Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
In the United States in the 50s - 80s adoption was a shameful thing.
In some cultures it still is. In the US they were often not told that they were adopted. When they found out, sometimes it was by accident - looking through a desk and coming across some paper work and being horrified that their parents were not there "real" parents and that they were not their parents "real children'
Social Workers and adoption agencies went to great lengths to match children to their adoptive families, putting children who physically resembled their prospective parents together, in effort to hide the fact.
Birth Certificates were changed and reissued with the name of the adoptive parents replacing those of the birth parents.
BTW I do not have my daughter's first birth certificate. I have the one issued to me with my daughter's name and my husband's and my names.
We do not know the names of her birth parents. In our case we don't have any interest in searching for them, so it is not a big deal.
BTW There is actually a book "Real Parents, Real Children, Real Families" I have never read it but I know it's from the adoptive family point of view.
We adoptive families are also frequently attacked as not being "real" "normal" or "natural".
Sheena, I know you feel it is no big deal but what if your daughter had been different and wanted to search or wants to do so later?
Often, the extent of curiosity by an adoptee is a personal thing and is not a reflection on their APs parenting.
If you do adopt an oldrer child who has memories of their bparents and bfamily, how will you handle that?
(Sheena) Birth Certificates were changed and reissued with the name of the adoptive parents replacing those of the birth parents.
They still are and, as pointed out earlier, the majority of US adoptees will never get to see their original birth certificate.
Last edited by susankate; 09-13-2012 at 05:42 PM..
With the world "real", I don't like it when it is used to specify either lot of parents as opposed to the other.
Having said that, often when people use the word "real" when asking about bparents, it is normally a terminology thing so if it bothers anyone when someone uses it, they should just gently reply to that person by replacing "real" with their word of choice.
I have more of a problem with people making statements telling the adoptee who their "real" parents are. It is the adoptees (in fact, any person's) own business whom they consider their real parents.
I consider all my mothers and fathers to be "real" mothers and fathers. I refuse to have anyone else tell me whom I should consider my real parents.
However, I have also noticed that often when it comes to killers in the press, it is often the killer's APs who will be the first to point out that their son is adopted because they don't want anyone to think that he is related to them by blood.
That's also true. ( can anyone believe how well this discourse is going?)
However, as a mother, I treat the actions of both of my children with equal responsibility and equal detachment.
They are not little clones of me or DH. They are their own people, who are the responsibility of their own actions.
I have met parents both biological and adopted who minimise their children's mistakes, clean up their messes, and maximize their accomplishments to the point of idolatry. This is not good parenting.
It is toxic and creates selfish, and narcissistic adults.
Conversely, I have met parentss - of both types whose poor kids can do nothing right.
With the world "real", I don't like it when it is used to specify either lot of parents as opposed to the other.
Having said that, often when people use the word "real" when asking about bparents, it is normally a terminology thing so if it bothers anyone when someone uses it, they should just gently reply to that person by replacing "real" with their word of choice.
I have more of a problem with people making statements telling the adoptee who their "real" parents are. It is the adoptees (in fact, any person's) own business whom they consider their real parents.
I consider all my mothers and fathers to be "real" mothers and fathers. I refuse to have anyone else tell me whom I should consider my real parents.
Nimchimpsky - all but 9 US states have sealed records which means that the vast majority of US adoptees have no access to their original birth certificates. In some cases, a person can get them if it is a case of medical emergency or they have a genetic disease that it may be important for the other party to know (I know a couple of adoptees who were able to have their records unsealed for this reason).
Kansas and Alaska have never sealed their records but the majority of states sealed them in the 50s to "protect" adoptive parents from supposed interference by birthparents.
I know every single piece of information that's listed on my original birth certificate, but because I was born in a state that seals records, I can't get a copy of it. No, I don't *need* it -- but I'd really like the official record of who I used to be. (If that makes sense ..... )
I know every single piece of information that's listed on my original birth certificate, but because I was born in a state that seals records, I can't get a copy of it. No, I don't *need* it -- but I'd really like the official record of who I used to be. (If that makes sense ..... )
It's just irritating, ya know?
