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Old 12-09-2012, 08:37 PM
 
16,235 posts, read 25,147,660 times
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Give this re-connection some time. It takes quite a few visits, and lots of long heart to heart talks to get to the point where you want to be. You've waited your whole life to know them....Don't give up now because you are impatient to have what I'm guessing is yours already...The love of your birth parents, and a chance to belong.

Lucky you to have found them, lucky you to have been accepted, and already cherished. Just be patient, be open about your feelings, and know that all of you will have some emotional struggles. You are having even more conflicts because you feel betrayed. Your feelings may be valid...it may be something you have to eventually forgive your adoptive parents for. But, the biggest hurdle has been accomplished. You found those you were searching for. So many people never do.
Hang in there, be yourself, walk confidently into your future...You have lots of arms waiting to embrace you...Good luck, be patient w/ yourself and the others.

Last edited by JanND; 12-09-2012 at 08:39 PM.. Reason: spelling
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:57 AM
 
47,525 posts, read 69,565,345 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kassidy View Post
I am 22 years old and recently met my birthmother and father. We emailed for a long time before meeting. My birthmother told me that my adoption was supposed to be open and we were supposed to have contact while I was growing up. My adoptive parents tell me this isn't true. Wheh I tried to talk to them about it they got really angry and said my birthmother didn't want to raise me. My birthparents and sister tell me that this isn't true. That may adoptive parents convince my birthparents to give me up.

I have an older sister that lives with my birthmother and she told me that she was sad because she never got to see me growing up. She told me that my parents stopped sending pictures and she did not know what happened to me. I don't know what to think. I feel my adoptive parents lied to me but talking to them feels like being attacked. My parents divorced when I was 8 and I lived with my dad most of the time and visited my my mom. I was never close to them growing up and this just makes it worse. I hate that my birthmother and sister are so close and do everything together. I think I am like my birthfather because we are both loud and dreamers. My mom and I just fight or don't talk much at all.

At first I was really happy to meet my birthfamily but I feel like an outsider because they are so close. I don't feel happy in my family because we always fight. I feel like I don't belong anywhere.
Right now, you probably can't begin to see it from the viewpoint of your adoptive parents. They grew to love you and feared losing you and now believe they have. Your birth mother might not be completely honest right now either. She may be trying to blame them for her own failures. Your dad is lashing out in anger because he's hurt and angry and fears he's lost you.

Hopefully you can begin to see them and know them as people with flaws and forgive each one that needs forgiving and accept them for their strengths and weaknesses. Finding birth parents can be a bit like opening a pandora's box. Often they don't live up to the fantasy that one may have had about them.

You also have your own feelings to come to grips with. Your birth parents apparently raised your sister but gave you up. Your adoptive family broke apart. Everyone has let you down in his/her own way. You will need to forgive them and try to love them in spite of everything.
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Old 12-10-2012, 09:23 PM
 
1,097 posts, read 2,042,652 times
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Don't set yourself up or allow yourself to be set up as judge and jury.
Don't be a go-between - the information you learn is for you. You aren't a mediator between two vastly different experiences, except for yourself.

I feel like I'm dooming you to be vaguely schizophrenic about this, but there is little to be gained swapping stories with them all. "she said ______, is this true?" "He said you were lying about this" etc is the way to ensure they can't stand each other and make your life miserable. Someone will want you to choose sides. Is that what you want? or do you want to build real relationships with all of them?

Yes it's hard, it's doable though.
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Old 12-12-2012, 08:32 AM
 
42 posts, read 47,204 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nj185 View Post
Don't set yourself up or allow yourself to be set up as judge and jury.
Don't be a go-between - the information you learn is for you. You aren't a mediator between two vastly different experiences, except for yourself.
I agree with this. What you learn is for you. You weren't responsibe for what happened, and you can't undo any of it, but you CAN gain clarity, fine tune your perspective, and work through your emotions as you gain information you didn't have before. Some of what you learn might be hard, but I think we can live more authentically when know the truth , even if it's not an easy truth.
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Old 12-12-2012, 08:41 PM
 
4 posts, read 4,341 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by adopteeWPD View Post
I agree with this. What you learn is for you. You weren't responsibe for what happened, and you can't undo any of it, but you CAN gain clarity, fine tune your perspective, and work through your emotions as you gain information you didn't have before. Some of what you learn might be hard, but I think we can live more authentically when know the truth , even if it's not an easy truth.

