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See, my daughter is not living in the world as an "adopted person" an "adoptee" or anything of the sort. She is living as a person with her family.
There is no turmoil, inner conflict or things to work through.
She is not obsessed with her adoption and she does not define herself by the way that she entered this family. Her family.
She sounds like the rest of us.
Btw "working through things" is not necessarily an adoptee things, I am sure many perfectly normal human beings would consider their life "a work in progress" and like to "work through things" at various times in their life.
I have no turmoil or inner conflict. If I did, I wouldn't have made contact with my bfamily because I would have considered myself not ready to do so.
I am not obsessed with my adoption, though, having met my bfamily, it does make one think about things more. It was my choice to meet bfamily and I accept that doing so does mean that one can end up thinking about things.
I do not definite myself by the way I entered my family. At no time have I ever said to anyone in real life, "Hi I'm Susankate and I'm adopted". I do not wear a T-shirt that says "Woe is me, I am an adoptee" or anything like that. It almost never comes up unless relevant to a conversation eg if people are talking about adoption. The other way it might come up is if we are talking about something, I have an anecdote that involves my bfamily and people are interested in knowing more - even then I just give basic info about the way I am related. Another case might be if people are confused, if someone ever overheard me introduce my bcousin to my sister (hypothetically saying for example, "Hi J (my sister), this is my cousin R", the overhearing person might think "Whoa, what's going on, don't J and SK share cousins". I would then explain. To me, that is not obsessing about adoption, it is just stating facts.
Last edited by susankate; 01-29-2013 at 09:17 PM..
See, my daughter is not living in the world as an "adopted person" an "adoptee" or anything of the sort. She is living as a person with her family.
There is no turmoil, inner conflict or things to work through.
She is not obsessed with her adoption and she does not define herself by the way that she entered this family. Her family.
Exactly. I have yet to hear or read a valid reason for finding birth parents when one was adopted as an infant and identifies with their family. The only one they know, the one they grew up in. Their is no memory of a birth parent in infancy when someone has never been around the person who gave birth to them (although I know someone will start an argument with this statement).
What are you looking for? How will this make your life better? We have asked this repeatedly and it hasn't been answered.
Originally Posted by warren zee See, my daughter is not living in the world as an "adopted person" an "adoptee" or anything of the sort. She is living as a person with her family.
There is no turmoil, inner conflict or things to work through.
She is not obsessed with her adoption and she does not define herself by the way that she entered this family. Her family.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaded
Exactly. I have yet to hear or read a valid reason for finding birth parents when one was adopted as an infant and identifies with their family. The only one they know, the one they grew up in. Their is no memory of a birth parent in infancy when someone has never been around the person who gave birth to them (although I know someone will start an argument with this statement).
What are you looking for? How will this make your life better? We have asked this repeatedly and it hasn't been answered.
Warren's comment first in bold above: Just as you and any other parent on this board with the title of adoption - identifies themselves as an adoptive parent (or hoped for title) for the sake of the discussion - we the ones adopted will in turn identify ourselves as adopted or adoptees for the sake of the discussion.
Jaded's comment now in bold above: I did indeed answer this very question you pose - I answered it to WARREN in answer thread - the one I started and you have read and responded too. His only take away from a very detailed answer to each question he posed - was no one has a multi-generational family health history. My take - that is the only thing he "heard" in my answer as there was no acknowledgement that I had addressed every point/question he made - just that no one had a multi-generational family health history.
Exactly. I have yet to hear or read a valid reason for finding birth parents when one was adopted as an infant and identifies with their family. The only one they know, the one they grew up in. Their is no memory of a birth parent in infancy when someone has never been around the person who gave birth to them (although I know someone will start an argument with this statement).
What are you looking for? How will this make your life better? We have asked this repeatedly and it hasn't been answered.
I was adopted as an infant. Reunion had a huge and absolutely awesome affect on my life. In short, my own life completely turned around for the better. I had a very positive reunion with my mother. My view of myself, my personal identity, has healed and grown. My only regret was not searching as soon as I turned 18.
I was adopted as an infant. Reunion had a huge and absolutely awesome affect on my life. In short, my own life completely turned around for the better. I had a very positive reunion with my mother. My view of myself, my personal identity, has healed and grown. My only regret was not searching as soon as I turned 18.
I became whole. My life became mine.
