U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting > Adoption
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Closed Thread Start New Thread
 
Old 02-26-2013, 01:02 PM
 
11 posts, read 16,989 times
Reputation: 36

Advertisements

Hello. I have just created this account bec i really want to talk to someone who doesnt know me.

I am Asian, a single mother and currently pregnant. I guess i belong to a select group of women who can be really smart academically, but very stupid in love. In fact, i am a university graduate with an IQ of 130-135.

Yet, always, i make lousy decisions when im in love.

I have thought of having an abortion many times, but my partner did not want to. He said he would support me and he has, so far.

The thing is, i have heard the same words and saw the same actions with the father of my first baby... Just before he left me for another woman while i was giving birth. We were in a long distance relationship then.

And now here i am. Again. I blame no one but myself.

I did take precautions for most of my relationships. This was one of those times that you had just spent weeks together out of town and were still feeling renewed love that you just had to look deep into his eyes and that faraway voice screaming to tell him to pull out was just so faraway.

Two weeks later, i had to stop going to the gym and was exhausted all the time. I was really calm when i first found out. But now all the fears are sinking in.

The trouble is, he is still married. His wife said she was going to file for annulment last December. They separated because she got together with another man. She knows about us and has even wished us hapiness.

But lately she messaged him saying sorry she could no longer file for annulment. Im feeling hopeless, especially since my partner has been "hiding" me from people, especially coworkers.

I never thought i'd be a single mom, but i would rather not be the "secret" family he keeps. It just hurts so much that he would treat me this way.

I have challenged him (another stupid decision i cant help making) that if he continues to hide me and our baby, then its over. He said so be it.

I cannot do this again alone. But i also cannot do this with someone who will be ashamed of my baby and me. I would have probably killed myself if the thought of leaving my first child didnt break my heart. I love him so much.

I am in so much pain. I want to have my unborn child adopted, but i am also afraid he will end up in an abusive home. There is no one i can talk to about this. I live paycheck to paycheck and i really have nowhere else to go.

 
Old 02-26-2013, 02:10 PM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,485 posts, read 43,835,851 times
Reputation: 47263
A reputable adoption agency can screen prospective adoptive parents and , as much as anybody can, assure you your child will not be placed in an abusive home. Why are you concerned about this? Because of what you have heard about some Russian children adopted here in USA? As horrible as any abusive home can be, please be assured most people who have longed for children, undergone fertility treatments and failed to get pregnant and gone through a reputable adoption agency are not going to abuse any child, adopted or biological. Most of the cases you have read about involve older children who suffered terribly as youngsters and not adopted as infants.

I am sorry you are facing this situation. you have much to offer to your already born child (son?) and I understand why you are considering making an adoption plan for your unborn child. This man will not leave his wife to be with you. You already know this. So making plans now is a smart plan. My husband and I adopted 3 Asian children and they are the light of our lives. You will not have any problem find loving parents for this child. Good luck to you.
 
Old 02-26-2013, 02:13 PM
 
509 posts, read 484,764 times
Reputation: 747
I want to give your post the thoughtful reply it deserves, and I'm at work right now, so I can't. But I wanted to let you know that I read it, and my heart goes out to you.

Hopefully, in the meantime, someone else will pop in as well.
 
Old 02-26-2013, 02:28 PM
 
Location: Bella Vista, Ark
72,086 posts, read 83,752,398 times
Reputation: 41857
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustMyLuck View Post
Hello. I have just created this account bec i really want to talk to someone who doesnt know me.

I am Asian, a single mother and currently pregnant. I guess i belong to a select group of women who can be really smart academically, but very stupid in love. In fact, i am a university graduate with an IQ of 130-135.

Yet, always, i make lousy decisions when im in love.

I have thought of having an abortion many times, but my partner did not want to. He said he would support me and he has, so far.

The thing is, i have heard the same words and saw the same actions with the father of my first baby... Just before he left me for another woman while i was giving birth. We were in a long distance relationship then.

And now here i am. Again. I blame no one but myself.

I did take precautions for most of my relationships. This was one of those times that you had just spent weeks together out of town and were still feeling renewed love that you just had to look deep into his eyes and that faraway voice screaming to tell him to pull out was just so faraway.

Two weeks later, i had to stop going to the gym and was exhausted all the time. I was really calm when i first found out. But now all the fears are sinking in.

