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DH and I had one bio son and when he was 2 1l2 we adopted Leslie from Korea at 3 months. We are both caucasian. Then when leslie was 19 we adopted two baby girls from Vietnam. So we have had a lifetime of funny looks, stupid remarks and the most ignorant comments you can imagine. I could write a book-in fact I think I just might. But I do like to share some of our experiences to help future adoptive parents be ready.
Top Stupid Comments
1) when Leslie was an infant in arms a lady came up to me to admire her and said :
"Are you going to have to send her to a special school so she can learn English?"
2) "Are you going to tell her she's adopted?"
3) "I don't know how you can REALLY love a child who isn't your own." and this from my next door neighbor of 5 years!
the list goes on and on and I haven't even touched the subject of being "elderly" when we adopted 2 babies when we were 55 and 62.....
if you have the means and desire to adopt-do it,. It is a win/win situation.
I have always admired people like you! You CAN love children you didn't give birth to, EVERYONE needs love and can give love, put those two together and it is a win/win situation! KHUDO'S to you and your husband!
I think part of this is due to the fact that there are thousands of american kids sitting in foster homes and group homes waiting to be adopted and you just got a kid from another country. I know someone who adopted a chinese baby. The reason - less red tape, and they could get an infant. America needs to wake up and stop making it so difficult to adopt.
the worst i ever heard, was a friend and i were loving on her newly adopted baby girl , a woman near us overheard she was adopted, she leans in and says "beautiful baby you picked out (stupid comment part one).....isnt it so sad that she has to go through life without having her real mother (really stupid comment part two!!)
we just got up, and left.
Actually there are not thousands of kids waiting to be adopted in America. and to suggest somebody adopted from a foreign country because of "less red tape" is ridiculousl. Yes there are thousands in foster care but that does not mean they are adoptable. Obviously you have not been thru it. The red tape for international adoption is a nightmare. It can take more than a year to get all the documents. I actually had to get a letter from the library saying I had no overdue books. not a country requirement but some agencies so overboard. And the cost is something most people have no understanding.
Many of us adopt from oversees because we don't want to take the chance of opening our door someday to a teenager-or older- woman saying "I've changed my mind",
This happens more frequently than you think. Also many birth mothers willingly take the financial aide offered to them like free medical care, lodging, etc only to back out after the child is born.
And remember most of the kids in foster care have been traumatized in some way if only by the very fact of being uprooted from their home. Many come from drug infested homes, disease etc which of course makes them innocent but trying to adopt from foster is not easy. I know---we tried before we went overseas. This is a very sensitive subject with many folks who have adopted from overseas. When somebody comes at us with "There are so many kids here to you can adopt" We say "Show me one'
Prison inmates frequqntly will not relinquish and lots of kids are stuck in limbo for years. The only thing i agree with you about is that yes america needs to work on making domestic adoption less complicated and more speedy.
the worst i ever heard, was a friend and i were loving on her newly adopted baby girl , a woman near us overheard she was adopted, she leans in and says "beautiful baby you picked out (stupid comment part one).....isnt it so sad that she has to go through life without having her real mother (really stupid comment part two!!)
we just got up, and left.
some people....sigh....
Seriously!?!?!? I really feel for adoptive patents because they have to deal with some ignorant people and stupid comments!!!!! I can't wait until I'm ready to adopt though! I look foward to it!
Actually there are not thousands of kids waiting to be adopted in America. and to suggest somebody adopted from a foreign country because of "less red tape" is ridiculousl. Yes there are thousands in foster care but that does not mean they are adoptable. Obviously you have not been thru it. The red tape for international adoption is a nightmare. It can take more than a year to get all the documents. I actually had to get a letter from the library saying I had no overdue books. not a country requirement but some agencies so overboard. And the cost is something most people have no understanding.
Many of us adopt from oversees because we don't want to take the chance of opening our door someday to a teenager-or older- woman saying "I've changed my mind",
This happens more frequently than you think. Also many birth mothers willingly take the financial aide offered to them like free medical care, lodging, etc only to back out after the child is born.
And remember most of the kids in foster care have been traumatized in some way if only by the very fact of being uprooted from their home. Many come from drug infested homes, disease etc which of course makes them innocent but trying to adopt from foster is not easy. I know---we tried before we went overseas. This is a very sensitive subject with many folks who have adopted from overseas. When somebody comes at us with "There are so many kids here to you can adopt" We say "Show me one'
Prison inmates frequqntly will not relinquish and lots of kids are stuck in limbo for years. The only thing i agree with you about is that yes america needs to work on making domestic adoption less complicated and more speedy.
I agree very much with the previous poster that we need to make adoption an easier process. It is so difficult that if you don't give up during the process, that alone should make you an super qualified adoptive parent!
It is also true that it's almost impossible to adopt in the U.S. We live in PA and we've been trying to adopt for over a year now. We've gone to several classes, had our financial records gone through, our entire familiy, including our three kids have had physicals, we were fingerprinted and our histories checked for criminal acts, we've had to be CPR and first aid certified and we had to have a home study on top of all that. And that is not including all the forms and paperwork we had to fill out and all the meetings we had to attend. And all of the costs to do these things have come out of our pockets. No reinbursement offered.
All this to adopt one child. We asked for a special needs child under the age of 6 because our children are all still young and I didn't want to bring in older kids and make our other children vulnerable to abuse or other issues. All we have been told is how impossible our request is. Every event for adoption has only older children. Most of it seems to be because the social system here supports children being placed back with families first and only if that is impossible can they be adopted out. Just the thought of that scares me. Some of these kids are being put back into very volatile situations that I think are worse than them not living with their mother or father.
You are so right about the legal system in this country. It seems to be that no matter how horrible the home situation is, the courts insist on placing the child right back where they were so damaged. Over and over again. Blood does not make a person a better parent but so many courts don't see anything but the need to keep the child with it's family of origin. It makes my blood boil. How many times have you read about abused kids being found dead after being given back to the abusing parent. So sad.
But still you wait and when it happens you will be so full of joy. The usual wait time to adopt from foster care is about 5 years and forget anybody under the age of 6. Just doesn't sound right at all does it?
Don't give up. Let everybody know you are looking for a child. The doctor, nurse, postman . work colleague, neighbors, everybody. You never know where a referral will come from.
Good luck
I agree very much with the previous poster that we need to make adoption an easier process. It is so difficult that if you don't give up during the process, that alone should make you an super qualified adoptive parent!
It is also true that it's almost impossible to adopt in the U.S. We live in PA and we've been trying to adopt for over a year now. We've gone to several classes, had our financial records gone through, our entire familiy, including our three kids have had physicals, we were fingerprinted and our histories checked for criminal acts, we've had to be CPR and first aid certified and we had to have a home study on top of all that. And that is not including all the forms and paperwork we had to fill out and all the meetings we had to attend. And all of the costs to do these things have come out of our pockets. No reinbursement offered.
All this to adopt one child. We asked for a special needs child under the age of 6 because our children are all still young and I didn't want to bring in older kids and make our other children vulnerable to abuse or other issues. All we have been told is how impossible our request is. Every event for adoption has only older children. Most of it seems to be because the social system here supports children being placed back with families first and only if that is impossible can they be adopted out. Just the thought of that scares me. Some of these kids are being put back into very volatile situations that I think are worse than them not living with their mother or father.
So we wait.
That is the part that I don't get. You go through all of that, but kids that are taken away from a bad home situation are usually given right back to the same parents with the same skills that they had before. It's not right, just not right.
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