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Old 03-27-2013, 08:11 PM
 
1,879 posts, read 1,868,287 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
I know! To attach a sexual agenda to breast feeding is offensive! The baby is not being raped, he is being FED. By his mother!

Shheeesh!
I don't recall anyone on here ever implying that?
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Old 03-27-2013, 08:40 PM
 
Location: Chicago area
1,105 posts, read 2,923,324 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thethreefoldme View Post

For those who breast feed because they want to fulfill an experience of pregnancy they believed adoption would deprive them of -- that is not breast-feeding for their child, but for themselves. One might consider how that motivation would make their child feel later in life, one might not. Personally I'm glad my mom did not feel the need to use me for this purpose.
I don't get this argument. What's wrong with wanting to have an experience with your child? Isn't having experience with your children why you have them to begin with? That's not using the child. Of course pushing breast feeding on a child who is resisting just to gratify yourself is wrong but I think pushing anything on anyone who is resisting just to gratify yourself is wrong and doesn't have anything to do with adoption or breastfeeding.
Could someone explain to me why wanting to breastfeed your adopted baby in order to have the experience is wrong?
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Old 03-28-2013, 04:10 AM
 
1,014 posts, read 989,446 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizita View Post
I don't get this argument. What's wrong with wanting to have an experience with your child? Isn't having experience with your children why you have them to begin with? That's not using the child. Of course pushing breast feeding on a child who is resisting just to gratify yourself is wrong but I think pushing anything on anyone who is resisting just to gratify yourself is wrong and doesn't have anything to do with adoption or breastfeeding.
Could someone explain to me why wanting to breastfeed your adopted baby in order to have the experience is wrong?
First I just want to say I agree with your post for the most part. I would also like to clarify that no one can speak for all adoptees & that is not my intention to do so by answering your question here...

But I will try to answer it anyway, since you asked.

Let's say you were adopted as an infant. You are well aware that your parents never would have adopted if they did not happen to struggle with infertility. Now suppose you are asking your mother questions about how she raised you & she tells you about her experience with breast-feeding... & for whatever reasons it is somehow made clear to you that it was all about her fulfilling an experience she felt adoption would deprive her of.

Can you imagine how that might make you feel as an adoptee? All I would hear if my mom said that to me is that adoption = deprivation. I've heard other adoptees say they felt like they were adopted with the job or expectation to make up for their a-parent's losses.

I didn't say that it made it wrong, because that is a matter of opinion. I was just saying those who do it solely for that reason might consider how that could make their child feel later in life.

Last edited by thethreefoldme; 03-28-2013 at 04:47 AM..
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Old 03-28-2013, 05:25 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,486 posts, read 43,916,689 times
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First of all let's dispel the myth that folks adopt because of fertility issues. many simply want to adopt-feel a calling if you will. Others want one gender over aother and don't want to keep coming up with the opposite gender.

I think most parents have children hoping they will "fulfill an experience". The experience is parenting and nursing can be part of that experience. it is a two way street-a bonding between a mother and a child and i can certainly understand why any mother-adoptive or bio- would want that. In fact i have trouble with Moms who don't want that!.

I think if I was adopted and found out my mother nursed me I would think how wonderful that she wanted that for both of us. how wonderful I was able to have that experience most adopted kids don't get.
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Old 03-28-2013, 05:36 AM
 
1,014 posts, read 989,446 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
First of all let's dispel the myth that folks adopt because of fertility issues. many simply want to adopt-feel a calling if you will. Others want one gender over aother and don't want to keep coming up with the opposite gender.
Um... there is no myth. A myth implies it doesn't happen or is rare. Many people adopt for the reasons you stated, but many people also adopt due to fertility issues. Some adoptees may very well feel the way you assume you would feel if you were adopted, but that doesn't negate the feelings of those I mentioned or the potential for others to feel the same.