I don't know much about domestic adoption, did or do your adoptive parents receive copies of these records? In our international adoptions I received a huge stack of information on each of our children including hospital records, police reports, photographs, and an original birth certificate. In my son's case we even have a letter that his birth mother wrote to him. I will share all this information with my kids as they get older, saving the harder parts (that police report) for when they are old enough to understand. My daughter was abandoned so I don't have a lot to give her but I'll gladly give my kids copies of everything I do have.
Sheena, I know you feel it is no big deal but what if your daughter had been different and wanted to search or wants to do so later?
Often, the extent of curiosity by an adoptee is a personal thing and is not a reflection on their APs parenting.
If you do adopt an oldrer child who has memories of their bparents and bfamily, how will you handle that?
(Sheena) Birth Certificates were changed and reissued with the name of the adoptive parents replacing those of the birth parents.
They still are and, as pointed out earlier, the majority of US adoptees will never get to see their original birth certificate.
I am adopting older children and your question is a good one. Since they entered into adoption because their parents (mother) was deprived of parental rights, I do not think my not so soon to be children are going to be seeking reunification. I don't feel comfortable divulging too much - it's their information after all, and not mine.
I will let them vent if they want, I will not speak negatively about the birth mother. When I read the paperwork, ( I haven't yet and since nothing is set in stone yet, it's not my legal right to do so) but if there is anything with reference to abuse or neglect, and given the circumstances, I can expect that, I am sure that I will be angry. I am angry whenever I read about child abuse.
However, it is not for me to vilify this woman. There are some evil people in this world. I believe that. And my hope is that this woman is not one of them.
Truley evil people are few and far between so I'm not expecting that.
What counts as "neglect and abuse" in these foreign countries, is very different than what does in the US.
A child can have two outfits, one pair of shoes and three could share a bed - that would be OK, as long as the house was clean and neat and the kids were fed.
Being fed, means nothing fancy. It can be a watery porridge and tea for breakfast, cabbage soup and bread for lunch. And potatoes and bread for dinner.
When they come to the attention of the authorities, it is most usually because there is no food in the home, substance abuse, they are being left alone for long periods of time or they have begged for food and missed a lot of school.
Physical and sexual abuse is also a possibility, but physical discipline as punishment is more accepted their than here,
I can say that when I do meet them, It will the facilitator who will tell me if they are desiring contact with anyone. If it's an elderly grandmother or someone like that, I'd be open to sending pictures and exchanging cards and very small gifts. I would not be open to flying her to the US or to traveling to visit her. Even if I wanted to, I don't have that kind of money.
If this is what they want and are expecting, we would not be the family for these kids.
In that country, a year must have elapsed without contact from blood relatives before they can be placed on the data base, i.e. available for adoption.
This is the most honest and best answer I can give. I don't want an open adoption, but I will never say anything disrespectful about their family of origin.
Last edited by sheena12; 09-13-2012 at 07:42 PM..
Reason: cleaned up slopppy typos
I don't know much about domestic adoption, did or do your adoptive parents receive copies of these records? In our international adoptions I received a huge stack of information on each of our children including hospital records, police reports, photographs, and an original birth certificate. In my son's case we even have a letter that his birth mother wrote to him. I will share all this information with my kids as they get older, saving the harder parts (that police report) for when they are old enough to understand. My daughter was abandoned so I don't have a lot to give her but I'll gladly give my kids copies of everything I do have.
Nope -- the records were sealed up tight, even though it was an open adoption. I have a copy of my amended birth certificate, but that's it.
It really doesn't matter at this point but, as I said, it would be nice to have a copy of the original paperwork.
I don't know much about domestic adoption, did or do your adoptive parents receive copies of these records? In our international adoptions I received a huge stack of information on each of our children including hospital records, police reports, photographs, and an original birth certificate. In my son's case we even have a letter that his birth mother wrote to him. I will share all this information with my kids as they get older, saving the harder parts (that police report) for when they are old enough to understand. My daughter was abandoned so I don't have a lot to give her but I'll gladly give my kids copies of everything I do have.
This is why when I've been on other forums with new adoptive parents, we adoptees remind them to get a copy of the original birth certificate BEFORE finalisation as they or their child will not be able to get a copy once finalisation has taken place.
Interesting. I think everyone should be able to obtain whatever records exist, it is after all YOUR record.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
) 
Can anyone believe this?"???
)
