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So, you are saying that some children are just lost causes? I don't think that's "a fact" and I don't believe it. Age 13-18 is a transitional period in a person's life, which is why it can be difficult and also why you can't be a lost cause at age 13, no matter your past.
Our state appointed therapist and case manager would disagree with you on this. Some kids have been so traumatized or have a host of serious, serious issues that the prognosis does not look good. Many of these kids reside in residental treatment facilities after everything else has failed. Our therapist's husband (also a therapist) works with a few sociopaths and other kids that have severe emotional disorders. It is pretty scary work and the long term outcome for some of these kids is not good. Of course I'm hearing about the more severe cases which they handle and it is pretty terrifying. Probably not good hearing about this stuff in my current state of mind.
I have seen this as a common argument. Why do 2 kids from the same family turn out so different? It's easier to say that one must have gotten the "bad gene". If you ask a therapist this question, most often the answer is that parents can and often do, treat each of their children differently. It's not intentional and it's very subconscious. It's a fact of the human condition.
It is also common for one child to act out & one child to become the compliant, over-achiever (who may or may not blame the sibling more than the parents). That doesn't mean there weren't problems or the parents did everything right.
I have seen this as a common argument. Why do 2 kids from the same family turn out so different? It's easier to say that one must have gotten the "bad gene". If you ask a therapist this question, most often the answer is that parents can and often do, treat each of their children differently. It's not intentional and it's very subconscious. It's a fact of the human condition.
Nope, I'm not talking about a "bad gene" or trying to make a particular argument. I actually liked the older son---he was always nice to me and not a bad kid. Unfortunately he made some really, really bad decisions along the way and had a susceptability to drugs and alcohol. His other friends, who he partied with, went through the experimentation stages, cleaned up their act, and went on to college. Unfortunately J. became addicted and fell off the deep end. It happens, even to the best of families. Drugs are a terrifying thing to me.
And yes, parents do treat their kids differently, especially the oldest ones. My husband was treated very differently from his younger brother. Parents make mistakes, learn from them. I'm sure that all of us have made mistakes. If anyone of you haven't made mistakes, kudos to you. You are a better person than I am. You win!! However, if I were to lash out at our neighbors and assume that they were a disfunctional family who mistreated their son, that would be a pretty unfair thing to do. Believe me, they have taken full responsibility for their son's outcome. They've been at his side every step of the way. Even though he is out of state now, my neighbor diligently attends support groups dealing with substance abuse to try to understand and keep on helping him. At some point though, their son is going to have to help himself. That is all part of life and growing as a human being.
As to the younger son "complying." Nope, he is his own person. He is a very creative individual and someday, I expect he will be famous. He has always been that way though...always very interested in theater, dancing, performing, writing. I've known him since he was a tiny tot. He has his ups and downs with his parents too like any kid does. He has merely chosen another path.
Our state appointed therapist and case manager would disagree with you on this. Some kids have been so traumatized or have a host of serious, serious issues that the prognosis does not look good. Many of these kids reside in residental treatment facilities after everything else has failed. Our therapist's husband (also a therapist) works with a few sociopaths and other kids that have severe emotional disorders. It is pretty scary work and the long term outcome for some of these kids is not good. Of course I'm hearing about the more severe cases which they handle and it is pretty terrifying. Probably not good hearing about this stuff in my current state of mind.
It is a sad, sad situation.
Personally, I feel we have a major problem in this country with over-diagnosing children/people. If we can't figure out how to fix it now, we medicate them. My brother was diagnosed with being bi-polar. I would have described him as a complete sociopath growing up. He had zero empathy for those he hurt & acted out in ways you wouldn't believe. I was the compliant over-acheiver but was eventually diagnosed with ADD. In reality we both had PTSD caused by unresolved issues (adoption & other). Being medicated did not help us work through our issues. Years of talk-therapy in adulthood did.
My brother has not been on medication for 10+ years now. He's not a sociopath, nor was he ever bi-polar. He certainly fit the check list at the time, though. Just saying it isn't always due to genes or a permanent chemical imbalance.
If anyone of you haven't made mistakes, kudos to you. You are a better person than I am. You win!!
No, definitely not saying I didn't make mistakes as a parent and I am not here to "win". Obviously no one is perfect. It's just my opinion that parents do have a very large part in the outcome of their children. If we didn't, why would we choose to parent?
I am a parent and I have an adult daughter. I'm not perfect and neither is she, but she never lived on the street. If she did, I would say that I had a huge part in that decision.
Personally, I feel we have a major problem in this country with over-diagnosing children/people. If we can't figure out how to fix it now, we medicate them. My brother was diagnosed with being bi-polar. I would have described him as a complete sociopath growing up. He had zero empathy for those he hurt & acted out in ways you wouldn't believe. I was diagnosed with ADD. In reality we both had PTSD caused by unresolved issues (adoption & other). Being medicated did not help us work through our issues. Years of talk-therapy in adulthood did.
My brother has not been on medication for 10+ years now. He's not a sociopath, nor was he ever bi-polar.
That is good news about your brother. Unfortunately though, some kids act out in ways that are violent and a danger to others that there isn't really a choice other than to medicate and to confine to a facility for their safety and the safety of others. I'm not saying that this is a common occurance but it does happen. Because our therapist works with the more extreme cases, I guess that I hear about the worst of the worst and it is quite frightening. Again though, these are kids are cause tremendous harm to others like breaking bones, gouging out eyes, stabbing, etc.
Obviously the first choice is to seek help for our kids, starting with good therapy. I'm not one for over medicating either or over diagnosing. However, when there is a serious problem, parents need to get a handle on things. If medication helps, go for it.