Last edited by thethreefoldme; 03-28-2013 at 05:46 AM..
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Old 03-28-2013, 09:02 AM
 
1,516 posts, read 1,853,403 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thethreefoldme View Post
Let's say you were adopted as an infant. You are well aware that your parents never would have adopted if they did not happen to struggle with infertility. Now suppose you are asking your mother questions about how she raised you & she tells you about her experience with breast-feeding... & for whatever reasons it is somehow made clear to you that it was all about her fulfilling an experience she felt adoption would deprive her of.

Can you imagine how that might make you feel as an adoptee? All I would hear if my mom said that to me is that adoption = deprivation. I've heard other adoptees say they felt like they were adopted with the job or expectation to make up for their a-parent's losses.

I didn't say that it made it wrong, because that is a matter of opinion. I was just saying those who do it solely for that reason might consider how that could make their child feel later in life.
Threefold, I think that you see the worst case scenario in some of these situations. Why on earth would an AP tell an adopted child that they were trying to fulfill some void in the adoption experience? I think that when having these discussions with any child, most moms could explain it in such a way to make it a positive thing...for both child and mother. I'm not sure why any AP would get into the nitty gritty motives of breastfeeding to the point where the adoptee was made to feel like crap. If this happened to you, then your adoptive mother didn't handle the situation very well.

I guess that I don't see it as a huge issue, especially if the child is a baby. An explanation such as, "I was lucky enough to breastfeed you" should suffice. I would think that other topics would be of more interest to a child than some huge discussion about breastfeeding when talking about how you were raised.
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Old 03-28-2013, 11:30 AM
 
1,014 posts, read 989,446 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Linmora View Post
Threefold, I think that you see the worst case scenario in some of these situations.
Well, you would be wrong. I see them from the POV of someone who was adopted & someone who can fully appreciate that the experience of being adopted is neither 100% positive or 100% negative.

Quote:
Why on earth would an AP tell an adopted child that they were trying to fulfill some void in the adoption experience?
To trigger such a feeling could be as simple as saying, "I never thought I would have that experience because I adopted." Most likely an a-parent who made such a comment would not intend for their child to feel that way, but that does not mean their child's didn't... Obviously such comments have been made by APs over the years or so many adoptees would not be sharing their experiences about it.

Quote:
I think that when having these discussions with any child, most moms could explain it in such a way to make it a positive thing...for both child and mother. I'm not sure why any AP would get into the nitty gritty motives of breastfeeding to the point where the adoptee was made to feel like crap. If this happened to you, then your adoptive mother didn't handle the situation very well.
This did not happen to me. As I said -- I'm glad my mom did not feel the need to use me for such a purpose.
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Old 03-28-2013, 11:58 AM
 
509 posts, read 485,493 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thethreefoldme View Post
Well, you would be wrong. I see them from the POV of someone who was adopted & someone who can fully appreciate that the experience of being adopted is neither 100% positive or 100% negative.

To trigger such a feeling could be as simple as saying, "I never thought I would have that experience because I adopted." Most likely an a-parent who made such a comment would not intend for their child to feel that way, but that does not mean their child's didn't... Obviously such comments have been made by APs over the years or so many adoptees would not be sharing their experiences about it.

This did not happen to me. As I said -- I'm glad my mom did not feel the need to use me for such a purpose.
Ok. I think I've made it pretty clear during my time posting here that I'm incredibly sensitive to the unique feelings experienced by adoptees.

With that being said, I don't think you can unequivocally say that a mom telling their adopted child that they enjoyed the experience of breastfeeding him or her and felt that it was a fulfilling experience will trigger negative feelings in the adoptee. And if it does, does that make the adoptive mom bad for her feelings? How exactly is it unreasonable or bad for an adoptive mom to want to breastfeed her child? Biological moms share that same exact feeling, and that's ok. But it's not ok for an adoptive mom? Why? And how is she then supposed to squash those feelings, especially if breastfeeding is successful? Or, should she not even attempt to breastfeed her adopted child (an incredibly healthy thing to do) because there's a possible chance her child may be upset in the future?

