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Old 10-02-2012, 06:09 PM
 
203 posts, read 255,576 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
My blood is not my identity.
I love it when people who have always known their blood origins make comments like this. Try not knowing anything about your blood for the first 27 years of your life and then get back to me.

 
Old 10-02-2012, 07:04 PM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
23,973 posts, read 32,296,294 times
Reputation: 68021
Quote:
Originally Posted by susankate View Post
I don't think people on here so much have a problem with changing their names per se, it is more the fact that you consider it mandatory. Were all 50 adoptees older children? Of those that were, were they told that the name change was mandatory whether they liked it or not? Were they told upfront that this would happen and that it was a condition of their adoption or was it sprung on them?

One genuine question, if they don't want to change their names, are you willing to compromise by giving them names as close as possible to their names (eg, as some of us have mentioned before, Alec and Alicia (with an s sound rather than a "sh" sound)).

And you know what ?- The Kids Are Alright!

And would you be open to listening to them if they weren't?
It is important to me. You have that right.

If they were not open to it? I'd cross that bridge when we came to it and not in public.
But you see having hosted so many EE kids and knowing so many, I have seen only two responses OK as in "You name me Mamma and Papa" and excited.

Some hate their names because of an abusive parent.

Alec is nice and on the short list - Alica - it is a pretty name but - and this is odd and ironic - it's the name of a woman who permitted an abusive BF to live in her house. He was beating the crap out of her 10 year old son every day. The boy was Gay or seemed Gay and he turned out to be.

Another nieghbor and I reported them to CPS. They were not removed right away. They were when she stabbed him the night before Thanksgiving. Not cause he had bloodied her son's nose - because he spent money on drugs and didn't share with her.

Alec is great. For the other name perhaps another A or vowel name such as Alina - very popular right now in Slavic countries. My favorite is Abigail.

Or to make the names euphonic with my existing children - Kristopher Kirk, Corbin, or Clayton

Girls - Kristina - but not with Kristopher- Cara or Carolina.

Your thoughts?
 
Old 10-02-2012, 07:25 PM
 
95 posts, read 82,446 times
Reputation: 55
Quote:
Originally Posted by gcm7189 View Post
"Many people chose to take on the last name of their husband."

The key word here is "chose." You have already made it very clear that the children you adopt do not have a choice regarding their name. So your analogy doesn't really make sense to me. How is an adult willingly entering into a legal marriage contract and deciding of their own free will to take the surname of his or spouse anything like a child having no legal standing in an adoption contract or choice in having their name changed?
Chose is key here as well as adult. These are choices that people make as adults. Also, many women today are choosing to keep their maiden name even if married. Why? Because perhaps they feel a strong connection with it.
 
Old 10-02-2012, 09:06 PM
 
10,449 posts, read 12,440,457 times
Reputation: 12597
Quote:
Originally Posted by lkb0714 View Post
I am confused.

If love makes a family and not blood than why would the name matter? Unless family and individual identity is related to names, first and last.

My daughter has a different last name than I do as I did not take my husband's name. She is no less a member of my family. My uncle is technically my mother's half brother, and they do not share a last name, they are still family.

But if you are saying that last name provides family identity (and I do think it helps support family identity) than why wouldn't first names, provide the same root to one's individual identity? And if they do that, why is it acceptable to force someone to change that even if they do not want to?
I do think names are important. I just don't think that they equate to someone's whole identity, or even a huge part. But they are a part.

But when your daughter took a new last name, was that not your husband's last name? Does it not prove that she is still his daughter because they share a last name? I'm not saying that you don't feel close to her, but socially, names do have meanings attached to them. For example, I'm sure people would be confused if she had a different last name from you AND your husband, as is the case with my friend's brother.

I never said it's acceptable to force someone to change their name and never explicitly agreed with the OP for doing that. I was just answering her original question of understanding the meanings behind various names while reserving my judgment on her personal choice.
 
Old 10-02-2012, 09:09 PM
 
10,449 posts, read 12,440,457 times
Reputation: 12597
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
It is important to me. You have that right.

If they were not open to it? I'd cross that bridge when we came to it and not in public.
But you see having hosted so many EE kids and knowing so many, I have seen only two responses OK as in "You name me Mamma and Papa" and excited.

Some hate their names because of an abusive parent.

Alec is nice and on the short list - Alica - it is a pretty name but - and this is odd and ironic - it's the name of a woman who permitted an abusive BF to live in her house. He was beating the crap out of her 10 year old son every day. The boy was Gay or seemed Gay and he turned out to be.

