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When I first heard of this tragedy, this was my first thought.
I think that all natural parents should be notified immediately when their adopted-out child dies --- for any reason.
I once knew a 15 year old adoptee who was murdered. I asked her adoptive Mom to please consider searching for her natural parents and telling them what happened. She said she would. The family moved out of town so I don't know what happened. That was 28 years ago. What if that natural mother is waiting for her daughter to search for her? What if she finally has the courage to search, only to learn that her child was strangled to death at the age of 15 in 1984?
What if you were a mother (or father) of a son or daughter who was relinquished 6 or 7 years ago and you saw the photos of those little murdered children on TV tonight? Would you see yourself reflected back in those pictures of those children? What would you think? What if you wanted to hug your son or daughter tight and not let them go, but you can’t because you were told 6 or 7 years ago that you didn’t have enough money, enough resources, or enough life skills to keep your child? What if all you had was love, but you lost your child to adoption anyway? What if you saw your child on TV tonight and there is nothing you can do but grieve alone?
Now, imagine that you are pregnant and you want to keep your unborn child, and all your instincts tell you to keep your child, but you are being told that you need to think about what’s best for your child and that another woman can better parent your child. How much would you want to hold your child tight and not let go? What if you were a father being denied the right to raise your own child? Would you not want to hug your child tight and not let go?
No one else sees that it is truly "Death by Adoption" --- the title of Joss Shawyer's 1979 book.
If THAT was your first thought ... how incredibly sad.
What a sick post.
Well, you would have to be adopted to understand.
As an adoptee, I see life through a different lense than non-adopted people. Adoptees have two sets of parents and two families. Just ask those of us who have had reunions and are watching two sets of parents grow old and die. We love all of our parents and grieve their loss.
Any painful situation is all that more tragic when a person is adopted. There is another family out there that the adoptee is legally not allowed to know. I raise the question so people can think about the losses of the natural parents.
Yes, these children lost their lives in a horrific way. And the nation and the world reaches out in grief and compassion. We see the parents clutching their remaining children. But what if one, or two, or five or ten of these murdered children were adopted? They would have two sets of parents to grieve their loss. But one set of parents may not be allowed to know that their adopted-out child was murdered.
You, my dear karen, are not seeing the possibility that there just might be other sets of grief-stricken mothers and fathers who are not publically acknowledged at all.
And adoptees are used to being called sick. Thanks for reinforcing the life-long put-downs.
Being reunited with my first mother, a lot of "what if's" aren't anymore. I don't need to wonder, I can just ask. I asked her if she would have wanted to know if had died. Her answer was yes. From the moment she gave me up, she never stopped wondering how I was, and it always hurt. She did say she'd rather have known a lot of other things about me before that, but if it had happened, she would want to know.
No way for a death notification to happen exists in closed adoptions. With more and more openness in adoptions first parents can at least know the child they tried to do their best for is ok, that they made a good choice. If they know that child is gone, it gives them a chance to grieve, to visit the grave, to have closure.
It wasn't my first thought, but I don't think it's a sick thought. Many adoptees search for their first families and find graves. One of my bio uncles was given up for adoption by my grandmother. Ten years before I searched, the woman who I called on with my birth surname had been contacted by D___ looking for his mother A____. She had to tell him that A____ had passed a few years prior. He was pretty broken up, didn't want to meet his siblings. I think he resented that they grew up with her and he didn't even get a chance to know her. Neither did I. I do have a picture of her in a green polka dot dress, and parts of that dress are in patchwork pillow covers my mom made for my brother, sister and I.
Hmmm. Well. I'm adopted, and that certainly wasn't MY first thought.
I disagree that birth parents should automatically be notified of a child's death. After all, whose responsiblity would that be? The grieving adoptive parents? The adoption agency, which likely closed out its file years before?
The death of these children is tragic, and turning that into some kind of adoption issue is, IMHO, inappropriate.
If THAT was your first thought ... how incredibly sad.
What a sick post.
I agree. My first thought was how horrible for the community. I even saw a statement on Yahoo about how it could have been worse and could only imagine that if I were the parent of one of the children that were killed that I could not imagine how it could have been worse. Anyone parenting a child felt the stabbing pain in their heart when they heard about this not in a selfish "What if it were me?" or "What if it were my child?" but in feeling grief for that community: all the parents there, the teachers and the kids that have to go back to that school or any school after hearing about this tragedy. I know it is hard for some people to think of anyone but themselves and everything is about them but, thank God, the majority of people are not like this. My thoughts and prayers go out to all effected in anyway by this tragedy.
I agree w/ Dark of the Moon....Not commendable to exploit such a tragedy for unresolved issues that should be explored w/ a professional counselor.
Unresolved issues? Do please expand...
This very subject was also touched on by [adoptive] parents and [first] parents over the internet. This subject is talked about if the child has to have high risk surgeries. Adoption is complicated and hard.
I cannot imagine imposing a notification requirement on grieving parents, adoptive or otherwise, after a tragedy like this.
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