husband had child he gave up for adoption, need help! (birth, baby)

[beth98]

Speaking as someone who was accidentally told they have a half-brother at 14, I vote tell her now. There will be questions at any age, but I think waiting until she is older will only create more questions about why she wasn't told sooner. Children are much more forgiving then teenagers.

[Lucidkitty]

Originally Posted by no kudzu

I have very strong feelings about issues like this. I have had a great deal of interest and experience with adoption. Not only do DH and I have 3 adopted children, I have helped several young friends with making adoption plans.

First of all you need to encourage your husband to start looking for his son. The boy is old enough now to probably have access to records which were previously secret. Believe me this boy knows or will know about his background and if he decides to look up his father/your husband, you will react in a less than positive way ,mainly because of what you have kept from your daughter.

Second, this can all be explained in a positive way without all the shame and guilt your husband is experiencing. Get rid of "gave up" from your language.

At 9 your daughter is old enough to understand. She will not have fear she will be "given up" unless you directly express yourself in this way.

Tell her her Daddy married very young and had a son when they were not in any position to properly care for each other or him. They divorced soon after the son was born.( no need to say mother got pregnant and they were not in love. That's ridiculous.)

Explain to your daughter her Daddy loved the little boy but his mother soon wanted to start a new life with another man and wanted this other man to be the little boy's father. Again no need to go on about she wouldn't let him see him, etc.

Tell her her Daddy thought very long and deep about what would be best for the little boy and even though he knew he would miss the little boy and wanted to be part of his life, he realized it was best to let his mother and him and the new husband have a full life together. So it was decided they would not be a family anymore and he would not be a part of the boy's life. Again no need to get into signed away parental rights and other things she won't understand.

You can tell her if this boy ever wants to know who his biological (avoid "real") father is, her Daddy will be very happy and willing to meet with him but you have no idea if or when this will ever happen. Even if your husband decides to look for the boy don't tell your daughter this as worry and anticipation might be too much for her.

Somehow lies and omissions always end up hurting a great many people. If you come from a position of love- Daddy loved the little baby when he was born, Daddy wanted his little boy to have the complete family he could not give him, Daddy has always been thinking about this boy and hoped he has had a good life and most importantly how much Daddy loves his daughter and is so happy he found the right person to make a family with.

Your daughter deserves to know this part of her father's life. Waiting much longer will put her right in the middle of puberty where emotions and hormones are off the chart. Now is the perfect time. She has heard about adoption and divorce. She will understand more than you think.

Good luck.

I don't know there if my father contacted me after not being a part of my life for 21 years i'd be apt to punch him in the mouth. I think at this point he should allow his child to seek him out, and not open up old wounds.

[Spazkat9696]

Originally Posted by Caa

Hi all, to make a long story short, my husband got married in his early 20's as he got his girlfriend pregnant. They had the baby then got divorced abour 1 year later-they were not in love anyway. He had visiting rights, but she never let him see the baby. A year later, she got re married and the new husband wanted to adopt the boy to give them all the same name. Lawyers got invloved and my husband finally relanted on the condition that his whole family could still remain close with the boy, Nick. He (my husband)though, was to give up all rights to seeing or having contact with the child. Now, the boy is 21 and we have a daughter who knows nothing about this other child. My husband and I ar ealmost in a divorce due to disagreement about letting Danielle know about Nick. She is 9 and I feel we need to tlet her know, my husband feels that she will hate him and not understand why he has no contact with Nick, why he gave hime up, that he will give up on her etc.... Nick is over 18 now, but for some reason, my husband due to guilt or fear, will not attempt to contact him. I am afraid that Danielle will find out in a bad way, that she has a brother and that she will hate both of us...any advice, I really need it!!!

I'm a child of a similar situation only I was the one given up. I will NEVER have any contact with my "sperm donor" as I call him due to my feelings about being signed over. That being said I do have a 1/2 brother and sister who nothing about me until "sperm donors" mom let it slip. The female child was upset, and found me on facebook. The male child really didn't care. Either way both of them are over it, and we keep in touch via facebook. For all you know Nick knows nothing about your child. You have to think about how this will make him feel to. My advice is to let sleeping dogs lye. You have no idea what sort of mess you may be unleashing.

[JanND]

Originally Posted by Caa

Hi all, to make a long story short, my husband got married in his early 20's as he got his girlfriend pregnant. They had the baby then got divorced abour 1 year later-they were not in love anyway. He had visiting rights, but she never let him see the baby. A year later, she got re married and the new husband wanted to adopt the boy to give them all the same name. Lawyers got invloved and my husband finally relanted on the condition that his whole family could still remain close with the boy, Nick. He (my husband)though, was to give up all rights to seeing or having contact with the child. Now, the boy is 21 and we have a daughter who knows nothing about this other child. My husband and I ar ealmost in a divorce due to disagreement about letting Danielle know about Nick. She is 9 and I feel we need to tlet her know, my husband feels that she will hate him and not understand why he has no contact with Nick, why he gave hime up, that he will give up on her etc.... Nick is over 18 now, but for some reason, my husband due to guilt or fear, will not attempt to contact him. I am afraid that Danielle will find out in a bad way, that she has a brother and that she will hate both of us...any advice, I really need it!!!

