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Old 09-30-2012, 09:31 PM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,677 posts, read 23,246,850 times
Reputation: 48862

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Adoption and birthing are exactly the same to us. Different ways to build families but equal. The children should be trated with the same love respect and care - as should the parents.

 
Old 09-30-2012, 09:36 PM
 
11,151 posts, read 14,147,137 times
Reputation: 18796
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
Nope. That would be my desire to do what we think is best for our children. I do not care about flesh and blood. GOT THAT?

I have said it like a million times. Like any parents we want to have the joy of naming our children.

We think it's best.
Yes, you've made your position perfectly clear.

I wish you and your family the best, and sincerely hope these children don't come to resent you the way you resent your stepmother.

Good luck to you all.
 
Old 09-30-2012, 09:46 PM
 
95 posts, read 62,396 times
Reputation: 55
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
Please do not speak for all children who were adopted. Speak for yourself.
I do speak for myself and a lot of other adoptees as well. I never said I spoke for ALL adoptees, but there are many that are like-minded. My adoptive parents never "got it" either and just thought that adopting children was the same as birthing them. It built resentment and disconnect that wasn't fully realized until the last few years. I rarely speak to them and the same for my brother.
 
Old 09-30-2012, 09:47 PM
 
11,151 posts, read 14,147,137 times
Reputation: 18796
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
The children should be trated with the same love respect and care ...
I'll let someone else point out the sad irony of this statement, although I know it won't make a difference. My heart is too tired to continue this discussion.
 
Old 09-30-2012, 09:58 PM
 
1,097 posts, read 1,733,532 times
Reputation: 1590
Until this thread came up it would never have occurred to me to think of changing an older adoptees name. A nickname, maybe.

Unless the older child asks - for whatever reason - I would not presume to do so. Agreeing to is not asking for - adoptees can be too eager to please on so many levels. It feels like taking the chance of adding another rejection of something about them to a child who already may feel that way.

Adopting an older child is not starting blank for them - it is a new & hopefully long and good relationship, but it does not blot out the past. I am amazed any AP would totally ignore any feelings the child might have about one of the few things they may call their own.

Would someone change an 8 yr old US orphan's first name? if so, why would it be in the child's best interest?
 
Old 09-30-2012, 10:37 PM
 
1,879 posts, read 1,862,869 times
Reputation: 1462
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
Well I have a step mother. She is of the "wicked" variety. Had she taken my siblings and me as her own and allowed us to call her "mom" - she could certainly change my name.

She didn't care enough though. She could only love her "flesh and blood". Taken a new name so that she was not constantly reminded of our mother? Ummm...in a heart beat.

We weren't important enough for her attention.
I'm sorry, Sheena, that you had such an awful stepmother.

I am fortunate that my parents remained married. However, if they had divorced and if I had ended up with a stepmother, I would hope that she would have loved me as I am, warts and all, including my name.

Having said that, I would understand that my hypothetical stepmother might have insecurities re her husband having had a previous wife and children.

However, if then she had said to me that the only way she could "bond" with me is by me changing my name so that she was not constantly reminded of my mother, I would tell her to "take a hike" and tell her that it is not up to me to make compromises so that she can feel more secure about her relationship with me. I might also wonder what other compromises I might be expected to make to fit in with her.
 
Old 10-01-2012, 01:21 AM
 
Location: Liberal Coast
4,277 posts, read 5,168,877 times
Reputation: 3889
While I agree that should you adopt these children you have the right to them, I do believe you should respect they culture they are from. It is easy enough to choose names that work well both in their culture and here. Due to finances, we are having to choose another country to adopt from. That also meant changing the future names because of a different culture and language. So, we chose first names that work well in their country and in this country.
 
Old 10-01-2012, 01:26 AM
 
Location: Liberal Coast
4,277 posts, read 5,168,877 times
Reputation: 3889
I will add a caveat, though. I am from an area where having a foreign name is quite common, and that's what I grew up. As such, foreign names do not phase me, or most people I know. Kids with foreign names were not made fun of (shoot, one girl was named "Dung".)
 
Old 10-01-2012, 03:30 AM
 
1,879 posts, read 1,862,869 times
Reputation: 1462
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
Nope. That would be my desire to do what we think is best for our children. I do not care about flesh and blood. GOT THAT?

I have said it like a million times. Like any parents we want to have the joy of naming our children.

We think it's best.
When do you plan on telling them about their names being changed? I do think it is best to be honest during their host stay if the subject of adoption arises and to let them know that you WILL be changing their name and that you have no wish to adopt them if they aren't au fait with that.

If they do wish to be adopted and you don't tell them about the name change until just before the adoption is finalised, they may feel a bit ambushed, even if they did dislike their names.
 
Old 10-01-2012, 03:37 AM
 
1,879 posts, read 1,862,869 times
Reputation: 1462
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marymarym View Post
This is exactly right and why I speak out for adoptees. Adoption and birthing children are NOT The same and should be treated differently. Adopted children come with a history, a first family, a heritage that may be different, a different set of genetics and a name. They are not blank slates that you can imprint as you please. This is why I said that adoption should be the very last resort and not a way to build a middle class family. This is not a matter of "semantics", it's how some people perpetuate this damaging view.
Please do not speak for all children who were adopted. Speak for yourself.
Actually in this case, Mary is merely stating facts.

Adopted children DO come with a history, a first family, a heritage that may be different, a different set of genetics and a name.

They AREN'T blank slates that one can imprint as one pleases.

Whether or not an adoptee cares about the above or even acknowledges the above, the above facts are still facts.
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