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Old 12-05-2012, 05:39 AM
 
3,758 posts, read 10,660,220 times
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I am not flippant - I am being honest.

The reason I come on this board so little - is because while I have a vague personal interest in the topic, it is not my everything.

Just as the fact that I found out I was adopted at age 39, really didn't change much of anything about my life.

Maybe its a bigger deal after you're 40?

I get irritated, because it seems that this board has one general perspective - which is the one you are speaking (anecdotally) about. That this is all horribly traumatic and changes everything. That's been said before.

I say that isn't the only perspective. I'm sure I'm not the only person who found out and the sun rose the next day, the sun set, went to work, (told my husband, he said "Okay") - nothing changed.

I'm exactly the same person I was before I found out. My relationship with my parents didn't change at all (my mother was alive for a year after my finding out).

So - occasionally, I am overcome by how much this board has no relationship to anything in my life - and I see statements like, "Imagine finding out after your turn 40!!!!!!" (which implies that it would be a very catastrophic thing!)

and I am sucked into replying.

I will attempt to not make that mistake again in the future.

No snarkiness is intended - I am genuinely sorry for people who are in pain for whatever reason.

But those stories of people totally falling apart about such news, sorry - they are not the only stories out there and no more valid than stories such as mine. They are simply more dramatic than stories like mine.
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Old 12-05-2012, 05:52 AM
 
Location: Sunny Florida
7,136 posts, read 11,033,949 times
Reputation: 9466
Quote:
Originally Posted by Briolat21 View Post
I am not flippant - I am being honest.

The reason I come on this board so little - is because while I have a vague personal interest in the topic, it is not my everything.

Just as the fact that I found out I was adopted at age 39, really didn't change much of anything about my life.

Maybe its a bigger deal after you're 40?

I get irritated, because it seems that this board has one general perspective - which is the one you are speaking (anecdotally) about. That this is all horribly traumatic and changes everything. That's been said before.

I say that isn't the only perspective. I'm sure I'm not the only person who found out and the sun rose the next day, the sun set, went to work, (told my husband, he said "Okay") - nothing changed.

I'm exactly the same person I was before I found out. My relationship with my parents didn't change at all (my mother was alive for a year after my finding out).

So - occasionally, I am overcome by how much this board has no relationship to anything in my life - and I see statements like, "Imagine finding out after your turn 40!!!!!!" (which implies that it would be a very catastrophic thing!)

and I am sucked into replying.

I will attempt to not make that mistake again in the future.

No snarkiness is intended - I am genuinely sorry for people who are in pain for whatever reason.

But those stories of people totally falling apart about such news, sorry - they are not the only stories out there and no more valid than stories such as mine. They are simply more dramatic than stories like mine.
Thank you for sharing another perspective. Some people seem to think there's only one way to think and feel about this subject - their way, so it's refreshing when someone is brave enough to share the another point of view. I appreciate your honesty and courage. Best wishes.
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Old 12-05-2012, 06:58 AM
 
Location: MMU->ABE->ATL->ASH
9,136 posts, read 17,190,620 times
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... They Find each other... But then they lived 12 miles apart and would have been in same school (now) in the (next) school year.

'So happy I had a brother': Boys meet as friends, discover they are siblings - TODAYMoms

Cute Story...
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Old 12-05-2012, 07:11 AM
 
1,516 posts, read 1,851,995 times
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In my mid-20's, I found out that my grandfather was not really my biological grandfather. My mother let this one slip one day and I admit that my jaw hit the floor. My biological grandfather had skipped out on the family during the great depression and my grandmother had later remarried. My grandfather later adopted the kids. I was pretty shocked by this revelation but it didn't change my feelings towards my grandfather.

