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Old 09-27-2012, 01:21 PM
 
1,458 posts, read 2,224,410 times
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Brief background: I placed a child for adoption almost ten years ago. The father and I are no longer in contact. It was done through a private agency, with the understanding (written, by me, and presumably put in the files) that I would be available in case of any medical or other profound need. The agency also encouraged all birthmoms to write a letter and include a picture, that would be given to the child at the discretion of the adoptive parents.

Now, my bio son is only 9, and so this is purely wondering. Do many, or most, or few, adoptees in 'modern' adoption situations seek out their birth families? Does anyone even have numbers?

It is odd, the knowing that someday, I may meet him. Or not.

I do want to make crystal clear that this goes no farther than my mind. Since midpregnancy, I was completely respectful of the fact that this couple (that I chose, after quite a lot of time together) are his parents. In recent years, I've learned that is not an unalloyed good, but that is neither here nor there.

I am a little apprehensive that I may not be welcome here, in this forum full of adoptive parents and adoptees.
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Old 09-27-2012, 01:32 PM
 
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Of course you are welcome here. However, I don't know the answer to your question. There may be others that have some data. It seems to me that children search for the parents more than the other way around, but that could just be my perception. I think in recent years, it has gotten easier with reunion databases, etc. In another 10 years, the landscape will probably be different again. You are his parent too.

Here's an interesting link:

http://www.americanadoptioncongress....form_myths.php

Some interesting stats on this site.

Last edited by Marymarym; 09-27-2012 at 01:41 PM.. Reason: Added link
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Old 09-27-2012, 01:44 PM
 
393 posts, read 504,810 times
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Rohirette,

I doubt you will find any statistics on the percentage who may seek knowledge.

What you can do is sign a consent form / waiver with the state he was born in to allow him to have access to his original birth certificate and any other identifying information they hold. I think you look for the adoption unit at the department of families and children (whatever version your state calls this department). Most states restrict access to the adopted adult, by signing consent/waiver IF he requests the info he will receive it.

Did that make sense? Just google your "state+access to adoption records by adult adoptee" or versions of that to find the state agency in charge.

You also should be able to place a letter in his file with the state and update his family health history.

Do the same with the agency that you went through if applicable - sign waivers/consents etc.
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Old 09-27-2012, 01:56 PM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
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What was the arrangement when you talked to his adoptive parents? Did you agree he could see his file when he was 18 or before? As an adoptive parent I think I would have a problem with a young child like this boy having access to his information. I think if you have not been a part of his life, it would be confusing and counter productive for him to start having access to this information. At some point every kid wishes he has different parents, fantasizes about a new home or new set of parents and circumstances.

I think it would be wonderful if you wrote a letter to him to include in his file so that when and if he chooses to seek you out he will be aware that you tried to update your personal information and you were thinking abouthim all through his life.

I can only speak for myself but I have nothing but good feelings for the birth mothers of my 3 adopted children. After all, they gave us the best gift possible- a complete family and an opportunity to parent wonderful children.
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Old 09-27-2012, 02:04 PM
 
203 posts, read 200,377 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rohirette View Post
I do want to make crystal clear that this goes no farther than my mind. Since midpregnancy, I was completely respectful of the fact that this couple (that I chose, after quite a lot of time together) are his parents. In recent years, I've learned that is not an unalloyed good, but that is neither here nor there.
You are also his parent. You are his mother. No need to qualify or explain yourself.

I'm an older adoptee who did search. Not sure about my younger counterparts. I am close friends with some adoptees in their early 20s who searched. There are so many factors in what may, or may not, lead us to search. Artful Dodger made some wonderful suggestions. As an adoptee, I would suggest doing what you can to make sure that he can find you if he eventually feels that this is something he needs to do. The laws do not make it easy for us to search for our natural parents. It is illegal for us to view our non-falsified birth certificates in most states. I would research the laws in the state(s) where your son was born and adopted.