The trouble is, he is still married. His wife said she was going to file for annulment last December. They separated because she got together with another man. She knows about us and has even wished us hapiness.

But lately she messaged him saying sorry she could no longer file for annulment. Im feeling hopeless, especially since my partner has been "hiding" me from people, especially coworkers.

I never thought i'd be a single mom, but i would rather not be the "secret" family he keeps. It just hurts so much that he would treat me this way.

I have challenged him (another stupid decision i cant help making) that if he continues to hide me and our baby, then its over. He said so be it.

I cannot do this again alone. But i also cannot do this with someone who will be ashamed of my baby and me. I would have probably killed myself if the thought of leaving my first child didnt break my heart. I love him so much.

I am in so much pain. I want to have my unborn child adopted, but i am also afraid he will end up in an abusive home. There is no one i can talk to about this. I live paycheck to paycheck and i really have nowhere else to go.
I admire you for choosing to give birth and not abort..As for adoption, no one but you can make that decision. It is a truely selfless choice that must be hard, but it will give your child a chance for a home wiht a mom and dad. It doesn't seem like the your babies father is dedicated to you and your baby, no matter what he says. Now, as for your child be mis-treated, of course, there is no way to guarantee this will not happen, but there are so many couples that want babies so much and the screening process and backgroud checks can pretty much prevent a bad placement. Good luck to you, the child you have now and the one you are carrying...Also let me add, many adoption agencies now let you help match your baby with the adoptive family, so you have some say so.
 
Old 02-26-2013, 02:28 PM
 
Location: Southern New Hampshire
7,250 posts, read 12,698,539 times
Reputation: 22102
JustMyLuck, I am very sorry you are going through such a rough time.

My mother found herself in almost the same situation as you, except back in the 1960s. Her husband (my father) had died leaving her with 3 children under the age of 3. Close to a year later, she became involved with a man who was legally separated from his wife (not living with her). She became pregnant. The man had promised to divorce his wife and marry my mom. Once my mom got pregnant, he went back to his wife and left my mom alone, pregnant, with 3 kids. (He later tried to get back with her, many times, but she ignored him.)

Fast forward several months to the birth of my mom's fourth daughter. She wanted to keep her, she tried to keep her, but she could barely support herself and the three of us. So my half-sister was "adopted out" when she was a few weeks old. I never even knew she existed until a few years ago, although now we are very close.

My sister had an AMAZING life with her adoptive family -- actually, if truth be told, a MUCH better life (financially, emotionally, etc.) than my sisters and I had with our birth family. Her adoptive family IS her family.

My mom had been really afraid that if she put my half-sister up for adoption, the social worker would take the rest of us away too, but my mom was in no way an "unfit mother," and it sounds like you are in no way an unfit mother to your child.

I guess what I am trying to say is, adoption can work out very, very well. Your baby's father sounds like an a**hole (as was my half-sister's bio father), but if you decide to keep the baby, he will have to support it, so at least you will have some financial help.

One other thing, which I will try to put as gently as I can. "Pulling out" is not, has never been, and never will be an effective form of birth control. There are so many other forms, I just do not understand why people don't use them every single time. Unplanned-for babies can and do result ... as you have discovered.

I do wish you all the best with your very difficult decision.
 
Old 02-26-2013, 02:44 PM
 
1,516 posts, read 1,850,313 times
Reputation: 3121
JustMyLuck, my heart goes out to you and what you must be going through. And welcome to the boards. Also understand too that these boards in particular can have very strong views about adoption and sometimes the views don't mesh too well. Look around at other resources too...support groups, church, a trusted friend, other references, etc. and please don't let some of these discussions on these boards scare you off. In spite of the media, many children do find wonderful adoptive homes if adoption is the route you eventually choose. No Kudzu said it much better than I could.

With that said, it is good that you are planning and looking forward. You are obviously very emotional and depressed right now. My only caution is don't do anything in haste. Although I'm a adoptive parent, I do think that you need to think things over very carefully before making a momentous decision. Will it tear you apart? Can you find support to raise this child within your family unit? Will there be complications from the birth father? How will your son feel? Perhaps the situation will change and there indeed will be a relationship. People say things in the heat of the moment. Also, get counseling if you can. Try to look at this from all sides.

If you do decide to place your child for adoption, I'm sure there are many options out there. Some posters here are adoptive parents and have very open, loving relationships with the birth parents. I'm an adoptive parent of two Russian children who were adopted when they were older. Each adoption is so vastly different but you can pick the option that makes you most comfortable. I don't have any experience with domestic adoptions but here you have a wealth of information.

