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Old 11-17-2012, 01:34 AM
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
5,899 posts, read 8,419,380 times
Reputation: 4366


Manipulative. Extremely violent. Put your other 2 children (that behave normally) through the most horrible things, including violence when young (but since shes extremely manipulating she succeed in appear innocent in front of parents in early childhood), put a gun in the head of your youngest child and threathens him. Is sexually precocious and extremely openly-slutty with anyone from the opposite sex. Gets into drugs at very early age (11), became and alcoholic and drug addict at the age of 14. Associate with all kind of criminals that not only steal your house (helped by her) but SET FIRE to your house! Its almost dead of overdose and attempts of suicide many time to counts. Everytime you try her to see a phsychyatrist, she refuses and threathens and act crazy until you do what she wants. When you finally after trying very hard, make her go, she screams and acts insane with the psych, and the psych wont want to see her again. If you try to put her under a treatement, she will dissapear for days having you really worried about the fact that she could be dead!!! She turns everyone elses life in the family into a mess. But you (parent) are really forgiving and give her love love and love, and forgive her for all she has done, and how she responds to that? Violence. She will scream and say the most harmful thing to every member of her close family (mom, dad, her 2 adopted brother and sister) and be INCREDIBLE mean and hurtful, until you end up crying yourself locked in the bathroom. You get sick for stress. She then does something worse seeking for attention. She threathens you with killing herself. If you dont respond, next day something is trashed: maybe the front yard, one window. Then she screams and try to hit her brother and sister with a giant stick, and when you try to interfeeere, she will left you bleeding. Then will ask for forgiveness. Then will leave for an euorpean country for a couple of years, letting you breathe, but come unexpectedly, and even more violent. No matter how many opportunities and love and forgeviness you gave her, she NEVER learns and become more violent every year.

What would you do, as a parent, with an adoptive kid like this?
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Old 11-17-2012, 06:44 AM
393 posts, read 505,018 times
Reputation: 440
I'm sorry you are going through this. There is a lack of post-adoption support but there is some. Call your agency and ask for help, if they have none to offer call the group that is a leadership for adoption where you live and ask for a list of resources in your area of professionals who deal with adopted children with emotional issues. Ask your governmental family and children department for help. Emotional issues can be the hardest situation to deal with in adoption but you need to find the right professional who doesn't just try to fix the issue that is happening - but figures out and works on the reason the issue happened in the first place. Don't try to go it alone - look to the adoption professionals and keep trying.

I'm sorry.
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Old 11-17-2012, 08:48 AM
203 posts, read 200,489 times
Reputation: 306
I too am very sorry you are going through this. Being unaware of the adoptee's narrative and background, I would hesitate to make assumptions about her. As an adoptee myself, there are things that happen to us that can sometimes be seemingly impossible from which to recover. This sort of deep anger and self-destructive behavior makes my own adoptee heart ache for her and for you. What could have possibly happened to her to make her so full of pain, anger and destruction?

The most important thing to do is seek help for yourself and the other members of your family. Family therapy with a therapist who is well-versed in post-adoption issues (very hard to find as post-adoption support is next to non-existent) and who can guide you in preserving your own sense of emotional health. And who can perhaps assist with getting the adoptee the help she needs.
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Old 11-17-2012, 08:57 AM
Location: living in OKLA. heart in Alaska
236 posts, read 359,021 times
Reputation: 213
cut all ties,even with my biological kids if they don't live there lives in a responsible manner
I don't let them come around my home or my other children it's called parenting.
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Old 11-17-2012, 10:07 AM
11,151 posts, read 14,149,925 times
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In my extremely non-expert opinion, this sounds like classic RAD.

How old is the child now?
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Old 11-17-2012, 10:33 AM
47,573 posts, read 60,651,860 times
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As hard as it might be -- I would not allow my other kids to suffer abuse in their own home. Whether those kids are biological or adopted, they deserve a home that is a sanctuary and a child who would threaten another with a gun is too dangerous to have in the home.

