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Old 10-25-2012, 03:55 PM
 
509 posts, read 483,240 times
Reputation: 747

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Quote:
Originally Posted by lkb0714 View Post
Tiffjoy

I am not an adoptee or AP but I just wanted to thank you for posting here as it lets me know that not all APs are draconian, controlling, and are adopting for the right reasons.

Your daughter is lucky to have such a sensitive, secure mother.
Thank you very much, lbk. I feel that I'm the lucky one to have both of my daughters.
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Old 10-25-2012, 03:59 PM
 
Location: Canada
7 posts, read 5,602 times
Reputation: 16
Quote:
You have every right to reject the people who raised you (if that's what you did, I don't know) in favor of a woman who carried you for nine months.
Why do you assume that an adoptee who has chosen to call the birthparents by a familial title must have had to reject the parents who raised him/her?

EDIT: I've never, ever heard of someone using the term "birth person" for... anything... outside of adoption-related issues. Ever. Is that even official terminology recognized by the law?
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Old 10-25-2012, 06:11 PM
 
1,097 posts, read 1,728,742 times
Reputation: 1590
Perhaps the OP doesn't realize how diminishing/dismissive "birth woman" is as a term - or not.

The need to dismiss/diminish other people's roles in a child's life on the part of an adoptive parent appears to demonstrate a need to exclude any possible lingering attachment to any family who came B4 the adoptive parents as feeling, caring human beings. I guess some people just feel the need to point out how much better they are by putting others down, like an angry divorced parent might choose to refer to an ex- spouse as "that woman" instead of "your mother".

And no innocent "technically" arguments either.

"Technically" there are other mothers who don't get to raise their children. A mother who dies in childbirth - mothers of stillborn children. Are they then just birth women because "all" they did was conceive, carry & birth a child & not "parent" it? I imagine many would find that cruel.

Parenting starts when a woman discovers she is pregnant. It last however long it lasts. 2 weeks or 80 years. Someone can choose to pass that role to someone else, or have it taken away from them; but without having it to begin with, that could not happen. When it does, it may be because they were a horrible parent or a loving parent, but parents they were.
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Old 10-25-2012, 07:51 PM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,591 posts, read 23,151,009 times
Reputation: 48585
Perhaps you do not realize how homering and special the words "mother" and "father" are. Or the words parents. We think of the words as both nouns and verbs.

Since I am a supporter of planned parenthood, both the concept and the organization, and I think that all children have the right to be planned and longed for, I do not think that a night of sex makes a family or a parent.

Sometimes it makes a baby though.

The woman who birthed our daughter, just is not a member of our family. Others should do what works for them. This works for all of us.

I think that she made a responsible and intelligent choice. She put her education first and was not yet ready to be a parent or a wife. She did not want her schooling to be interrupted.
We have a huge amount of respect for her assessment of her ability to parent at that time. She knew she wasn't ready and she did not let the boyfriend tell her what to do. She went ahead with her dreams and I wish this woman a good life, weather she became a mother later on or not. She strikes me as a level headed woman.
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Old 10-25-2012, 08:04 PM
 
Location: Canada
7 posts, read 5,602 times
Reputation: 16
Quote:
Since I am a supporter of planned parenthood, both the concept and the organization, and I think that all children have the right to be planned and longed for, I do not think that a night of sex makes a family or a parent.
They should be. Unfortunately, many babies are born as the result of accidental pregnancies.
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Old 10-25-2012, 08:22 PM
 
16,568 posts, read 14,024,069 times
Reputation: 20523
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
Perhaps you do not realize how homering and special the words "mother" and "father" are. Or the words parents. We think of the words as both nouns and verbs.

Since I am a supporter of planned parenthood, both the concept and the organization, and I think that all children have the right to be planned and longed for, I do not think that a night of sex makes a family or a parent.

Sometimes it makes a baby though.

The woman who birthed our daughter, just is not a member of our family. Others should do what works for them. This works for all of us.

