U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting > Adoption
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Closed Thread Start New Thread
 
Old 09-02-2012, 12:02 PM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,591 posts, read 23,151,009 times
Reputation: 48585

Advertisements

Interestingly, the National Council of Black Social Workers is against trans racial adoptions - they put out a position piece on the subject about a decade ago.

They think of it as "racial genocide". I do not agree. A child of any race who is raised without parents as a tough road ahead of them. My heart goes out to them.

I can't imagine that a child is better off in foster care! I would suggest that all of these black social workers "put their money where their mouths are, so to speak", and adopt several of these AA children?

ALSO I should add that my observation about the strange and cumbersome names of MANY children in US Foster Care System have names that are unwieldy. Including WHITE children.

I do not think it's a racial thing - I do think it's a class thing.

As far as the suggestion of one poster that people who adopt AA kids go to an AA church - it sounds good in theory - but what are you supposed to do? Convert your entire family because one new child is AA?

We looked at a nice sib group (US) before deciding to adopt internationally this time. Two of the children are white and one is bi-racial, yet she looks AA. What should be done in that situation?

 
Old 09-02-2012, 12:13 PM
 
679 posts, read 1,048,977 times
Reputation: 1111
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
When we add a child to our family our door opens and the door to the other family shuts.

If a twelve year old child from America wants to join our family, and we want them to join ours, we would discuss at length the type of family we are. Naming is important to us. Giving a person a name has long been the province of parents. In ancient times, peoples names changed frequently, when their direction in life changed. At twelve, this mythical child would need to want to be adopted by us. We would not adopt a child who was still attached to his or her family of origin.

I child adopted by us would be saying "good bye" to many things, neglect or abuse would be two. But their would be others. Fast food, meat, prepared in our home, too much television, and more. No we don't eat meat.

They would be saying hello to fresh wholesome vegetarian foods, museums, family trips, foreign travel, ballet class, sports, sleepawy camp, family camping,hiking and the library.
Ok, let's say there's a hypothetical 12 year old named Mary. She was named after her grandmother who was loving and non-abusive and tried to shield protect her from her parents' abuse and neglect. The grandmother has died. Mary is willing to become part of your family, but wants to keep the name because it is a connection to a loving, non-abusive grandmother she loved very much. Would you allow her to keep the name or would you make her change it?
 
Old 09-02-2012, 12:39 PM
 
10,379 posts, read 8,374,270 times
Reputation: 19124
Of course most sensible and caring people would allow "Mary" to keep her name, along with her good memories of her grandmother!

But if "Mary" were instead named after loving "Grandma Myrri'quaneshia", perhaps that could become a middle name with a more frequently-encountered name placed in front, or maybe it could be abridged to the nickname "Myrri", pronounced "Meery" or "Merry", for everyday use. Or "Neshia", or some other part of a long, made-up, difficult to spell and pronounce name could be used for everyday, retaining the "difficult but precious to the child" name formally.

Of course, if an older child really, really did want to remain "Myrri'quaneshia" for everyday use, I would not stand in her way. However, I would check back in a few months and see if she was still okay with her name or wanted to use in nickname or middle name instead.

Actually, most preteen girls play around with their names, adding and subtracting initials, substituting similar vowels, etc. "Mary" might thus become "Maria, Mariana, Marietta, Marya, Maryanna, Marianne, Merry, Marie, Mari, Maree, ..." etc. Every young girl in my family did this, making addressing Christmas cards and presents more than a little problematic if more distantly located relatives hadn't gotten the word, as Judy became Judi then Judith, Becky turned into Becki then Rebecca, Jenny became Jeni, then Jennifer, then permanently switched to a different version of her middle name, Angie became Angi, etc. I can remember many of the girls in my junior high homeroom writing various versions of their names all over their notebooks (usually paired with the name of whatever boy they were interested in at the time).

Names can be very fluid, and can be very significant, in many ways. Children old enough to have an emotional investment in their names should be consulted, and parents who want to make name changes because of concerns about teasing, oddities, spelling and pronunciation issues, implications of a name, etc., need to make those concerns clear to the child. Ideally, a consensus will be reached between parent and child and a name which pleases everyone can be found and used.
 
Old 09-02-2012, 08:31 PM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,591 posts, read 23,151,009 times
Reputation: 48585
That situation is SOOOO hypothetical I can't deal with it.

Something like that hardly ever happens. As a parent I still want to name my children. Mary could be a middle name.

I'm pretty serious about this and it's doubtful that this situation will be mine - or anyone's.

It is a gift to one's child to bestow a name given by her parents. It is a part of parenting. If there was extreme attachment to the family of origin on any level - not just names - I'd RUN! I do not want to co-parent a child.

I think of The Christmas Card Issue a lot. I think my family has as much right to sound like a family as any other and that my children, adopted or not should be named by their parents - not former parents.
 
Old 09-02-2012, 10:29 PM
 
1,191 posts, read 1,419,512 times
Reputation: 2466
When would you (any of you posters) address the issue of name change? During the process of fostering (pre adoption) or after the adoption is finalized? Or some other time?

Sheena - what type of attachment to the family of origin do you mean? How would you know? If you were considering a child you were going to foster to adopt, what would you look for / ask?

Craig -I've actually thought about that too. How often kids play around with their names. Lots of kids I knew growing up (including myself) went through phases of wishing they could change their names and playing around with other options. It's actually fun. I don't think a kid would be overly offended by the mere suggestion.