Yes, exactly. I want more information. I don't want to judge but I want the truth.I feel like ashamed and angry and scared when I ask questions. I am getting cold feet. I do not know what to buy everyone. My boyfriend is putting my name on all his gifts for his family. I dont know what to get my birthfamily. I am thinking a basket with movie tickets and popcorn, and stuff for them. Thank you everyone for helping me.
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Old 12-13-2012, 12:04 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
1,122 posts, read 3,498,555 times
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Why not give your bio family tickets to a show or something and get a ticket for yourself too so you can do it together?
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Old 12-13-2012, 10:13 AM
 
47,525 posts, read 69,565,345 times
Reputation: 22474
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kassidy View Post
Yes, exactly. I want more information. I don't want to judge but I want the truth.I feel like ashamed and angry and scared when I ask questions. I am getting cold feet. I do not know what to buy everyone. My boyfriend is putting my name on all his gifts for his family. I dont know what to get my birthfamily. I am thinking a basket with movie tickets and popcorn, and stuff for them. Thank you everyone for helping me.
There is only so much of the truth you can get --- and that goes for just about everybody. Many parents in biological and intact families keep some secret or another.

One of my cousins and the rest of us found out not too long ago that she is also a biological cousin, adopted within the family. She wanted to know who her bio-father is or was, but for whatever reasons, my aunt did not want to reveal much information. We wonder if maybe he was a married man because she only told very vaguely and in a way that this man would never be found.

My grandmother's life was full of gaps, and some things back in those days were kept more hidden. I think your gift idea sounds great. Time will tell what the ultimate relationship with them will be.

One of my cousins and a younger brother were sent to foster home by their biological parents -- an intact family that was overwhelmed with issues and other children, later he was adopted by my aunt and uncle.

His biological brothers found him and instantly he had a whole set of relatives but he was already married by then and said that it turned out to be similar to getting in-laws. A whole group of people who now is related but didn't grow up together -- a "family" that you are now a part of. He said just like with his in-laws, there were some he liked quite a lot, others are so-so and some he could have done better by never knowing.
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Old 12-17-2012, 08:29 AM
 
Location: Western Canada
89 posts, read 125,464 times
Reputation: 144
<<<hugs>>>
In time things will all change. You will learn a lot more about both of your families. I am reunited with my mother's family and it took me a few years to grow close with them. Hang in there, don't push too hard and relax. Many adoptive parents have trouble with reunion. They take it personally, as a rejection. Many harbor the fear their adopted child will push them away. They don't realize it but they are the ones pushing their children away with anger and fear. Adoptees are like jigsaw puzzles, our identity isn't whole but broken up into parts, and we need all of the pieces to build the complete picture. When we find a piece that fits and place it into the picture, we then look for another piece. This isn't a rejection of any puzzle piece, it is the process anyone with a fractured identity must go through building their sense of self. The best thing our adoptive families can do to support us in search and reunion is to be a rock, an anchor, a fixed point in time and space that we can build from. I feel sad that your adoptive family can't provide this for you and can empathize.
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Old 12-17-2012, 09:20 AM
 
42 posts, read 47,204 times
Reputation: 66
Kassidy, do you have any support in this? There are a lot of books written by adoptees, and a lot of great blogs that might give you some insight and help you feel not quite so alone in this. If you haven't read Lost Daughters yet it could be a good place to start because there are women writing there from a variety of experiences. I think it always helps to realize we're not the only ones going through something. Hugs.
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