Another nieghbor and I reported them to CPS. They were not removed right away. They were when she stabbed him the night before Thanksgiving. Not cause he had bloodied her son's nose - because he spent money on drugs and didn't share with her.

Alec is great. For the other name perhaps another A or vowel name such as Alina - very popular right now in Slavic countries. My favorite is Abigail.

Or to make the names euphonic with my existing children - Kristopher Kirk, Corbin, or Clayton

Girls - Kristina - but not with Kristopher- Cara or Carolina.

Your thoughts?
I hated my name for years because of abuse. I don't mind it now cause enough people have used my name in a loving way.

I do think that a name that is reminiscent of abuse can be turned into a positive thing through usage. It's classic conditioning. If you hear your name enough times in a loving context, each time it chips away from when your name was used in an abusive context, until the sound of it no longer gives you a tinge of fear.
 
Old 10-02-2012, 09:10 PM
 
10,449 posts, read 12,440,457 times
Reputation: 12597
Quote:
Originally Posted by gcm7189 View Post
I love it when people who have always known their blood origins make comments like this. Try not knowing anything about your blood for the first 27 years of your life and then get back to me.
I'm adopted and my blood is not my identity. I am 22 and know nothing about my blood.
 
Old 10-02-2012, 09:38 PM
 
1,880 posts, read 2,303,642 times
Reputation: 1480
Quote:
Originally Posted by nimchimpsky View Post
I hated my name for years because of abuse. I don't mind it now cause enough people have used my name in a loving way.

I do think that a name that is reminiscent of abuse can be turned into a positive thing through usage. It's classic conditioning. If you hear your name enough times in a loving context, each time it chips away from when your name was used in an abusive context, until the sound of it no longer gives you a tinge of fear.
I was thinking the same thing in that one can "reclaim" back the name and make it a loved name instead of one associated with awful people.

Also, I was thinking more of pronouncing Alicia A-lis-eeya (similar to the Olga nickname, Olisya) rather than the more common A-lee-sha which might also help take away the stigma of Alicia.

Also, I've changed my opinions on a particular name in a heartbeat when I've come across a person I like with that name - I've liked that person so much that to me the name ends up becoming synonymous with them and thus a loved name.
 
Old 10-02-2012, 09:48 PM
 
1,880 posts, read 2,303,642 times
Reputation: 1480
Quote:
Originally Posted by nimchimpsky View Post
I'm adopted and my blood is not my identity. I am 22 and know nothing about my blood.
The following is my own opinion.

I would not say that my biology is all of my identity but I will say that my biology is now part of my identity.

10 years ago, I may have said that biology isn't part of my identity and that it was unimportant. Now that I have reunited with bfamily, I now realise how much biology has made me who I am - obviously nurturing and environment are important but biology is also an important part of who I am. It is something that people don't always realise they are missing until they find it again, if that makes sense.

Of course, that is my own personal experience. I realise that when the nurture environment and nature environment are exceedingly different, it can be hard for a person to relate to the nature environment. Also, in other cases, some people can be poisoned against one's nature environment so that they can only see it through a negative viewpoint. This is why being told about one's story in an objective way is so important.
 
Old 10-03-2012, 01:48 AM
 
39 posts, read 33,205 times
Reputation: 39
Just because you know nothing about your blood, doesn't mean it is not part of your identity. No offence but that's just science, plain and simple. Our DNA determines our physical traits, our particular talents and even our particular tastes. Sure, we can learn stuff from our environment, from nurture, but the fact is that if our brain is not wired a particular way, we will never be able to, say, become an astro-physicist. We all have genetic potential and no amount of environmental influences can change that potential - all they can do is encourage or discourage it.
 
Old 10-03-2012, 04:43 AM
 
10,449 posts, read 12,440,457 times
Reputation: 12597
Quote:
Originally Posted by keribus72 View Post
Just because you know nothing about your blood, doesn't mean it is not part of your identity. No offence but that's just science, plain and simple. Our DNA determines our physical traits, our particular talents and even our particular tastes. Sure, we can learn stuff from our environment, from nurture, but the fact is that if our brain is not wired a particular way, we will never be able to, say, become an astro-physicist. We all have genetic potential and no amount of environmental influences can change that potential - all they can do is encourage or discourage it.
I don't think anyone is claiming that genetics are completely unimportant. The debate is really over how important they are.
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