changing child's name (birth mother, options, parents, foster care)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Adoption is NOT being "dumped with a bunch of strangers," Your contempt for the way that I and others have built out family is hurtful.
I have no contempt for how you have built your family. But it isn't about you and that's what you don't seem to understand and I wonder if you even care. I'm trying to make you understand what it's like for the child but that doesn't seem to be part of your calculation at all. For a 12-year old who is being placed with a new family it IS like being dumped with a bunch of strangers. Do you not understand that? It's very difficult to be a child and be put in a home with new people and new everything. It's a lot to get used to. I know, I've been there. It can be quite painful and for some kids it's a loss of what they had. Losing their name, which is a large part of our identity, is just another loss and I think it sends a message to the child that she's not okay the way she is but she has to change for the new family. If you're adopting a 2-year old then fine, change her name. But if you're adopting a 12-year old you have to respect the child as an individual and forcing a name change is disrespectful.
Do you even care how the child experiences things?
I'm not sure what mythical twelve year old named "Shampain", you think I am poised to adopt.
When we add a child to our family our door opens and the door to the other family shuts.
If a twelve year old child from America wants to join our family, and we want them to join ours, we would discuss at length the type of family we are. Naming is important to us. Giving a person a name has long been the province of parents. In ancient times, peoples names changed frequently, when their direction in life changed. At twelve, this mythical child would need to want to be adopted by us. We would not adopt a child who was still attached to his or her family of origin.
I child adopted by us would be saying "good bye" to many things, neglect or abuse would be two. But their would be others. Fast food, meat, prepared in our home, too much television, and more. No we don't eat meat.
They would be saying hello to fresh wholesome vegetarian foods, museums, family trips, foreign travel, ballet class, sports, sleepawy camp, family camping,hiking and the library.
Have you adopted a child, Lizita? Are you interested in adopting one?
I have adopted one and I am in the process of adopting several more. They are not from this country because it seems that these issues are less of a problem when one adopts internationally. They are also younger than twelve.
I have hosted many children from eastern Europe and none of them complained about my cooking, our activities or anything of the sort. One boy who we advocated for, along with his sister, asked what his name would be in American. We told him through the translator. He said he didn't like it and asked for another name.
I asked why he didn't like it through the translator, and he said "my name has bad memories for me."
How sad.
Lizita, how about you take No Kudzo's advice and agree to disagree? You are not going to "make me understand" anything. Don't worry about the children I adopt. Instead, why don't you think about adopting a child or two yourself? There are so many languishing in US Foster Care and in orphanages abroad.
I have no contempt for how you have built your family. But it isn't about you and that's what you don't seem to understand and I wonder if you even care. I'm trying to make you understand what it's like for the child but that doesn't seem to be part of your calculation at all. For a 12-year old who is being placed with a new family it IS like being dumped with a bunch of strangers. Do you not understand that? It's very difficult to be a child and be put in a home with new people and new everything. It's a lot to get used to. I know, I've been there. It can be quite painful and for some kids it's a loss of what they had. Losing their name, which is a large part of our identity, is just another loss and I think it sends a message to the child that she's not okay the way she is but she has to change for the new family. If you're adopting a 2-year old then fine, change her name. But if you're adopting a 12-year old you have to respect the child as an individual and forcing a name change is disrespectful.
Do you even care how the child experiences things?
Apparently these people got through life and med school just fine being named Brandee, Shaniqua or Bentley.
They aren't necessarily "dumped with strangers." If you do international adoption, you have many, many visits with the child/children before you even go to court to be granted custody. In some countries, you spend up to six or seven weeks with the children before even coming back to the U.S. You often do with foster/adopt, too. Often there are a number of get together times before the child/children are placed in your home.
Quite interesting debate, overwhelming at the times, I must admit...it prompted me to look up how is this regulated in my home country...
I have my opinion about this of course, and I think in the case of a very very young child/baby ,adoptive parents choosing a name seems natural and most countries regulate this..however that said, older children should have a say in the name changing attempt...
Following that thought, I did look up the Family Law of my home country that regulates adoption, and it clearly states child that is 12 years of age has a last say to his first name change( we do not practise second names much).
That sounds reasonable to me.
I did also found interesting detail concerning birth cert., 12 year old being adopted, also have a last say if they want their adoptive parents to be signed in the record as his/her parents.
Also by law, all prospective adopting parents are introduced to the law, that requires them to tell the child at the age of 7, that they have been adopted.
Is there anything like this in the States, or does it differ from state to state?
Last edited by DesertKate; 09-02-2012 at 07:08 AM..
There are really no hard and fast laws in the US. I can;t imagine anyone not telling their child that they were adopted though. It's there right to know.
Yeah I agree, I don't think there should be any secrets or stigma surrounding adoption. There is nothing shameful about the many ways people choose to expand their families.
So you are saying couple or adoptive mother/father has no legal obligation to tell a child he or she has been adopted? In this case law applies to all ages..obviously older child is aware it's being adopted.
What is the reasoning behind this?I find it well different to say at least...what is the purpose of not letting a child know if you don't mind me asking?Or is it better to ask what is being gained or lost in your opinion, if child is being told of his or hers adoption?Or is it merely left to parents discretion?Just different school of thought I suppose?
I looked at the law back again, and it is one of the very first tenants of the law...It is their right(under rights and obligations) to know they have been adopted, and when they turn 18, have a right to look up their file.
Well sure, you CAN choose your child's name if you like. For the record we changed both of our kids' names when we adopted them, but they were infants. But, I do think it is strange and frankly wrong to change an older child's name without their input. If your newly adopted 12yr old has been called Sam his whole life and you immediately inform him that his name is now Peter without his input...well that's your right I guess as his parent but that doesn't make it right.
Exactly, an older child has become used to the name. If they want to change it, fine. An older child being adopted is already going through so many changes, I don't think forcing or pressuring a name change is a good idea.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
