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Old 10-01-2012, 03:45 AM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,678 posts, read 23,269,288 times
Reputation: 48876

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Quote:
Originally Posted by psr13 View Post
While I agree that should you adopt these children you have the right to them, I do believe you should respect they culture they are from. It is easy enough to choose names that work well both in their culture and here. Due to finances, we are having to choose another country to adopt from. That also meant changing the future names because of a different culture and language. So, we chose first names that work well in their country and in this country.
I have said that we are going to select names that are sound good to all foul of us. I think I may have said it about five times. They may or may not be part of their culture.

I went through the whole PC "retain the culture thing" with our daughter. It backfired. She was not interested and is not interested. Another poster has said the same thing about her daughters, two of whom were adopted from Korea, as was my daughter.

Instead of listening to what the self proclaimed experts say, I am going to take my cue from them, when it comes to the retaining of their culture.

When they first come here, I am going to take the advice of two of the most distinguished experts in the area of attachment and bonding.

1. Keep them close. No multiple care givers
. 2. No trips to Disney World or other places that are overly stimulating
. 3. No huge shopping sprees. It is suggested that parents do not try to make up for a life time of deprivation during the first months. This can cause the child to become attached to gifts rather than people. It's human nature to want to do this, but it is not sound psychologically.
and
4. Do not introduce them to , or associate with people from their culture, whose primary language is theirs. This will also impede attachment and bonding. They will bond to these people, not to you.

I would hope that they would be able to retain their language. I intend to study their language as well. This is less out of desire to maintain their heritage than it is because being multi-lingual will give them a life time of advantage.

The goal when they arrive here is not to preserve the past but to embrace the present.

There will be a lot of time for that later.

 
Old 10-01-2012, 04:09 AM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,678 posts, read 23,269,288 times
Reputation: 48876
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dark of the Moon View Post
Yes, you've made your position perfectly clear.

I wish you and your family the best, and sincerely hope these children don't come to resent you the way you resent your stepmother.

Good luck to you all.

How on earth could you compare a much desired adoption to a step mother who did not want my siblings and myself?

I said by way of illustration, that had it been important to her that we took new names, we would have. One of my sisters asked if she could call my father's wife "mom" and she said "absolutely not". This was my youngest sister who was 15 at the time. As for my brother, who was nine, she through him out when he turned 16. We raised him, and he changed his last name, my maiden name to my husband;s and my name. He felt my father did not protect him from her. He did not have any use for my maiden name. Nor do I.

We wanted her to love and accept us. She wanted to rush us all out of our home and did not, in anyway want to name us. if taking a new name would have made her happy that would have been fine with us. She would have never done that because it would imply family and connection. To her, we are not her family.

What she did not want, is what we DO want. Family and connection.

She took us out like the trash. She is very "flesh and blood" and ethnically oriented. We are not.

She can not love anyone who is not a relative. It;s good that she has seven sibs, because they are her only friends.
 
Old 10-01-2012, 05:54 AM
 
Location: Southern California
394 posts, read 1,338,444 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
Nope. That would be my desire to do what we think is best for our children. I do not care about flesh and blood. GOT THAT?

I have said it like a million times. Like any parents we want to have the joy of naming our children.

We think it's best.
You don't seem to understand that the children you're adopting already HAVE names. They HAD parents and families, they HAD a culture. To force them to change their names just because you want to give them American names is very selfish. When a child is taken from one culture and adopted into another, there's an element of shame attached. Not shame for the child, but shame for that country and that culture. They're told that they were taken from a "bad" situation into a "good" one, so everything from that "bad" country becomes negative. It's no different from American kids who are adopted into American homes. No matter how loving the adopted couple might be, there was something negative about their birth situation that they had to be "saved" from. It's not a fact, it's a belief. It might not ever be articulated by the child or the adoptive parents, but it is felt. Adopted parents express to the child how much better their life is now than it was before and how lucky they are, which leads the child to believe that there was something wrong with their birth situation, which is something no one should feel badly about. But when that happens, it's not surprising that the child will grow up and want nothing to do with their origins.
 
Old 10-01-2012, 05:55 AM
 
10,452 posts, read 10,636,937 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
How on earth could you compare a much desired adoption to a step mother who did not want my siblings and myself?

I said by way of illustration, that had it been important to her that we took new names, we would have. One of my sisters asked if she could call my father's wife "mom" and she said "absolutely not". This was my youngest sister who was 15 at the time. As for my brother, who was nine, she through him out when he turned 16. We raised him, and he changed his last name, my maiden name to my husband;s and my name. He felt my father did not protect him from her. He did not have any use for my maiden name. Nor do I.

We wanted her to love and accept us. She wanted to rush us all out of our home and did not, in anyway want to name us. if taking a new name would have made her happy that would have been fine with us. She would have never done that because it would imply family and connection. To her, we are not her family.

What she did not want, is what we DO want. Family and connection.

She took us out like the trash. She is very "flesh and blood" and ethnically oriented. We are not.

She can not love anyone who is not a relative. It;s good that she has seven sibs, because they are her only friends.
I am really sorry to hear your step mother mistreated you like that, Sheena.