Last edited by winterbird; 09-02-2012 at 10:36 PM.. Reason: add a thought
 
Old 09-02-2012, 10:50 PM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,591 posts, read 23,151,009 times
Reputation: 48585
Honestly, I want NO attachment to the family of origin. None. I want to adopt children who are ready to move on. In other words I do not want to visit siblings, former moms. dads, grandparents. None of it. I want a closed adoption, which is what I have now.
How would I know? There are visits before the adoption becomes permanent. Often o0n the photo listing it will say - Stephen desires to visit his birth brother and grandmother - prospective parents should be open to this. We are not open to it.

I think that all of this catering to people who have screwed up is KEEPING KIDS FROM BEING ADOPTED!

It's not fashionable to say this but I am not interested in this AT ALL! Nor is my husband. If a child has delusions of being reunited from a parent from whom she was severed legally, that child does not need me.

They need therapy and I think the whole US social service system needs a reality check. THIS is why people such as myself go abroad.

We do not want to share our children or permit potentially unsafe people into our lives.

Look I do not mean to sound cold, but why is it always the adoptive parent who needs to be open to this or that accommodation? We mostly turned to adoption because we could not have a child a second or a third child.
We did not do it as a charity thing.
We are regular families who want to be a certain size and there are children out there who need adoptive parents.

To create a fantasy world for a prospective child, or to accommodate a teenager who has given birth out of wedlock is wrong and counter productive.

Last edited by sheena12; 09-02-2012 at 10:59 PM..
 
Old 09-03-2012, 12:41 AM
 
1,191 posts, read 1,419,512 times
Reputation: 2466
I like the way you think, Sheena. Honestly, we've had similar thoughts but were nervous that we were being selfish and presumptuous.

So, read this.

We've had a sibling group of 3 presented to us. Ages 10 and under. They don't seem to have any issues that would keep them from blending well with our family. They came into the state's custody 2 years ago. The birth mother recently relinquished her rights. And the dad nor any other relatives want the kids. The foster family that they have been with for 2 years, doesn't want to adopt them. However, they want to maintain ties with the kids, and the caseworker is pushing for us to make this happen should we take the kids in.

I do have reservations that after we've done the hard work of helping these children attach, that they may not view us as their 'real' family. I didn't think that I cared if we adopted and the child/ren didn't accept us fully, but as I go along in this process, I think that I do.

I'm particularly puzzled (I guess that's the right word), that these kids go into the foster/adoptive homes stating that when they turn 18 they are going back to their birth mom/dad. Although I do understand the desire to reunite, I wonder how often that emotion changes as the kid grows up?

All of this added to the very odd names that some of these kids present with. Thus the reason for this post...lol
 
Old 09-03-2012, 12:49 AM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,591 posts, read 23,151,009 times
Reputation: 48585
Quote:
Originally Posted by winterbird View Post
I like the way you think, Sheena. Honestly, we've had similar thoughts but were nervous that we were being selfish and presumptuous.

So, read this.

We've had a sibling group of 3 presented to us. Ages 10 and under. They don't seem to have any issues that would keep them from blending well with our family. They came into the state's custody 2 years ago. The birth mother recently relinquished her rights. And the dad nor any other relatives want the kids. The foster family that they have been with for 2 years, doesn't want to adopt them. However, they want to maintain ties with the kids, and the caseworker is pushing for us to make this happen should we take the kids in.

I do have reservations that after we've done the hard work of helping these children attach, that they may not view us as their 'real' family. I didn't think that I cared if we adopted and the child/ren didn't accept us fully, but as I go along in this process, I think that I do.

I'm particularly puzzled (I guess that's the right word), that these kids go into the foster/adoptive homes stating that when they turn 18 they are going back to their birth mom/dad. Although I do understand the desire to reunite, I wonder how often that emotion changes as the kid grows up?

All of this added to the very odd names that some of these kids present with. Thus the reason for this post...lol
Sending you a DM.
 
Old 09-03-2012, 12:54 AM
 
Location: Liberal Coast
4,277 posts, read 5,158,027 times
Reputation: 3889
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
Honestly, I want NO attachment to the family of origin. None. I want to adopt children who are ready to move on. In other words I do not want to visit siblings, former moms. dads, grandparents. None of it. I want a closed adoption, which is what I have now.
How would I know? There are visits before the adoption becomes permanent. Often o0n the photo listing it will say - Stephen desires to visit his birth brother and grandmother - prospective parents should be open to this. We are not open to it.

I think that all of this catering to people who have screwed up is KEEPING KIDS FROM BEING ADOPTED!

It's not fashionable to say this but I am not interested in this AT ALL! Nor is my husband. If a child has delusions of being reunited from a parent from whom she was severed legally, that child does not need me.

They need therapy and I think the whole US social service system needs a reality check. THIS is why people such as myself go abroad.

We do not want to share our children or permit potentially unsafe people into our lives.

Look I do not mean to sound cold, but why is it always the adoptive parent who needs to be open to this or that accommodation? We mostly turned to adoption because we could not have a child a second or a third child.
We did not do it as a charity thing.
We are regular families who want to be a certain size and there are children out there who need adoptive parents.

To create a fantasy world for a prospective child, or to accommodate a teenager who has given birth out of wedlock is wrong and counter productive.
This is one, of many, reasons we will not adopt out of foster care.
 
Old 09-03-2012, 08:10 AM
 
1,191 posts, read 1,419,512 times
Reputation: 2466
I'm beginning to understand that position, psr13.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Closed Thread

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting > Adoption
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 08:18 PM.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top