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There should be no secrecy or shame around adoption, IMO. Not telling a child puts adoption in a shroud of secrecy and shame. It also teaches a child that it's okay to lie if something is shameful enough, and teaches a child not to be completely honest with their parents.
My parents told me from day 1 that I was adopted, and always in a positive way, as something to be proud of, and that made us a unique family. They always reassured me that they love me as much as they do my biological siblings as well.
I think it is especially important for children who were adopted a bit older. For example, I have early-life memories of the orphanage and would be seriously confused if my parents never told me I was adopted. I also have attachment issues from being adopted and my history explains a lot of my struggles today in life, and I would have no basis for understanding those issues if my parents hadn't told me I was adopted.
I have to admit I really can't relate to parents who don't tell their child they were adopted, and I think it's awful to lie to your child about something so big, especially when there's no need to hide it to begin with.
I think the trauma of finding out your parents lied to you for years would be much bigger than any sort of background history regarding one's biological parents. The story behind my biological parents is extremely dark and depressing, and yet I am still grateful that my parents trusted me enough to tell me the truth. They didn't tell me the gory details until I was emotionally mature enough, but at least they trusted me enough to tell me at a time that was right for both of us.
My family and I even went back and visited my orphanage and searched for my birth mother. I am so glad my parents have always seen my adoption as a cause for celebration, and I am grateful every day that my biological mother tried to give me a better life than she could have provided for me, and also grateful that my parents adopted me.
Last edited by nimchimpsky; 08-01-2012 at 09:33 PM..
Years ago people thought there was a great deal of shame around adoption. Usually because of the "unwed mother" issue. Also if a woman couldn't get pregnant idiots surmised there was something "wrong" with her, never considering it was a couple problem.
To keep something secret surrounds it in shame. There is nothing shameful about adoption.
you cannot take one person's experience to represent every adoption experience. I once knew a blue eyed boy who robbed a bank and stabbed his mother. Does that mean all blue eyed boys rob and kill?
A lot of people have behavioral problems and make poor life decisions regardless of their birth circumstances. Of course there is no correlation!
Great post. Wanted to rep you but couldn't.
I can only really speak for myself, but I imagine my situation resonates with at least some other adoptive families. I have emotional issues today that are related to my adoption and I'm not afraid to admit that. I still get flashbacks today, at age 22, of things that happened to me in the orphanage. But if I didn't have that background history, I'd be completely confused about my memories and I wouldn't have any starting place for healing from orphanage-related traumas. A lot of orphans do develop attachment disorders, but so do a lot of biological children. I think the most important thing is that anyone who has an attachment disorder or other psychological issue, has the right to know what is at the root of that issue. My parents, in being honest with me, have given me the benefit of knowing the root cause of issues I have today. And it is in knowing that history and acknowledging it that I have a firm ground to stand on in the journey of healing from those traumas. It's important to keep in mind that an adopted child who spent some time in foster care/an orphanage might not remember everything right away, but memories might resurface later on, and in that case, an adoptive parent will be grateful that they laid the groundwork of trust and honesty by being open about adoption.
It seems today it's generally accepted that you tell your adopted child about their adoption from the very beginning. Why is this considered the best approach? Is it detrimental to never tell a child or to wait until they're an adult?
This is pure curiosity, I don't have any close friends or family who are adopted. I work with a woman who didn't find out she was adopted until her 20s when her parents passed away, she is well adjusted and only wishes she had had a chance to talk to her parents about it. I've only known her as a woman in her 40s, maybe she's grown to accept it over the years, but it seems a lot of the adopted people I've known have had behavioral issues and just general poor life decisions and I wonder if there's some correlation.
Because it's their right to know. And not telling them causes emotional issues.
Lying to your children - adopted or not, can't be good.
Years ago people thought there was a great deal of shame around adoption. Usually because of the "unwed mother" issue. Also if a woman couldn't get pregnant idiots surmised there was something "wrong" with her, never considering it was a couple problem.