You have experienced life as an adoptee, and understandably view interactions with your parents in that way. But my parents (biological) have said things that have hurt me as well. This makes them neither good not bad, just human, and sometimes I'm the one who has to realize my reactions are not reasonable. My parents had me because they wanted a child. I fulfilled something for them, completed them, made them feel whole. My mom had multiple miscarriages before me. Should I feel that I simply was used by my mom to feel better about her losses? I know I helped her heal, the same way my daughter did after my miscarriage loss. Does that make us selfish for finding healing in our children?

I'm not trying to minimize the way adoptees feel. Like I said, I think I've proven that I'm very sympathetic, and I truly feel much of what you said can be true. Sometimes, APs use their children to feel better but that's where it ends. I do think many times, though, APs find comfort in their children (same as bio parents) and give back as much or more love than they receive (again, same as bio parents).

You say you are grateful your mom didn't "use me in that way." Is that really what you think the majority of us are doing? Using our children? And if so, why is it only APs? I absolutely did not use my adopted daughter just because I wanted and enjoyed and treasured the experience of nursing her anymore than I used my biological daughter.

I'm sorry, but a lot of what has been said on this thread has bothered me because it is blatantly full of assumptions and blanket statements made with a later qualifier of "well, I said some." Almost none if it has been backed up by any stories of any APs actually saying it feeling any if the things said. I am constantly saying here that adoptees should be treated with respect and as individuals, but it seems that especially on this thread, it's not being said the same way towards APs. Again, I'm sorry. I respect so many of the posters here, but this thread has really gotten to me with some of the things said.
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Old 03-28-2013, 12:28 PM
 
1,014 posts, read 989,446 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tiffjoy View Post
With that being said, I don't think you can unequivocally say that a mom telling their adopted child that they enjoyed the experience of breastfeeding him or her and felt that it was a fulfilling experience will trigger negative feelings in the adoptee.
I didn't say that.

Quote:
And if it does, does that make the adoptive mom bad for her feelings? How exactly is it unreasonable or bad for an adoptive mom to want to breastfeed her child?
I never said that it did/or was.

Quote:
You have experienced life as an adoptee, and understandably view interactions with your parents in that way. But my parents (biological) have said things that have hurt me as well. This makes them neither good not bad, just human, and sometimes I'm the one who has to realize my reactions are not reasonable.
Obviously. I do not disagree.

Quote:
My parents had me because they wanted a child. I fulfilled something for them, completed them, made them feel whole. My mom had multiple miscarriages before me. Should I feel that I simply was used by my mom to feel better about her losses? I know I helped her heal, the same way my daughter did after my miscarriage loss. Does that make us selfish for finding healing in our children?
Tiff, with all due respect you are inferring things I never said. I would be happy to answer many of these questions for you from the POV of one adoptee -- but not if you are coming from the position that I am being unreasonable or that the feelings of adoptees should be minimized if they are not equally felt by their adoptive parents.

Quote:
You say you are grateful your mom didn't "use me in that way." Is that really what you think the majority of us are doing? Using our children?
No. & I never even implied I felt the majority of adoptive parents are doing such a thing. I went to great lengths to say the people who force are the exception. I went out of my way to talk about adoptees who request breast-feeding & scenarios where adoptive breastfeeding is necessary, or IMO appropriate/understandable/wonderful.

Why you are jumping to the assumption that I am NOT treating these as individual matters, or respecting this issue I do not know?
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Old 03-28-2013, 12:44 PM
 
1,067 posts, read 1,432,576 times
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I thought the main reason of breastfeeding was because your breastmilk is specially designed for your infant. The main reason I chose and stuck with breastfeeding was because my daughter was pre mature and the doctors said my body made the milk exactly as she needed it.

How would your body know what kind of milk the infant needed? Other than that it sounds like a great bonding experiance.
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