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Okay so this is a bit of a vent, but also an educational thread for anyone who may not know. Let me start off first by saying that I am very open in this forum about my adoption and history, but I don't feel comfortable talking about it in person with people I've just met. I'm open here because I know people are looking for answers or are interested in the topic, so I feel comfortable to share. However, I don't really share much about my adoptive background in real life, and this would be a perfect example of why.
Yesterday, I had a wonderful time with a friend of mine (let's call her Joanne). We went for a bike ride. The path was smooth, the weather was beautiful. It was awesome. Then we had dinner with her parents. I met them for the first time last night. I knew I'd be under the spotlight because I just went bike-riding and they didn't think a blind person could bike, so I was prepared for them to have questions. But I wasn't expecting this. At some point my friend mentioned to her parents that I'm adopted from Russia. So what does Joanne's mother bring up at dinner? She said this, word-for-word, I kid you not:
Mother: How old were you when you were adopted?
Me: Three and a half.
Mother: I heard that a lot of Russian orphans have that syndrome...what's it called...I thought she was going to say Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, but nope--Attachment Disorders. Is that true? I heard that they get left in cribs all day and don't get touched enough, leading to serious attachment issues.
Me: [sitting there like OMFG-WTF-just-happened-did-she-really-just-ask-me-that] She then went on for the next fifteen minutes or so telling the whole dinner table about all the awful things she's read about Russian orphanages, interrupting her spiel regularly with "Is that true, Nim?"
I just about wanted to die.
I didn't tell her myself I was adopted, so it's not like I opened up myself to her questioning. My friend told her beforehand, which I don't mind at all, generally-speaking, but I had no idea that her mother would react like this. Worse yet is that my friend didn't even seem to understand why it would be so humiliating for me, and said something along the lines of "Well Nim seems to have adjusted well." I would agree with that but it doesn't change the fact that I have direct memories of some of the horrors her mom mentioned and she was completely rehashing those for me, right there, at the dinner table.
Then she switched the topic to Bulgarian orphans who were abandoned in this documentary. She didn't outwardly say "because they're blind" but now I see that was probably her mental connection to me since the documentary talks about some of those orphans being abandoned for no other reason than the fact they're blind.
The worst part is everything she said is true. I just felt so put on the spot and humiliated and like my boundaries were completely invaded. It's one thing for me to open up when I feel comfortable, but it's another thing to pry, especially in such detail, when you've just met someone.
So if you meet someone who tells you they're adopted, the appropriate response is to say something like "Oh, that's cool" or "That's interesting" or maybe even ask something not-too-personal like "Oh, where from?" The appropriate thing to do is NOT to ask extremely personal questions about orphanage memories, or even (in the case of adoptees who were adopted at birth) "Why did your parents adopt?" or "Why did your bio mom put you up for adoption?" etc. Those questions are too personal when you have just met someone. Also, just because someone seems to be well-adjusted, do not assume that bringing up very sensitive topics won't be distressing, or at the very least, awkward for them. It's best to let the adopted person take the lead in other words, let them open up about whatever they feel comfortable sharing.
I think what happened to you at this social event sucked.
I also think sometimes we forget that the things are friends may have shared with us in an open manner, are not then automatically available for public discourse with anyone else.
One of my best friends is adopted, he and I may talk about it, and joke around that he could be my brother. But I try to remember not to discuss it in front of anyone else.
That's true. I wish Joanne hadn't told her parents so much about me and had let me tell them on my own time. She told them about my history of abuse, which I also don't discuss openly with most people IRL, even though I discuss it on these forums. I told Joanne because she had shared some personal experiences with me, so I felt like she would be able to relate (and I was right). But her parents are another story. So far they have already judged me unfairly several times so they are not the kind of people I want to open up to.
That's horrible. I am sorry that that happened to you.
As a parent I've been grilled about my daughter's background and what type or a woman the woman who birthed her is.
It's none of their business. That is her information.
I have too, but never in that much detail. I've gotten questions like "Do you remember the orphanage?" but never had someone actually list the conditions and ask me one by one if they're true. It was so over-the-top invasive.
I felt like I couldn't say "it's none of your business" because it was her parents and I was trying to make a good impression and be polite.