As you wrote in your original post, while your son is a minor, everything is at the adoptive parents discretion. Eventually, your son will be old enough to make decisions for himself regarding what, or who, he would like to know. If you are open and willing to connect with him again, there are steps you can take to make it easier for both of you to reconnect.
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Old 09-27-2012, 02:24 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
What was the arrangement when you talked to his adoptive parents? Did you agree he could see his file when he was 18 or before? As an adoptive parent I think I would have a problem with a young child like this boy having access to his information. I think if you have not been a part of his life, it would be confusing and counter productive for him to start having access to this information.
The arrangement was that they would share the information when they felt it was appropriate, but I did not put an age limit on anything (not that it would have been meaningful if I had.) I can only assume that they'll determine at what point he is mature enough for the details. Likely that would be after age 18.

If anything I wrote seemed to indicate that he was to be given specifics during childhood, then I expressed myself poorly.
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Old 09-27-2012, 02:26 PM
 
1,458 posts, read 2,224,410 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Artful Dodger View Post

What you can do is sign a consent form / waiver with the state he was born in to allow him to have access to his original birth certificate and any other identifying information they hold. I think you look for the adoption unit at the department of families and children (whatever version your state calls this department). Most states restrict access to the adopted adult, by signing consent/waiver IF he requests the info he will receive it.
Thank you. I will take these steps.
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Old 09-27-2012, 02:44 PM
 
1,014 posts, read 986,783 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gcm7189 View Post
You are also his parent. You are his mother. No need to qualify or explain yourself.
This.

& you are more than welcome here by me. I think you can add an important voice to many of these discussions if you wish. If not, that's okay too. Here is my experience as an adoptee:

My mother wrote me a letter & gave the agency photos I was supposed to receive when I turned eighteen. For some reason the agency did not keep a copy of the letter & my adoptive parents were given the original instead. Because they decided they did not want me to have anything from my biological family until after I turned 18 it was sadly lost.

I did not have an interest in connecting with my biological family for a long time -- I think I was closed off to it due to the lack of information/contact & worried deep down that no one wanted to know me. When I found out I had an older sister who searched for me her entire life & our father (who raised her) also wanted contact, my feelings changed & I opened up to the idea of meeting the rest of my family.

The first time I saw a photograph of my mother I was in my early twenties -- it was the most amazing thing to finally see her face, something I often wondered about as a child. Meeting my father & sister was surreal. People who looked like me, acted like me... yet they were from so far away.

I am now very close with my sister, have spent time with my father/paternal side of the family & have been in contact with my mother via phone/email & met my maternal grandmother.
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Old 09-27-2012, 03:04 PM
 
95 posts, read 62,386 times
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This might sound a bit crazy, but I found some of my adoption file that stated my parents are deceased. I am thinking of consulting a medium to see if this is true. I am in search of my family, but there are more questions than answers.

The site I referred to says 95% of contacted birthparents wanted reunion. I think that's meaningful.
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Old 09-27-2012, 03:09 PM
 
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Hi, Rohirette!

Welcome! You asked for numbers. I am part of a group of over 2000 adoptees in Quebec alone. Similar groups exist in every state/province. There are many more adoptees who are as yet unaware of these support groups, who are invariably glad to learn of them.

Also, there are many reunion registries online with hundreds of thousands of family members looking for each other. This is a colossal waste of everyone's time. Yet we do, because we must.

Statistics indicate that only a small percentage of birth relatives don't want to be found. 5 to 10, to be exact. This is completely understandable- to those who understand, of course, and it tells us that something is wrong with the system.

I am happily reunited with six siblings on my mother's side, still looking for 3 more on my father's side. After 30 years! In fact, my father's probably not even alive anymore. My adoptive father died 20 years ago, yet I still can't get information? Nothing remotely right about that. "Relinquishing rights" doesn't change DNA. We are who we are. Not who we are made.
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