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Old 12-12-2012, 02:17 PM
 
125 posts, read 131,366 times
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I am not sure which adoptees here had miserable lives and resent their adoptive parents. I cannot think of any. Speaking out about reform doesn't correlate with bad childhoods, or necessarily mean that we don't love our parents dearly. It's possible to love more than one set of parents, just as it's possible to love more than one child in a set of siblings.

Reform isn't anti-adoptive parent. I see it as pro-adoptee. I really don't understand why some adoptive parents take it personally.

Last edited by MirrenC; 12-12-2012 at 02:55 PM.. Reason: clarity
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Old 12-12-2012, 02:30 PM
 
509 posts, read 482,810 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
It isn't the or words that matter. People use terms like mother-in-law and father-in-law and may feel close to them or not at all close. Same with grand-mother, grand-father. Mother and Father can be words that only describe some kind of relationship blood or legal, but not the affection one holds or doesn't hold.

Obviously from some posts, it's clear that some adoptees had a miserable life and very much resent their adoptive parents but fortunately they speak only for themselves and their own experiences or feelings.


You lost me. I have never seen anyone indicate here that they hate their APs or had a horrible childhood.

Again, it's the same old same old. Any adoptee who speaks out about reform must have issues with their APs or their lives. I take a lot if flack as an AP speaking out for adoption reform, and I see many other APs taking it as well.

Wanting to make the system better does not equate to being bitter.
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Old 12-12-2012, 04:17 PM
 
16,565 posts, read 13,998,729 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
It isn't the or words that matter. People use terms like mother-in-law and father-in-law and may feel close to them or not at all close. Same with grand-mother, grand-father. Mother and Father can be words that only describe some kind of relationship blood or legal, but not the affection one holds or doesn't hold.

Obviously from some posts, it's clear that some adoptees had a miserable life and very much resent their adoptive parents but fortunately they speak only for themselves and their own experiences or feelings.
Whose posts denote a miserable life?
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Old 12-12-2012, 06:00 PM
 
1,879 posts, read 1,854,781 times
Reputation: 1462
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
It isn't the or words that matter. People use terms like mother-in-law and father-in-law and may feel close to them or not at all close. Same with grand-mother, grand-father. Mother and Father can be words that only describe some kind of relationship blood or legal, but not the affection one holds or doesn't hold.

Obviously from some posts, it's clear that some adoptees had a miserable life and very much resent their adoptive parents but fortunately they speak only for themselves and their own experiences or feelings.
Really?? Which posts are those? There are certainly none on this thread that point to that. I've not seen any on any recent threads either (or even any older threads).

I and others have always made it clear that we love our adoptive parents. Do we need to put a disclaimer on every post we make so that you are aware of that?

Some of us care for our biological families too. Some people do seem to think that caring for one's biological family means that one is "betraying" one's adoptive family. I don't really understand that line of thinking.
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Old 12-12-2012, 06:35 PM
 
1,097 posts, read 1,726,553 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
It isn't the or words that matter.
Wait, wait --- The original post in this thread was about words - by an Adoptive Parent who felt that Birth Mothers should not get to be called "mother" or "parent" but should should instead be called Birth Person -

People found that offensive - quite separate from any personal experience.
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Old 12-12-2012, 07:02 PM
 
Location: Out West
22,554 posts, read 16,699,671 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbleT View Post
Birth person? What do you call the biological father?
Why don't we just strip it down to the nitty gritty and call them sperm donor and womb donor? Really depersonalize it!
Quote:
Originally Posted by MirrenC View Post
I am not sure which adoptees here had miserable lives and resent their adoptive parents. I cannot think of any. Speaking out about reform doesn't correlate with bad childhoods, or necessarily mean that we don't love our parents dearly. It's possible to love more than one set of parents, just as it's possible to love more than one child in a set of siblings.

Reform isn't anti-adoptive parent. I see it as pro-adoptee. I really don't understand why some adoptive parents take it personally.
Dubble T, the "bio" father gets called that by me. I choose to call him that because that is all he deserves.

Mirren, I am one of those you have never heard of. I love my adoptive parents in that I care that they are well but I do not like them. I do not like them very much at all. So here's one you can now think of.

Having said all of that, the title of this post DID come across as stating that NONE of us should be allowed to use the term, "birth parent". And I will say, again, that we adoptees get to call our birth parents whatever the hell we wish regardless of what anyone else thinks of that. It is OUR decision to make, that decision does not get to be made by anyone else.

If YOU don't want to address them as such, that is your choice but do not tell everyone else that it should "be retired". I will call my biological parents, my birth parents, whatever the hell I wish.

As it stands, my birth mother, birth parent, biological mother, is really trying with me. I don't really trust her. I don't know what her motivation is, I haven't quite figured her out just yet. Maybe there is no sinister motive. I do know, NOW, that while she was a horrible example for a "mother", she DID keep a photo of me in her large walk in closet, (one of her favorite places), all these years. I did find that out not too long ago. Well...that is a bit of information I'm still coming to terms with because while she may have done that for herself, she sure as hell doesn't like anyone else she knows to know about me; that she is in contact with me.

I'm not sure what that is all about but I'm willing to keep talking and TRY to keep an open mind. And if I ever get to the point where I want to send her a "birth mother" card the day before Mother's Day, that is MY decision. If I want to call her "birth parent", again, MY decision. If I continue to call her "biological mother" for the rest of my life, it's, again, MY decision.