I think it might be good to try to find a way to heal from that emotional baggage.

And I think that more relevant to this thread, no matter what your adoptive children are named, you and they will both know that love makes a family, not flesh or blood.
 
Old 10-01-2012, 06:22 AM
 
1,014 posts, read 987,358 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by warren zee View Post
Our daughter came over from Korea at age 4 months- What experience, personality, experience and attachment to name does she have. She never ever wanted to find her birth mother nor does she ever want to visit her country. You cannot put your beliefs on other people. Our daughter is 16 1/2 years old, old enough to make her own mind up. She hated her birth name and was very happy that my wife gave her a beautiful name.
As Sheena pointed out in another thread talking about teen mothers:

"The brain is not finished developing until the age of twenty-five -- look it up."

So 16 year olds are only capable of making fully-informed, mature decisions if they are adopted?
 
Old 10-01-2012, 06:39 AM
 
203 posts, read 200,517 times
Reputation: 306
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
Names they will not have. Ugly ones or the one's the birth woman gave them.

We feel strongly about this and we don't want to argue about it.
Wow. Thank you so much for making this statement. It is extremely helpful for me. I have been debating a legal name change to incorporate the lovely first name given to me by my "birth woman." But I've been holding back because of how my adoptive parents (who have the same attitude as you) might feel.

This was just the motivation I needed to file the legal papers. So again, thanks!

That's the cool thing about being an adult adoptee. It's no longer all about my adoptive parents and what they want. Our names can be changed but eventually, we can change them back if we choose to do so. Something for adoptive parents to consider when it comes to naming and their attitudes toward renaming a child who already has a name.
 
Old 10-01-2012, 07:00 AM
 
10,452 posts, read 10,636,937 times
Reputation: 12537
Reading this thread makes me feel fortunate that I appreciate my name and feel that it fits my identity. It's American enough to reflect my American acculturation with just a hint of Russian flavor to reflect my Russian heritage. I wonder if I would have felt like my name didn't fit if I were named Suzie or Sveta.
 
Old 10-01-2012, 07:12 AM
 
1,097 posts, read 1,734,677 times
Reputation: 1591
Not changing an older child's name doesn't seem to be about "maintaining their culture", but about acknowledging their sense of self.

I will concede some children really might not care. Some will say they don't care to please their new parent or if it is their ticket out of a bad situation.

Many of the reasons given are from a "me" perspective - I get to name my kids, I think it will sound better, I want to have that fun thing of picking names, I don't think a name is something important to them.

Having the older child relinquish their name as a precondition of adoption shows a devotion to a personal philosophy, and that may be what is important to some. It has been decided even before meeting the child as part & parcel of what the adoptive parent wants, for whatever reason. But because it is a precondition, it in no way can be viewed as considering an individual older child's feelings on the matter.
 
Old 10-01-2012, 07:52 AM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,678 posts, read 23,269,288 times
Reputation: 48876
Quote:
Originally Posted by nj185 View Post
Not changing an older child's name doesn't seem to be about "maintaining their culture", but about acknowledging their sense of self.

I will concede some children really might not care. Some will say they don't care to please their new parent or if it is their ticket out of a bad situation.



Many of the reasons given are from a "me" perspective - I get to name my kids, I think it will sound better, I want to have that fun thing of picking names, I don't think a name is something important to them.

Having the older child relinquish their name as a precondition of adoption shows a devotion to a personal philosophy, and that may be what is important to some. It has been decided even before meeting the child as part & parcel of what the adoptive parent wants, for whatever reason. But because it is a precondition, it in no way can be viewed as considering an individual older child's feelings on the matter.
We will bestow a name. As in give a gift, I do not dwell on my past. I have a sister who does. She is not the better for it.

I am planning for them as I would for children I have birthed. It is a re-birth in a sense for them. In a very big sense, Some things will be left behind. The name give by the birth woman will be number one.

Adoption is not babysitting or sharing kids. Many will not care and more will want it. I have found that adoptive children like to fit in.

Something is old is severed and something new is bound. That's it.

To argue this point to death seems silly and pointless, especially when thousands of children sit in orphanages each day with the dismal knowledge that if not adopted in 4 or 6 years they will be kicked to the curb. To worry collectively as many of you do about these children is pointless and strange.

Additionally, I have so many supporters as measured by rep comments on the changing a child's name thread that it seems others agree with me but refrain from posting for fear of reprisals.

Oh BTW No I'm not a Martyr mom and I have no problem stating that the adoption is not only a humanitarian effort, it's to grow OUR FAMILY.
 
Old 10-01-2012, 08:02 AM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,678 posts, read 23,269,288 times
Reputation: 48876
Quote:
Originally Posted by nimchimpsky View Post
Reading this thread makes me feel fortunate that I appreciate my name and feel that it fits my identity. It's American enough to reflect my American acculturation with just a hint of Russian flavor to reflect my Russian heritage. I wonder if I would have felt like my name didn't fit if I were named Suzie or Sveta.
It sounds as though your dad did what he thought was right for your family and did it with conviction, Kids tend to feel secure when the people in charge of them are secure and do not apologize or ask permission.
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