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Old 08-08-2012, 08:00 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
Actually, if you think of this and the genetic connection that you describe and the chaotic families or individuals who gave birth to adopted children, I think it's more amazing that so many adopted teens and children DO NOT have problems! And MOST do not. I would attribute that to the PLANNED additions to families and the huge hurdles that prospective parents need to pass in order to adopt.

I'll put it this way, no one was adopted by accident!

When there is a problem, we hear about it. I don't mind referencing a few serial murderers who were adoptees - and their special circumstances.

David Berkowitz - AKA Son of Sam - was lied to about his adoption, coddled by an over protective mother, rejected by him father after his mother's death, then sought out his birth mother who was less than happy to see him.

Ted Bundy - not exactly adopted but sort of. Mom had him out of wedlock and the family decided to lie to Ted and tell him that his mother was his sister. Later the truth came out. Adopted by his stepfather.

Joel Rifkin - murdered prostitutes on my native Long Island NY. Adoptive parents also hid the adoption.

And that's all I can think of off hand and I'm a True Crime buff.

The list of non adopted serial murderers is much higher.

And many came from what seemed to be decent homes. Jeffrey Dahmer comes to mind.
That's true too. I know a young women who was adopted into what seems like a good family, her sisters were also adopted and apart from the usual sibling rivalry, there doesn't seem to be problems. She was removed from her her biological mother for reasons of abuse and neglect and she had some memory of some abuse.

She seems very well adjusted, happy, social and outgoing. She will flat out tell you all adopted kids have issues. And she reminds you she's adopted and so she knows, and then tell you again that all adopted kids have issues -- but maybe in her case it's good that she accepts that and hopefully is able to deal with whatever they might be.

I think in her case, her family was very open with them, talked to them.

 
Old 08-08-2012, 08:09 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
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I don't think it is too extreme to say all teens have issues.
 
Old 08-08-2012, 10:04 AM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
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Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
I don't think it is too extreme to say all teens have issues.
It would be entirely incorrect to leave out the word "adopted". It would be accurate.
 
Old 08-08-2012, 07:33 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
It would be entirely incorrect to leave out the word "adopted". It would be accurate.
I think you are confusing acknowledging the FACT that adopted teens are more likely to have various emotional problems than non-adopted teens, with a the idea that adoption is some how "bad". That isn't what I have seen anyone say in this thread.

But acknowledging that adopted kids are more likely to have issues, can make the entire family, parents and adoptees, realize that they are not abnormal, if and when issues arise.

It is great that your daughter is perfect, and has had a perfect adoption, but lots of other families struggle, and acknowledging their struggle can help share their burden. And we all know a burden shared is a burden lightened.
 
Old 08-09-2012, 05:22 PM
 
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So I guess it would depend on how you define issues too wouldn't it? For example, I think of my kids (almost 6 and 8) as not having any "issues" they are well adjusted normal kids. Of course my 6yr old does have ADHD...does that count as an issue? I mean it interferes in our daily lives so I guess its an issue but it certainly isn't uncommon. BTW ADHD (especially the impulsive type my son has) is very common in adopted children. ADHD is highly genetic, my son's birthmother was 16 when he was born...I'm guessing she was impulsive. Of course I have no proof of that.

When I was a teen I drank, smoked pot, and loved to sneak out of the house to meet my older boyfriend. I hated my mother for no good reason. If an adopted teen did those things we would call them issues...I wasn't adopted so we call it just normal teenage crap.

Not saying there isn't a statistical reality that adopted teenagers are more likely to have "issues" but I also think that we have to consider not only genetics but also that adopted teenagers may be more likely to be treated than other teenagers. Adoptive families tend to be wealthier, older, and many of them are (rightly so) on the outlook for problems.
 
Old 08-10-2012, 11:02 AM
 
Location: Kansas
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Never underestimate genetics. Never underestimate what statistics do. When our son with special needs, adopted at age 4 weeks, entered pre-school, the school was convinced that his behavior was a result of being adopted because "statistics" say that. His behavior at that time was because he was functioning at as a 2 year old in a class where others were functioning closer to 4 years old. This appeared to follow him. Also, the birth parents had significant issues, genetics not due to adoption. When kids are adopted as teens, many have come from less than desirable homes to begin with but moving from foster home to foster home to foster home with many of those homes being probably worse than where they came from, what would one expect them to be like? And, how many people have 2 children, one that glows and one that doesn't understand "no"? Both biological. I do think because of the case managers, etc. that are involved with adopted/foster kids that emotional/behavioral problems do stand out more and get attention.
 
Old 08-10-2012, 11:52 AM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,601 posts, read 23,161,280 times
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I do not underestimate genetics.

I am also completely in awe of the power of a PLANNED and LONGED FOR FAMILY!

When thinking of the parents that some - many - adoptive children are born of, one must certainly be impressed with the low percentage of maladaptive adoptive children.
 
Old 08-10-2012, 12:54 PM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
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My grown adopted daughter had a few adopted friends in high school. She used to moan and groan about how one in particular used to blame every little thing which did not go her way on the fact she was adopted. If she had acne, it was because she was adopted-regardless of the fact she did not take care of her skin and had horrible dietary habits. If she flunked her test it was because she was adopted and on and on. At 16 my daughter said "Honestly Mother, when do people realize they have to take responsibility for their own choices?"

So all this "issues" talk might be a self fulfilling prophesy. If people are looking for "issues" believe me they are going to find them whether the kid is adopted or not.
 
Old 08-11-2012, 03:00 PM
 
47,576 posts, read 60,532,892 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
I don't think it is too extreme to say all teens have issues.
Yes.

One of my aunts was very hurt and upset because she and her teenage daughter were having the usual mother-daughter stuff and her daughter angrily told her "I didn't ask to be adopted!". Her mother took that as a rejection - but when she told my mom, my mom laughed because we would say "I didn't ask to be born!", my cousin was just doing what all kids will do -- and that is try to get the upper hand in an argument about something like chores, only in my cousin's case, she just changed it slightly to fit her situation.
 
Old 08-11-2012, 03:18 PM
 
18,853 posts, read 31,642,668 times
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Sheena12, you are obviously a terrific Mom, for adopted or not adopted kids. However, I have seen parents who wanted the "perfect" child, and when the child was not perfect, the parents had huge problems with parenting. Especially those who had fantasies about their children, after wanting them for so long.

Now, my kids are all mine, not adopted, and my daughter is not my dream daughter. She hated dancing, hates shopping, she is prickly and difficult at the best of times. I wonder, would I have even more issues with her if she was not my natural child?
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