Anyway, I think we are getting really off topic here from this Russian boy. Sorry Jaded.
So, you are saying that some children are just lost causes? I don't think that's "a fact" and I don't believe it. Age 13-18 is a transitional period in a person's life, which is why it can be difficult and also why you can't be a lost cause at age 13, no matter your past.
First of all, these parents didn't do "everything right". I don't think they have a clue what it is to adopt internationally. The first clue is that they changed his name. They didn't even acknowledge him as a whole person when they adopted him. You can't effectively care for someone that you don't even know, in my opinion.
Also, I think that 99% of the time, a child that runs away is a serious issue with the parents. (I am not talking about a teen that goes to a friend's house for a day or 2, but one that would rather live on the street for months) If a child feels unwanted in their own home, that's a serious issue and I do blame the parents. The parents are the adults here. It takes more to raise a child than just food and a warm bed.
To be fair the vast majority of people regardless of age that choose to be homeless are mentally ill. And mental illness can be much more difficult to deal with in teens.
A person that goes through a period of homelessness or drug abuse is not a lost cause AND may have a purely biological cause and be no fault of the parents.
To be fair the vast majority of people regardless of age that choose to be homeless are mentally ill. And mental illness can be much more difficult to deal with in teens.
A person that goes through a period of homelessness or drug abuse is not a lost cause AND may have a purely biological cause and be no fault of the parents.
There's no such thing as a purely biological cause for behavior as all people are products of both nature and nurture. For environment to have no influence on a person, they would have to live in a bubble. Actually, a lot of mental illness/disorders are caused by abuse or mistreatment.
So, you are saying that some children are just lost causes? I don't think that's "a fact" and I don't believe it. Age 13-18 is a transitional period in a person's life, which is why it can be difficult and also why you can't be a lost cause at age 13, no matter your past.
First of all, these parents didn't do "everything right". I don't think they have a clue what it is to adopt internationally. The first clue is that they changed his name. They didn't even acknowledge him as a whole person when they adopted him. You can't effectively care for someone that you don't even know, in my opinion.
Also, I think that 99% of the time, a child that runs away is a serious issue with the parents. (I am not talking about a teen that goes to a friend's house for a day or 2, but one that would rather live on the street for months) If a child feels unwanted in their own home, that's a serious issue and I do blame the parents. The parents are the adults here. It takes more to raise a child than just food and a warm bed.
BAM! That last paragraph and especially the last sentence. Granted, you were being extreme but in the eyes of some of these children, that IS all they feel they are getting. They are NOT getting what they need at home.
Keep in mind, they are the children, the parents are the adults. It IS the responsibility of the adult to help that child...who elses responsibility would it be?!?!?!?!
As for drugging our kids....man...we throw a fricken drug at everything these days.
"Well, they went to therapy and the therapist said to put them on this drug."
AND!?
How about try a few therapists? Just because someone graduated from college with a degree doesn't mean they are very good at it, as I stated before. Some of them have NO idea how to connect with kids. My therapist when I was a teen wanted to throw all kinds of drugs at me....thankfully the parental units are the denial type who think my PTSD wasn't real. I did not need drugs to "handle" the PTSD, what I needed was someone to f-en listen to me and accept that some things...some things would trigger that stress all over again and I needed understanding. Seriously, that was all I needed, not some synthetic drug to keep me in a zombie state and/or not allow me to be who I am.
No, I did not need drugs for ADD, I needed something that stimulated me and I learned in a different way. Reading out of a book and taking a test did not teach me a damn thing except how to become really good at memorizing a whole lotta crap for a short period of time; long enough to pass the test.
I struggled with math...algebra. Could not get it no matter how many people tried. Everyone actually gave up on me. EVEN the parental units and the mother figure was a teacher, for crying out loud.
But lo and behold, I go to college, I meet a girl in the lounge one day and she explained Algebra to me in five minutes and no, that is NOT an exaggeration. Some people learn different.
I firmly believe that a lot of these kids who are diagnosed with some "disorder" and placed on drugs are not being heard. People are giving up on them too easily....just throw them on a drug. It's so much easier than trying to get to the root of the problem or finding another way to say something.
As for name changing...this was done to me, as well. With exception of my first name because I already knew it well, obviously my last name was changed but so was my middle name. And for the life of me, I can't figure out why on earth that was necessary. I've long since learned what my birth name was, my full birth name and I still, to this day, see no reason whatsoever to change a first and middle name of any child that is adopted. To do that is to ignore who they are...especially in the case of this Russian boy. He knew his name. He was 13 years old, he knew his name. What was the point in changing that? To pretend he wasn't Russian?
Listen to me good here: YOU CAN NOT PRETEND THE CHILD IS NOT ADOPTED! That doesn't mean throw it in their face every moment you can. Help them assimilate in to the family, (and this can take a very long time in some cases, so many are in such a rush!), it means you must remember they ARE adopted, they need the validation AS WELL AS your acceptance of WHO THEY ARE, as they are.
There will be things that are so different from you and your family and to pretend those don't exist is to do the child a serious disservice.
You embrace the child for all of their differences and tell them, in your way, that you will be their family, nurture them, help them grow, help them succeed, help them through this life...never forgetting that they are their own person who in many ways, because of biology, will be different from you.
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However, if I were to lash out at our neighbors and assume that they were a disfunctional family who mistreated their son, that would be a pretty unfair thing to do. Believe me, they have taken full responsibility for their son's outcome. They've been at his side every step of the way. Even though he is out of state now, my neighbor diligently attends support groups dealing with substance abuse to try to understand and keep on helping him. At some point though, their son is going to have to help himself. That is all part of life and growing as a human being.