Nim, I can only imagine how uncomfortable this evening was for you. Rest assured this woman would probably be just as offensive to anybody she encountered and not just because you are adopted. She sounds like she has no sense of decency or personal boundaries and you just happened to be her target. Some people simply don't know when they have crossed the line.
When my oldest daughter was young, many people used to ask me the most personal questions. I used to say:
"We don't know a lot but what we do know is her story to share if she feels appropriate. So you'll just have to ask her when she is older and let her decide how to handle your inquiries."
Believe m it took a lot of practice in front of the mirror to get my technique down pat. I am a people pleaser and very non confrontational but I just got a belly full of the most horrible questions and statements so I had to come up with a pretty standard response. This worked well for me.
Interestingly, with our subsequent adoptions 18 years later, we have had not one inappropriate question or inquiry. I attribute this to our move out of georgia and to a very progressive community in NC and more international adoptions all around the country. May be people just have better manners now.
I have friends who have no clue even who my parents are. I would not disclose if I were adopted unless the friend were a close family friend. Why invite others to question your heritage. I feel badly that you were disrespected like this in a group setting....but perhaps just don't share this fact as openly anymore, unless you are in an arena where it is relevant.
Oh my, I would not be happy about that conversation at the dinner table at all, maybe I'd answer a few questions in general and then change the subject to something less invasive such as the weather or the food, lol (even politics, ha (j/k about that)). Seriously though, Im sure the woman meant well but bottom line, it was none of her business and she went too far, it's one thing for you to volunteer info but another for her to be intrusive about it. Your friend probably unknowingly mentioned certain things to her parents in passing, not realizing she was not doing you any favors by not keeping personal things private, she too c/h changed the subject when it headed in the direction it was going, she may be very open with her parents but they're not your parents and what you told her s/h stayed private w/o your explicitly telling her. On a personal note, I have a well-meaning friend who lately Ive noticed tends to be a middleman w/ myself and another cyberfriend (none of us have met), telling me what the other person meant when it s/h just been left alone (if I mentioned something in passing which obviously i shoudlnlt have and wouldnt any more, at this point I dont even know if we'll be in touch in the future (via email), it'll be very casual if we do even though the 3 of us have a lot in common), who knows what she tells the other person (im sure she means well) but it's disappointing as we've been cyberfriends for a long time but nothing like what you endured yesterday. Sometimes there's just too many 'cooks', no matter how well meaning, I just don't need the aggravation and I'm sure you didnt either (who does?), you were there to relax and have a good time after a fun day and I can see where it quickly fizzled, I guess I'd be honest w/ your friend about how unexpected the conversation was (she may not have thought twice about it but needs to see it from your eyes), hopefully she'll understand and next time you get together, it'll be more relaxed and friendly and a lot less personal, the mother prob. meant well but was waaay too pushy and I wouldnt like it either, esp. not during a first meeting (and maybe never).
Seriously though, Im sure the woman meant well but
Quote:
Originally Posted by Honeycrip
the mother prob. meant well but was waaay too pushy and I wouldnt like it either, esp. not during a first meeting (and maybe never).
Why are you sure that this woman meant well? I am not. In fact, I feel that she is as likely to have meant ill as well. It takes an insensitive and selfish person to plough on through the way the OP described, across topics both intensely personal and at length, no doubt ignoring the discomfort that she was causing.
That's true. I wish Joanne hadn't told her parents so much about me and had let me tell them on my own time. She told them about my history of abuse, which I also don't discuss openly with most people IRL, even though I discuss it on these forums. I told Joanne because she had shared some personal experiences with me, so I felt like she would be able to relate (and I was right). But her parents are another story. So far they have already judged me unfairly several times so they are not the kind of people I want to open up to.
Could it be your friend knows her parents are insensitive and wanted to possible avoid an awkward situation (and instead helped make an even worse one)?
Sort of like my daughter's boyfriend neglected to tell his elderly grandmother that my daughter is of mixed race so when she meet my daughter she blurted out "I didn't know you were chinky"? She was mortified as soon as she said it and someone mentioning it to his grandmother before hand might have avoided the whole situation.
Anyway, yes, adoption is personal, I think some people treat it very factually in an attempt to take away and lingering stigma, but that does not mean the details should be bandied about.
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