My son has said basically the same thing about our reunion. He felt whole and it helped him so much to be a better father to his children. He also felt his children have a right to know about their roots. He always wondered about why he was placed, and where he got his disposition from. He is not like his afamily at all, in any way. Not to say anything bad about them, he just was curious as to where he got it from. The knowledge of his genetics, his birth story, his ethniticity, yadda, yadda, yadda, was all very important for him to know. As a result, he has become more successful in his private life/career and he attributes some of this to his reunion.
[quote=Jaded;28007961]Exactly. I have yet to hear or read a valid reason for finding birth parents when one was adopted as an infant and identifies with their family. The only one they know, the one they grew up in. Their is no memory of a birth parent in infancy when someone has never been around the person who gave birth to them (although I know someone will start an argument with this statement).
What are you looking for? How will this make your life better? We have asked this repeatedly and it hasn't been answered.[/quote]
valid reason: Because I felt like it. That is a valid enough reason. Curiosity - I am basically a curious person (I am always googling things I'm interested in".
What are you looking for? How will this make your life better? We have asked this repeatedly and it hasn't been answered: It has been constantly answered many a time but obviously the answers aren't being read. In a few words, putting things into context. Yes, I could have been fine without knowing but it is nice to know. I am not filling a hole, I am not depressed, I do not have a major personality flaw.
I am not entirely sure why it matters why anyone wants to meet birth family? It has nothing to do with one's relationship with one's adoptive family, you do realise that? We still love our families just as much as we did before undergoing reunion.
Just a question. How are you going to feel if your child wants to search for bparents? Are you going to ask them all these questions. The child might just be curious - it won't be a reflection on your or your parenting - you do realise that?
Exactly. I have yet to hear or read a valid reason for finding birth parents when one was adopted as an infant and identifies with their family. The only one they know, the one they grew up in. Their is no memory of a birth parent in infancy when someone has never been around the person who gave birth to them (although I know someone will start an argument with this statement).
What are you looking for? How will this make your life better? We have asked this repeatedly and it hasn't been answered.
Because after much thought, I decided it was something I needed to do. Wasn't sure what I was looking for or how finding my original parents would impact my life. It was the best decision I've ever made. Only regret is not searching earlier than I did.
I don't really understand how there can be a reason that is not "valid." If an adoptee decides for whatever personal reason that finding their original parent is something they need to do, then it is a valid reason.
Because after much thought, I decided it was something I needed to do. Wasn't sure what I was looking for or how finding my original parents would impact my life. It was the best decision I've ever made. Only regret is not searching earlier than I did.
I don't really understand how there can be a reason that is not "valid." If an adoptee decides for whatever personal reason that finding their original parent is something they need to do, then it is a valid reason.
I also put a lot of thought into my decision to actually make contact. Although deciding to find out more info was a spur of the moment thing (just googled bmother's name and found a cemetery record), actually deciding to contact other relatives was a decision made over 4 years. For example, I had to decide whom to contact and what method of contact to use and what to say. In the end, I made the right choice in relative but even then, making that first contact was nerve-wracking. Also, during reunion over the last 3 years, I also decided to make contact with friends of my bmom and that was nervewracking too. It is certainly not an easy thing to do.
Btw I wanted to be respectful of everyone's feelings (yes including afamily). Though I didn't feel I needed to ask amom for permission as I have been an adult for many years, I have always thought deeply about any feelings she might have when talking to her about them. I tend now to let her ask any questions. At the beginning, I showed her photos and she was very interested - eg she was interested to see to what extent I looked like my bmom or other relatives, also I think looking at the photos made her realise that my bmom was just a human being like her and me. She also said something (which I won't repeat here) which I thought was very astute and it made me love her jut a little bit more . So there you are, reunion doesn't ruin the adoptive relationship, sometimes it can make one's relationships stronger.
Btw I've never regretted making contact with relatives. I now have a much bigger family
My relatives are lovely and they seem to like being in contact too. I actually live my own life and they live theirs just like most families. I am invited to things and we contact each other occasionally - it is just pleasant.
I think my presence in their life has given them insight into their sibling's (my bmom) life as well and helped them to understand some things they might not have understood before. I've managed to get lots of photos (mostly via email) and created a picasa album to share and they all seem to appreciate that (because some of the photos are from my bmom's friends and the uncles hadn't seen them before). I treasure all my photos of my bmom - she looks like a very nice lady in all her photos
Anyway, I think knowing my bfamily has enhanced my life and who could begrudge me that? My own family is happy for me so that's all that matters
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. So there you are, reunion doesn't ruin the adoptive relationship, sometimes it can make one's relationships stronger.