I think that she made a responsible and intelligent choice. She put her education first and was not yet ready to be a parent or a wife. She did not want her schooling to be interrupted.
We have a huge amount of respect for her assessment of her ability to parent at that time. She knew she wasn't ready and she did not let the boyfriend tell her what to do. She went ahead with her dreams and I wish this woman a good life, weather she became a mother later on or not. She strikes me as a level headed woman.
No she isn't a member of YOUR family. She might be a member of your daughters family and the only one with the RIGHT to make that decision is NOT you. And that decision can be made and changed at any point any you will have no say.
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Old 10-25-2012, 08:58 PM
 
12 posts, read 17,485 times
Reputation: 38
I am not an adoptee or an adoptive parent. However, I am the single mother of an 8 week old baby that I very seriously considered giving up for adoption. I have to admit that so many threads I read on adoptive websites that were so harsh towards the woman who gave birth to the adopted child helped make up my mind. I am 30 years old, I have a successful career, I have two beautiful older children who are in gifted and talented and happy. I didn't ask for the man I created my 8 week old with to walk away from us. I considered adoption because I wondered if I could give her everything she deserved and needed.

It wasn't because I was a bad person and had I made the choice to give her up I would hope her adoptive parents could have seen it was because I loved her so much and wanted better for her than what I felt I could provide. I would have been so hurt if I had chosen parents for her who then coined me nothing more than a "birth person"

In the end I decided to parent. It is not a decision I regret. Unfortunately myself and other mothers in my position read things like this and it turns you off to even considering the option of adoption.
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Old 10-25-2012, 09:08 PM
 
509 posts, read 483,240 times
Reputation: 747
Quote:
Originally Posted by SweetBabyKate View Post
I am not an adoptee or an adoptive parent. However, I am the single mother of an 8 week old baby that I very seriously considered giving up for adoption. I have to admit that so many threads I read on adoptive websites that were so harsh towards the woman who gave birth to the adopted child helped make up my mind. I am 30 years old, I have a successful career, I have two beautiful older children who are in gifted and talented and happy. I didn't ask for the man I created my 8 week old with to walk away from us. I considered adoption because I wondered if I could give her everything she deserved and needed.

It wasn't because I was a bad person and had I made the choice to give her up I would hope her adoptive parents could have seen it was because I loved her so much and wanted better for her than what I felt I could provide. I would have been so hurt if I had chosen parents for her who then coined me nothing more than a "birth person"

In the end I decided to parent. It is not a decision I regret. Unfortunately myself and other mothers in my position read things like this and it turns you off to even considering the option of adoption.
I'm sorry you had to see this. Words can really hurt, and I don't think we are cautious enough with them.

I'm an adoptive mom. I can't imagine trying to make a difficult choice like yours. I love my daughter's other mom, and I know had her circumstances been different, she would have been a wonderful parent. I still consider her my daughter's mother, with no qualifiers.

Pregnancies are certainly not always planned, even for married couples with children already! Don't let the judgement of others get to you.

You are right at the stage I could live with forever- 8 weeks. Soak up that little baby, mama. You are amazing. Single mamas rock in my book.
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Old 10-25-2012, 09:39 PM
 
12 posts, read 17,485 times
Reputation: 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by tiffjoy View Post
I'm sorry you had to see this. Words can really hurt, and I don't think we are cautious enough with them.

I'm an adoptive mom. I can't imagine trying to make a difficult choice like yours. I love my daughter's other mom, and I know had her circumstances been different, she would have been a wonderful parent. I still consider her my daughter's mother, with no qualifiers.

Pregnancies are certainly not always planned, even for married couples with children already! Don't let the judgement of others get to you.

You are right at the stage I could live with forever- 8 weeks. Soak up that little baby, mama. You are amazing. Single mamas rock in my book.
Thank you TiffJoy. I certainly love her!
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Old 10-25-2012, 10:09 PM
 
1,097 posts, read 1,728,742 times
Reputation: 1590
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
Perhaps you do not realize how homering and special the words "mother" and "father" are. Or the words parents. We think of the words as both nouns and verbs.
""



The thread title & OPost don't address what adoptive parents want to be called. If so, there would be no large disagreement. It is rather an adoptive parent suggesting everyone strip the terms mother or parent from the birth mother, I imagine because they don't deserve it & the adoptive parent does.

As such, it's a deliberate means of dis-honoring a person. It turns adoption into a contest. It is an unnecessary focus on personal emotional semantics which attempts to strip any honor at all from people that played roles in a child's life B4 adoptive parents entry on the scene.

Yes, anyone on a personal level, can call anyone whatever they want. My personal level is to call birth mothers/parents just that. They both mothered and parented a child at birth & before. To me, it diminishes adoptive parents not one iota to do so. Plus it gives dignity to the child.
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