If this child is that mentally disturbed, an institution might be more able to provide the kind of attention and treatment needed.
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Old 11-17-2012, 10:59 AM
Location: Chicago area
1,105 posts, read 2,913,684 times
Reputation: 2106
I think the first thing you need to do is recognize that this girl is ill, not an evil person who has set out to make your life miserable for purely selfish reasons. Behind her behavior there is a lot of pain and a very damaged psyche. I know how hard it is to differentiate between the person and the illness but it's necessary.
The second thing I would recommend is to do with this adopted child just like you would with a biological child. There should be no difference. She's your daughter regardless of how she became your daughter. People have the same kind of problems with biological children too. Some are in pain from previous trauma while others are born with or have developed a mental illness. Behavior like this is always due to a damaged psyche coming from the inside or outside. For that reason I have to disagree with Okieplumber's advice. It's not just a matter of bad behavior that your daughter can control. Still, you can't sacrifice the childhood's of your other two kids and the health of your whole family for the sick person. It's a matter of finding a balance between helping the sick person while not harming anyone else. It's a very tough balance though.

I see that you live in Argentina and I'm not familiar with the system in Argentina. If you were in the US I would recommend that you find a good residential treatment center for your daughter. Would that be possible in Argentina? If it is I would strongly recommend that you look into that. Your daughter need intensive treatment and she needs to be out of the house for everyone's sake. If residential treatment isn't available maybe hospitalization in a psychiatric hospital would be an option.
How old is this girl? If residential treatment or hospitalization isn't an option and the girl is old enough I would support her in getting her own place and continue to help her when she's on her own. She's not going to get better simply living with you and if she does her illness will cause significant harm to her siblings.

I had similar problems as your daughter when i was a teenager and for me things didn't change until I had lost everything and things got really bad. I got so sick and tired of being sick and tired I just couldn't take it anymore. That and some maturity helped me get on the right track. Unfortunately not all my friends took the same route and some of them are lost forever. It's sad but you can only do so much for a person who isn't willing to try. For some the chaos and self destructiveness is comfortable and giving that up is so scary that it's unthinkable. You do what you can to help and keep them as healthy and functional but you keep enough distance as not to harm yourself and your family.

One thing I would highly recommend for you and your spouse is to join a support group for families with mentally ill family members. I would think they have that in Buenos Aires. Such a group can be extremely helpful for your own mental health and also a way to learn how to deal with your daughter. Other families will probably know what options for treatment there is in Argentina. If you can't find a support group for families of people with mental illness another option would be Alanon which is a 12-step group for families of addicts. That doesn't seem like your daughter's main problem but it can still help you and your family.

I hope you can find a way to help your daughter and your family. Whatever you do though please don't blame your daughter. She's sick and she can't help that any more than if she had cancer.

Good luck
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Old 11-17-2012, 11:05 AM
Location: Chicago area
1,105 posts, read 2,913,684 times
Reputation: 2106
Originally Posted by Dark of the Moon View Post
In my extremely non-expert opinion, this sounds like classic RAD.
Yes, it does sound like RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). You may want to read up on it.
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Old 11-17-2012, 11:21 AM
4,762 posts, read 11,078,194 times
Reputation: 7847
First of all I would not UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES tolerate that sort of behavior in MY home whatsoever!

I would first take steps to protect myself and my family from ANYONE who was a threat to our personal safety. That may include placing bars on windows and locks on doors. A separate building for the offender and locked from access to the main house. Calling the police. Or whatever it took to assure our safety.

THEN I would see about trying to help her. And in this case it sounds like locking her up in a psychiatric hospital would be the only option. In the US the deciding factor is if the person is a threat to themselves or others. I don't know about Argentina?
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Old 11-17-2012, 12:08 PM
1,097 posts, read 1,734,097 times
Reputation: 1591
If this "child" is old enough to spend a "couple of years" away in europe, then I'm having trouble understanding this post. Adoption may have played into creating problems, but at this point you do whatever you'd do with any child/teenager/family member who is dangerous or abusive - limit their ability to effect your life.

Where is the "The parent got help for themselves and other children, even if this 1 child would not participate"? Where is the "despite her refusal, the parent sought out advice of professionals for themselves which gave them the knowledge and strength to take control of the situation and protect the rest of the family"?

That this was allowed to go on for years without any meaningful intervention, especially with other children involved, is irresponsible. If a parent out of "love" wants to accept this kind of relationship, fine [not really but ???] but to sacrifice other family members you should be protecting is misguided at best.

Basically, kid won't get help? Get the parent help learning how to make good decisions and preparing to manage/live with them. Get the parent a meaningful support system. Sort out the adoption stuff later.
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