Best of luck to you.
 
Old 02-26-2013, 03:01 PM
 
10,532 posts, read 8,455,844 times
Reputation: 19288
Adding my good wishes to those already posted. This is clearly a very difficult time for you, but you are to be commended for considering the various options and what is best for your child, the new baby and yourself. You sound like a very loving, caring and conscientious person.

Do be gentle and kind to yourself now, even as you are being so thoughtful of your little son and the baby you are carrying. Suicide is not an answer - please, please call your local hotline and get help if you have been thinking of taking your life. That is a very final, drastic action which causes terrible pain to those left behind, and destroys all possibilities of a better, happier and productive life for you.

A possibility for you to consider might be some form of open adoption, or a variation of open adoption, in which the baby's adoptive parents would send you photos and letters about the little one's progress while you in return could write letters or send pictures to be shared with the child when they are old enough to understand. Some adoptions are completely open, so that the birth mother and the adoptive family visit one another and the birth mother remains part of the baby's life (rather like the role of a loving aunt who does not live with the family), while other adoptions vary from completely closed to "semi-open".

Some adoption agencies involve birth mothers in selecting families for their children - this might work help allay your fears and to help you find good adoptive parents who will love your child infinitely and care for him or her as all children deserve. Some agencies can also assist you with finding housing and good health care during your pregnancy.

If you do decide to keep custody of your baby, please make sure that your child's father is held legally responsible for contributing to his child's support, as he is required by law to do. Also think about whether or not you want this man to play a future role in the baby's, and in your older' child's life. As well as your own life, of course!

Best wishes to you.

Last edited by CraigCreek; 02-26-2013 at 03:32 PM..
 
Old 02-26-2013, 03:10 PM
 
Location: NYC
1,033 posts, read 1,402,168 times
Reputation: 419
don't abort.

adoption is the way if you can't raise the child personally.

plenty of couples that can't have children, plenty of them.
 
Old 02-26-2013, 03:33 PM
 
11 posts, read 16,989 times
Reputation: 36
Thank you all for your inputs. I am at least somewhat relieved to know about the vigorous screening process for adoptive parents, if i do decide to go that way.

@karen i know pulling out is not effective, but it has worked for us for many months and i guess we got complacent. I knew exactly when we should be careful and never missed until that day when it only occurred to me after the deed's been done. Another mistake on my part, esp since i promised myself never again after i had my first baby.

I am glad your sister turned out to have a wonderful life with her adoptive parents.

I guess i just read and watch too much about psychopaths that it scares me to not know how my baby would be raised.

A part of me is still hoping my partner and i can work things out, but i cant help feeling so helpless right now.

I dont think he will get back with his wife because she really screwed him over pretty bad. Shes also still with her other man. For some reason, she keeps trying to be friends with us. We ignore her though. He feels she may just be up to something.

My concern is that he may never want to make things right between us legally. I so want a proper family. But my partner seems to be so traumatized by his first marriage that i dont feel he is putting enough effort into marrying me. Though he has told me we will get married, i think he will want to stay single if he ever gets annulled.

And hiding me, when most of his coworkers know his situation? If he does not marry me, im afraid he will just disappear like the first one did.

I guess this is why im considering adoption. Im hoping someone else can give this child a better home than i can provide on my own.

PS My son knows he has a sibling coming and has been very excited. He has been asking for one for 3 years now. I dont share his enthusiasm, maybe because of all this insecurity about our situation.

I cant ask anything of my family, they've helped so much with my son already.
 
Old 02-26-2013, 03:43 PM
 
10,532 posts, read 8,455,844 times
Reputation: 19288
Whether or not your baby's father gets an annulment or a divorce or stays with or eventually marries you, he is still responsible for the support of his child. How does he feel about your pregnancy? Does he have other children? How does he interact with your older child? Is he good father material? Is he open to couples counseling, with either his wife or with you?

If his wife is openly living with/consorting with another man, and he is involved with you, what is the point of continuing the marriage? Are there other children involved anywhere in this scenario?

If you plan to keep the baby rather than seek adoption, make sure the baby's father's name appears on the birth certificate. This will help ensure that he is legally responsible for his child, even if you and he never marry or should break up.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Closed Thread

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting > Adoption
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 09:51 PM.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top