9 yrs is too young to be involved in this kind of drama. It is your husband's decision to make.

[skyegirl]

Originally Posted by Caa

Hi all, to make a long story short, my husband got married in his early 20's as he got his girlfriend pregnant. They had the baby then got divorced abour 1 year later-they were not in love anyway. He had visiting rights, but she never let him see the baby. A year later, she got re married and the new husband wanted to adopt the boy to give them all the same name. Lawyers got invloved and my husband finally relanted on the condition that his whole family could still remain close with the boy, Nick. He (my husband)though, was to give up all rights to seeing or having contact with the child. Now, the boy is 21 and we have a daughter who knows nothing about this other child. My husband and I ar ealmost in a divorce due to disagreement about letting Danielle know about Nick. She is 9 and I feel we need to tlet her know, my husband feels that she will hate him and not understand why he has no contact with Nick, why he gave hime up, that he will give up on her etc.... Nick is over 18 now, but for some reason, my husband due to guilt or fear, will not attempt to contact him. I am afraid that Danielle will find out in a bad way, that she has a brother and that she will hate both of us...any advice, I really need it!!!

The following is my opinion:
Let sleeping dogs lie. There is a real possibility that Nick has no idea that his Dad isn't his biological father. First of all, YOU have no right whatsoever to share this "secret" with your daughter, it's up to your husband. But, I caution you, if he does start "looking" for his son, you all may have quite the mess on your hands, destroying families and all. Now, if Nick were to come to looking for his father, that is a different story. At that point, you and your husband would sit your daughter down and have a discussion. Until then, you don't ever bring it up. This situation should not be bringing the two of you close to divorce, as it really does not pertain to you. Just my two cents.

[Sam I Am]

Well, has the whole family remained close to Nick? Is someone else going to drop a dime on your husband and tell Danielle accidentally? If not, I'd leave the lines of discussion open with your husband and maybe one day he will want to join the adoption registry. In the meantime - YOUR HUSBAND will have to wrap his head around this and explain it to Danielle....it's really his place, he's the one with the history.

Unless there's a pressing medical or legal reason, or the family is going to fall out from under you, I don't see why waiting a little while wouldn't be the most prudent path. I think Danielle is a little young yet - at that age, if you tell her and she wants to see him, then what? What if he has no desire to open this can of worms? You can't explain why Nick doesn't want to meet, and it's just an open question in her head.

Give it a while - you have a very long time to straighten this one out.

[Ivorytickler]

What do you think will be gained by telling her now?

Respect your husband enough to let him decide when your daughter is told. There is no pressing need to tell her now. She's a little young for this anyway and might not be able to handle it.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by Caa

Hi all, to make a long story short, my husband got married in his early 20's as he got his girlfriend pregnant. They had the baby then got divorced abour 1 year later-they were not in love anyway. He had visiting rights, but she never let him see the baby. A year later, she got re married and the new husband wanted to adopt the boy to give them all the same name. Lawyers got invloved and my husband finally relanted on the condition that his whole family could still remain close with the boy, Nick. He (my husband)though, was to give up all rights to seeing or having contact with the child. Now, the boy is 21 and we have a daughter who knows nothing about this other child. My husband and I ar ealmost in a divorce due to disagreement about letting Danielle know about Nick. She is 9 and I feel we need to tlet her know, my husband feels that she will hate him and not understand why he has no contact with Nick, why he gave hime up, that he will give up on her etc.... Nick is over 18 now, but for some reason, my husband due to guilt or fear, will not attempt to contact him. I am afraid that Danielle will find out in a bad way, that she has a brother and that she will hate both of us...any advice, I really need it!!!

Though she is still pretty young, the longer you wait to tell her the more likely it will be for her mind to wander over to "what else have these people I am supposed to be able to trust not told me about?"

In other words, finding out later can have some very negative consequences to the relationship you as her parents have with her if she views this as a trust issue (and she might not, though I just wouldn't want to risk it).

I vote you either tell her BEFORE she hits her teen years, or wait until she's over 21. I would not risk telling her as a teen.

Either way, you guys need to get on the same page and come up with a plan of action you can both live with

[AnnaNomus]

I vote for telling now...BUT
1. It's dad's place to tell. You butting in and doing it for him will probably cause a HUGE problem between the two of you. And...
2. She should have already known. The longer you wait, the bigger deal it's going to be, and the more life changing the information is going to be for her.
My dd has an adult half brother, from her biological father. Although she has hardly ever seen him, I always let her know he existed. So it was never any big life altering revelation, it just was. She's had questions here and there along the way, but it's all been very casual and not a big deal. It's a little late for that course of action in your case, but I think the longer you wait the bigger blow up it will be, with alot of feelings of distrust from your dd.

But again, this is all stuff for your husband to consider, since he should be the one to tell her.

[DewDropInn]

Originally Posted by Caa

husband finally relanted on the condition that his whole family could still remain close with the boy, Nick.

His family remains in contact with Nick?

Does your daughter have contact with those family members? Someone's going to blab. (If they haven't already.) I found out about an uncle's "first family" when another uncle got drunk and started talking at a family party. Those of us who didn't know were stunned. Apparently it was "never to be talked about". One bottle of wine and we all found out.

Better it comes from you or your husband when you can sit down and talk with her about it than at an inopportune time, IMO.