To keep something secret surrounds it in shame. There is nothing shameful about adoption.
you cannot take one person's experience to represent every adoption experience. I once knew a blue eyed boy who robbed a bank and stabbed his mother. Does that mean all blue eyed boys rob and kill?
A lot of people have behavioral problems and make poor life decisions regardless of their birth circumstances. Of course there is no correlation!
EXACTLY.....
I was born in 1960 and my brother was born in 1962.... both of us were adopted as infants.... although at that time it was more common to try to keep adoption a secret, this knowledge was never kept from us... we knew always.... it was just a part of our landscapes....
I can NOT imagine how traumatic it would be to find something like this out later in life....
It seems today it's generally accepted that you tell your adopted child about their adoption from the very beginning. Why is this considered the best approach? Is it detrimental to never tell a child or to wait until they're an adult?
A child's mind is essentially a blank slate. Whatever you want to put there they will accept as normal. If you tell the truth from the beginning and make it clear that it is a perfectly normal thing and not something to be ashamed of or troubled by, they will grow up accepting it as such. If it is a buried secret and they find out later, it will be decidedly not normal to them and could cause depression or other issues, not to mention mistrust of the parents for lying to them all those years.
Well I'm thinking my children would have probably wondered since they're a different race than my husband and I
Kidding aside though, adoption isn't any less secretive to me than say having a c-section. It is part of how your child came into the world and then into your family, part of their history and nothing to be ashamed of.
Well I'm thinking my children would have probably wondered since they're a different race than my husband and I
Kidding aside though, adoption isn't any less secretive to me than say having a c-section. It is part of how your child came into the world and then into your family, part of their history and nothing to be ashamed of.
Yeah, but if you never told a child they were born via C-section, no one would think you were trying to be secretive or cover feelings of shame, they'd just think it wasn't a big deal. I just wonder if it's possible to take the same approach to adoption, like never telling a child they were adopted because you didn't think it made a difference.
But I suppose adoption is such a bigger, more complicated fact that it's harder to just ignore.
Yeah, but if you never told a child they were born via C-section, no one would think you were trying to be secretive or cover feelings of shame, they'd just think it wasn't a big deal. I just wonder if it's possible to take the same approach to adoption, like never telling a child they were adopted because you didn't think it made a difference.
But I suppose adoption is such a bigger, more complicated fact that it's harder to just ignore.
To even try to equate c section birth with adoption doesn't even make sense and I think your last sentence answers your own question. I doubt most adoptive parents would even choose to "ignore" the fact their child is adopted.
Maybe I can explain it this way since I have a birth child and 3 adopted children. When you look at your birth child and think about how much you love him your mind says "This child is from the two of us and never could be here if it weren't for my union with my spouse".
But when you look at your adopted child you say "OMG how on earth did I get so lucky, what did I do to deserve this particularly wonderful child, out of all the people she could have gone to, how did we end up so fortunate." This is particularly true if your adopted child comes from overseas.
We used to marvel at the forces which brought us together and the randomness of it all. When DD moaned if I asked her to help me pull weeds in our GA garden, I would tease her by saying "Hey Missy, you could have been adopted by some rural family in Wisconsin or South Dakota and you could be getting up at 4 a.m. to milk cows in sub freezing weather, so don't give me any lip about a bucket full of weeds." We still use this line on her in a teasing way if she is reluctant to wash dishes or something else. She is almost 29. It is one of our sweet little family traditions.
And besides a c section is the mothers story not so much the kids story. I don't think I've ever heard anybody say they were born vaginally or by c section while adoption is the story of all involved but especially the child's. I feel very strongly that if the child wants the circumstances of their adoption to be common knowledge, then it is their story and they should be the ones to tell it and not the adoptive parents. Not the fact they are adopted but the personal, private facts of the adoption. You would be surprised how many people, especially virtual strangers and even close friends will ask the most person questions about "real parents" cost, etc. Blows me away.
Because issues that arise from truthfulness are inherently more acceptable than those that arise from deceit.
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