But one thing is for sure: Regardless of what happened, she IS part of my family. I cannot have my siblings, my aunts, uncles, cousins and even my dearly departed grandparents but then turn around and say, "she's not part of the family" because she is. My adopted parents and I have not communicated in years...but they are ALSO part of my family.

I may not get along with them all, I may not trust them all, some of them may have made my life an utter and living hell...but they ARE part of my family...even that loser sperm donor.
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Old 12-12-2012, 07:59 PM
 
42 posts, read 38,919 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
Nope wrong again susankate. I and a number of other Parents Through Adoption prefer this title. [title of birth woman]

I may be the first to use that term, but I will not be the last. We have our own movement, susankate.
I just noticed this as well, and I admit, I'm baffled. As a raise and nurture my daughter, my goal is not to frame adoption in a way that makesme come out on top, but to be as truthful as I can while being very careful of her heart over a very difficult situation. Who wants to lose their mother? This is some heavy stuff for a little girl. Heck, it's heavy for grown ups. I want to give her tools to deal with her truth in healthy ways, and sugar coating things, twisting her understanding for my own benefit, or doing anything that would cause her to bury her feelings would just not be healthy or good for her. I love her. It's not about me getting what I need; it's about giving my daugter what she needs.
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Old 12-12-2012, 08:42 PM
 
1,879 posts, read 1,854,781 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Three Wolves In Snow View Post
Dubble T, the "bio" father gets called that by me. I choose to call him that because that is all he deserves.

Mirren, I am one of those you have never heard of. I love my adoptive parents in that I care that they are well but I do not like them. I do not like them very much at all. So here's one you can now think of.

Having said all of that, the title of this post DID come across as stating that NONE of us should be allowed to use the term, "birth parent". And I will say, again, that we adoptees get to call our birth parents whatever the hell we wish regardless of what anyone else thinks of that. It is OUR decision to make, that decision does not get to be made by anyone else.

If YOU don't want to address them as such, that is your choice but do not tell everyone else that it should "be retired". I will call my biological parents, my birth parents, whatever the hell I wish.

As it stands, my birth mother, birth parent, biological mother, is really trying with me. I don't really trust her. I don't know what her motivation is, I haven't quite figured her out just yet. Maybe there is no sinister motive. I do know, NOW, that while she was a horrible example for a "mother", she DID keep a photo of me in her large walk in closet, (one of her favorite places), all these years. I did find that out not too long ago. Well...that is a bit of information I'm still coming to terms with because while she may have done that for herself, she sure as hell doesn't like anyone else she knows to know about me; that she is in contact with me.

I'm not sure what that is all about but I'm willing to keep talking and TRY to keep an open mind. And if I ever get to the point where I want to send her a "birth mother" card the day before Mother's Day, that is MY decision. If I want to call her "birth parent", again, MY decision. If I continue to call her "biological mother" for the rest of my life, it's, again, MY decision.

But one thing is for sure: Regardless of what happened, she IS part of my family. I cannot have my siblings, my aunts, uncles, cousins and even my dearly departed grandparents but then turn around and say, "she's not part of the family" because she is. My adopted parents and I have not communicated in years...but they are ALSO part of my family.

I may not get along with them all, I may not trust them all, some of them may have made my life an utter and living hell...but they ARE part of my family...even that loser sperm donor.
Well said, 3 wolves in snow and totally agree with the bolded bit. I think that all the adoptees on here are agreed on one thing - i.e. that it is OUR right to call OUR parents whatever we wish.

Also, even if one is an adoptee who had a bad life with one's adoptive parents (and I read a post of yours on another thread on another CD forum which made me want to give you a (((hug)))), one doesn't do be ridiculed for it and I feel that some of the adoptive parents on here are doing that.
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Old 12-12-2012, 08:47 PM
 
1,879 posts, read 1,854,781 times
Reputation: 1462
I just wanted to comment on this comment again:

Obviously from some posts, it's clear that some adoptees had a miserable life and very much resent their adoptive parents but fortunately they speak only for themselves and their own experiences or feelings.

Stop with the crap, people. The adoptive parents on here have been far more critical towards us adoptees than vice versa.

For example, some of the adoptive parents on here are saying that those adoptees who wish to have contact with their bparents are doing so because they are "disgruntled",another AP implied that that those adoptees who don't consider their adoption to be a blessing are bitter individuals and another adoptive parent cast aspersions on Tiff's parenting skills and then has the hide to turn around and cry that we are attacking her. A large number of adoptive parents on here seem to associate curiosity with betrayal which makes me sad for those adoptive parents that they feel so threatened.

Try and open your minds a bit and you might find that we are actually nice people.
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Old 12-12-2012, 09:07 PM
 
125 posts, read 131,366 times
Reputation: 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by Three Wolves In Snow View Post
.

Mirren, I am one of those you have never heard of. I love my adoptive parents in that I care that they are well but I do not like them. I do not like them very much at all. So here's one you can now think of.
Of course, resent whom you like, but I specifically did not say, "I have never heard of any adoptee who resents his/her adoptive parents." I said, to be precise, "I am not sure which adoptees here had miserable lives and resent their adoptive parents. I cannot think of any."

Experiences vary widely, and I am sorry I was unfamiliar with your story.

Malamute drew a false correlation between people who had miserable lives, hate their adoptive parents, and want adoption to end. As you know, it's far more complicated than that. People can resent their adoptive parents and think that adoption is just fine as it is, love their adoptive parents and want adoption reform, and everything in between.

Last edited by MirrenC; 12-12-2012 at 09:08 PM.. Reason: clarity
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