I was pretty close to my grandfather growing up. I know this isn't the same thing as finding out you were adopted but I imagine that there are some of the same emotions involved. I was more puzzled than angry.
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Old 12-05-2012, 08:47 AM
 
125 posts, read 132,055 times
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Adoptees have a wide variety of life experiences and reactions to being adopted and knowing/not knowing. I support all adoptees. It is great when people have found a place of groundedness.
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Old 12-10-2012, 08:04 PM
 
47,573 posts, read 60,730,778 times
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I have a cousin who was adopted -- but we were all older when we found out that not only was she adopted, we all always knew that, she is also a biological cousin too, adopted within the family. I don't think she was especially devasted by finding out -- the only thing is that you wonder what else you don't know about your family.

It's probably more common than not that families keep some things secret for whatever their reasons might be. In the case of this cousin, yes, the birth mother was a "maiden" aunt but also didn't want to make the big life changes a child would have forced on her, so it all worked out.
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Old 12-10-2012, 09:08 PM
 
1,879 posts, read 1,866,776 times
Reputation: 1462
Quote:
Originally Posted by Briolat21 View Post
I am not flippant - I am being honest.

The reason I come on this board so little - is because while I have a vague personal interest in the topic, it is not my everything.

Just as the fact that I found out I was adopted at age 39, really didn't change much of anything about my life.

Maybe its a bigger deal after you're 40?

I get irritated, because it seems that this board has one general perspective - which is the one you are speaking (anecdotally) about. That this is all horribly traumatic and changes everything. That's been said before.

I say that isn't the only perspective. I'm sure I'm not the only person who found out and the sun rose the next day, the sun set, went to work, (told my husband, he said "Okay") - nothing changed.

I'm exactly the same person I was before I found out. My relationship with my parents didn't change at all (my mother was alive for a year after my finding out).

So - occasionally, I am overcome by how much this board has no relationship to anything in my life - and I see statements like, "Imagine finding out after your turn 40!!!!!!" (which implies that it would be a very catastrophic thing!)

and I am sucked into replying.

I will attempt to not make that mistake again in the future.

No snarkiness is intended - I am genuinely sorry for people who are in pain for whatever reason.

But those stories of people totally falling apart about such news, sorry - they are not the only stories out there and no more valid than stories such as mine. They are simply more dramatic than stories like mine.
Briolat, all perspectives are valid. As you say, there are many like yourself and there are others who have felt the opposite.

However, if I were an adoptive parent, I personally wouldn't want to play Russian roulette with my child's emotions like that. They might be like you and be "A-OK" about finding out they were adopted at a late age. However, that is not something I could guarantee. Thus, as a responsible hypothetical adoptive parent, I would tell the child from the beginning.
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Old 12-12-2012, 10:35 AM
 
3,758 posts, read 10,660,220 times
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And I have no problem with that. None whatsoever. Its my understanding that the current trend in adoptions is for them to be acknowledged, whether or not they're actualy "open".

But the 1970s were a different time - and my parents are old fashioned and raised us like it was the '50s -- so for them it was not something they apparently wanted to face.

I only responded because the thread was "this is what can happen" ... and then presented a negative view (which has been reinforced previously on this forum)

I simply wanted to present an alternative view - because - as you point out - there are many different perspectives and I happen to have a unique experience.
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Old 12-12-2012, 11:00 AM
 
42 posts, read 39,052 times
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I'm glad finding out later in life did not impact you negatively. I really am.

That said, it's possible that your feelings may change over time. Or, they might not. I don't remember a time when I didn't know I was adopted. It was just a very normal part of life for me. For the majority of my life I really felt perfectly fine about adoption. I did think about my birth parents - pretty much an every day, always in the back of my mind kind of thing - but for the most part I was happy and would have said I didn't have any pain associted with adoption.

And then it hit. And it just about took me under.

So while you don't feel any impact right now, it doesn't mean you never will. And again, you may never feel any differently than you do right now! Just be aware that those thoughts and feelngs can fluxuate, and try no to be too dismissive of people who feel pain about their circumstances. It's really not a contest about whose feelings are right -- we may each feel a variety of emotions about adoption over the course our lives.

Last edited by adopteeWPD; 12-12-2012 at 11:52 AM..
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