut waiting and letting time and my husband tell her, was worth it. The time was just right, the moment was right and she is so excited and happy and so am I! My husband seems good with the decision, althoug really did not say much when I asked him about it, he just said, well it was the right moment for letting her know. So thanks to all my forum friends fo listening and praying for us, it owrked, now we can move ahead to the next step, contacting Nicholas!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting > Adoption
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 08:47 PM.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top